My need for affection


Well-known member
sorry for the length of this thread. anyways just post your comments or whatever you think about this. basically i have ocd, depression, mild social anxiety, anxiety, adhd, body dimorphic disorder, low self esteem and confidence, bipolar, maybe residual schizophrenia too were still checking, this intense anger at people and stupid things, and nephrotic syndrome. im just listening it all to see if maybe you guys could figure something linked with it. i dont love myself i dont want to sound ungrateful cause i live in a house with food and water and clothes and shelter. but my life is hard and i dont love myself, its not that i hate myslef, i just dont love myself. whenever something unexpected happens to me (meaning that its not what im anticipating) happens that is an insult to me or like something that i feel isnt my fault but i am blamed or that is my fault but someone else takes the blame, i get this weird feeling like im going to cry. my eyes start to water and i feel sad but i am able to kind of cover it up and hold the tears back. i need to like vent on people and hug this certain friend. i am not gay at all but he is very close and i just like to hug him, he kinda understands me and i just kinda let stuff out with him. but i can tell and he has told me he is uncomfortable with hugging me. but we were in the store a couple days ago and i saw this huge teddy bear and i hugged it in the store and it gave me a similar feeling of my emotions kinda of leaving me, but its really expensive and i dont have the money untill Christmas. i used to be able to get this feeling from big pillows, but not anymore and i am worried that i cant hug anything and that it just wont have that same effect anymore. its weird i know, but i cant do it anymore, i just cant let out emotion anymore. i have all these emotions inside me and they are conflicting but i cant let them out. usually before if i didn't hug him or a pillow in like two days my stomach would hurt from not letting my emotions out and it was a physical pain. but now i just can let anything out. and its really emotionally upsetting that its self, that i cant let them out. ugh ive just so many of them and they are stuck. i geuss its because i dont get affection from myself so i need it from other people to know that at least someone else cares about me. does anyone no how to force your self to cry or to just help let things out? and any tips? Thanks for reading this and God Bless