Johnnash
Active member
I work for a small software company and the branch which I work at hasonly about 10-15 employees in a small room. My work is fairly
interesting(developing scientific software), and the pay is good.The
best part is that the company I work for is inside the campus of the
best tech university of our country, in fact it has been ranked as 3rd
best technical university in the world. I get to work with scientists
and some really intelligent PHD students; I'm very inferior compared
to them in terms of skill and knowledge but I consider this to be a
learning opportunity. This is the only motivating factor, and the fact
that its well known even in the US is an added advantage. It will make
my resume stronger. I am planning to work for a total of 7 months( 27
days since I joined) and I will schedule a date for visa somewhere in
June.
Socially, my job is terrible.I've severe social phobia and I have certain secrets from the past which I always fear will be revealed as far too many people know. Its a very dirty secret something sexual in nature which caused my sexuality. Every day and every second I feel traumatized. I count the days I have to go to office till July. Ex- classmates give me calls all day asking what I'm doing ( showing fake sympathies) and I have told my mom to tell lies to them that I'm not in the city. I tried to speak to a few a couple of times but I found their tone to be condescending and teasing me about my past. I cannot speak to anyone in my office
either because of my issues so I spend most of my time analyzing,
designing, and writing reports. I looked at the clock on the wall, the
clock on the corner of the computer, on my mobile and on my watch.
Wishing the day away, wishing the week away etc etc.I do overhear the
conversations of my colleagues and people are often bitching about
others behind their back. I find it extremely disturbing. I notice my
colleagues laughing at me behind my back. I think they also send my
negative reports to the boss. My boss (he was also a guest lecturer at
my undergraduate university so he knows me) forces me often to give
presentation and I really dread it because I make a fool out of
myself. I gave my first presentation the other day and my heart was
racing, hands shaking and whole body was cold. A few people asked
questions and couldn't answer at all as I find it difficult to express
my ideas in English and I feel my spoken English is really poor. I was
sometimes ridiculed in my English class by teachers back in school.
The presentation was embarrassing and I felt I disgraced my boss. I
still think my boss is a really good man though, he just wants me to
become better software professional but he doesn't know my problems
and neither do my parents.My day actually begins at 8 PM when I
finally reach my house. I really love those 3-4 hours at home. That's
my only enjoyment.During the week, keeping busy with one's work can
keep out all the negative thoughts about one's problems. During the
weekend, there is no escape. Every weekend reminds me of how I am
completely isolated, in a hostile environment, with little hope of
improvement. I sit in my apartment, afraid to go out. And if I went
out, I would have no idea what to do with countless people laughing at
me. It freaks me out. But I still long for the weekends because I get
to watch TV 24/7..
interesting(developing scientific software), and the pay is good.The
best part is that the company I work for is inside the campus of the
best tech university of our country, in fact it has been ranked as 3rd
best technical university in the world. I get to work with scientists
and some really intelligent PHD students; I'm very inferior compared
to them in terms of skill and knowledge but I consider this to be a
learning opportunity. This is the only motivating factor, and the fact
that its well known even in the US is an added advantage. It will make
my resume stronger. I am planning to work for a total of 7 months( 27
days since I joined) and I will schedule a date for visa somewhere in
June.
Socially, my job is terrible.I've severe social phobia and I have certain secrets from the past which I always fear will be revealed as far too many people know. Its a very dirty secret something sexual in nature which caused my sexuality. Every day and every second I feel traumatized. I count the days I have to go to office till July. Ex- classmates give me calls all day asking what I'm doing ( showing fake sympathies) and I have told my mom to tell lies to them that I'm not in the city. I tried to speak to a few a couple of times but I found their tone to be condescending and teasing me about my past. I cannot speak to anyone in my office
either because of my issues so I spend most of my time analyzing,
designing, and writing reports. I looked at the clock on the wall, the
clock on the corner of the computer, on my mobile and on my watch.
Wishing the day away, wishing the week away etc etc.I do overhear the
conversations of my colleagues and people are often bitching about
others behind their back. I find it extremely disturbing. I notice my
colleagues laughing at me behind my back. I think they also send my
negative reports to the boss. My boss (he was also a guest lecturer at
my undergraduate university so he knows me) forces me often to give
presentation and I really dread it because I make a fool out of
myself. I gave my first presentation the other day and my heart was
racing, hands shaking and whole body was cold. A few people asked
questions and couldn't answer at all as I find it difficult to express
my ideas in English and I feel my spoken English is really poor. I was
sometimes ridiculed in my English class by teachers back in school.
The presentation was embarrassing and I felt I disgraced my boss. I
still think my boss is a really good man though, he just wants me to
become better software professional but he doesn't know my problems
and neither do my parents.My day actually begins at 8 PM when I
finally reach my house. I really love those 3-4 hours at home. That's
my only enjoyment.During the week, keeping busy with one's work can
keep out all the negative thoughts about one's problems. During the
weekend, there is no escape. Every weekend reminds me of how I am
completely isolated, in a hostile environment, with little hope of
improvement. I sit in my apartment, afraid to go out. And if I went
out, I would have no idea what to do with countless people laughing at
me. It freaks me out. But I still long for the weekends because I get
to watch TV 24/7..
Do you think it would help to get some professional help? to talk to someone about what happened to you when you were younger? And the way you describe some of your co-workers, i think is typical of many workplaces. It's really shitty some people have to be like that..it's really insensitive..but, you are awesome to still go in, do your job, and even try to get up and do a presentation. I think the fact that you even get up and do it is incredible..and don't worry too much about not answering the questions properly..or not getting the words out..at least you stood up and did it!! Way more than lots of us on this site could do :wink: I really hope you can find someone to talk to about your past..perhaps it could help you to move forward..and remember, we're always here, willing to listen, and help