Johnnash
Active member
Hi I'm from India.Where do I start from ? I guess my story is very different from lot of people here. I am the kind of guy who never went to parties, lost my first job due to bullying in 3 days, malicious rumors(which were true actually) were spread about me 3 years back at college. I was sexually abused/exploited by some kids. This led to my problems like hypersexuality, OCD and probably bipolar. I also suffer from severe shyness and necrophobia. I feel like I'm constantly, um, ready to go if you know what I mean. And that's how I embarrassed myself this one time in public. And since then people laugh at me n spread rumors. people love this kind of gossiping. I actually feel guilty of my shameful acts. I was stupid and I fucked up totally. I feel like a pervert. I get nervous when talking to girls and I can't maintain eye contact because I feel guilty. I abhor myself and hence I always considered myself unworthy of any friends, acquaintances. I think that these people are going to know the truth about me sooner or later when I'm exposed and then they are going to hate me, so I better stay away from them. I live in constant fear of being "exposed". I feel am a predator, a rapist which i find insulting because I'm here on a forum where many people have been hurt and abused. But at the same time I've a tendency to help others and I don't hurt people. I see so many people treating others like shit, but nothing is wrong in their lives. They are successful. I tried improving my self many times but I guess my problems are very profound and psychological in nature. I can't talk about this problem to a doctor. In our society, these kinds of things are ridiculed and you are a bufoon who must be made fun of. Nobody understands. For them I'm just the "wierd kid" "gay kid" "desperate kid" and so on.
I'm stuck in this small town for well 21 years and staying in a hostile environment contributes exclusively towards the latest rumors floating around.Some of them keeping a watch on others with telescopes . people are sick over here. they spend most of their lives in causing others problems rather than improving there own. These rumors made their way into my town as some people from my college were from the same town as me. Somehow, eventually, I accepted that I had social phobia. I stopped going out, stopped talking to anyone and deleted everyone from my yahoo messenger. People, who don't know about the rumors, still send me messages but I refuse to respond as I'm ashamed of my past. I can only talk to strangers online. I managed to get my college degree[with above average/good grades] which was a herculean task but lost my job because I ran into these people who tormented me back in college.I'm 6'3 tall so I was never bullied physically, but I was bullied mentally. Mental bullying is worse than physical bullying. Anyone can bring me down to my knees with their vicious grins.I'm very weak emotionally. So I decided to move away from this country and go to USA for my post graduate education. I got relatives over there who promise me that I will get a job in software over there after my masters. I took this decision 3 months back because it's impossible to live here. How the fuck do I live here ?? I can't even step out of my house without worrying about these people. Maybe I'm a coward, but I swear by god I can't take it anymore. It's horrible when countless people are laughing at you just because of your one fault, and it hurts really bad considering that they are laughing at my diseased state. Why are people so insensitive ? I don't expect anything from you. It's not your parents who have to feed me. If you don't want to talk then fine, but at least let me live peacefully in my solitude. I would be going next year. But to my utter dismay, I learn that many of my college mates including the ones who harassed me are also going over there and some of them have already completed or have just started their masters program last year. And also there are many people from my town already settled in USA. I know that chances of me running into these people is pretty low but still I'm very apprehensive about future. I keep thinking what would happen if I run into people from college that made my life unbearable. They would again start spreading things about me over there and I would never have peace. If everything fails for me, then I guess only alternative is to either be placed in a mental institution. Can you believe that ? I've a GPA of well over 3.5[despite all the torture], why do I deserve this I haven't even moved out of my house for last 3 years. Even the sight of these people is debilitating. I feel very bad about myself. I'm not a bad student, then why should I fade away like this.
I'm stuck in this small town for well 21 years and staying in a hostile environment contributes exclusively towards the latest rumors floating around.Some of them keeping a watch on others with telescopes . people are sick over here. they spend most of their lives in causing others problems rather than improving there own. These rumors made their way into my town as some people from my college were from the same town as me. Somehow, eventually, I accepted that I had social phobia. I stopped going out, stopped talking to anyone and deleted everyone from my yahoo messenger. People, who don't know about the rumors, still send me messages but I refuse to respond as I'm ashamed of my past. I can only talk to strangers online. I managed to get my college degree[with above average/good grades] which was a herculean task but lost my job because I ran into these people who tormented me back in college.I'm 6'3 tall so I was never bullied physically, but I was bullied mentally. Mental bullying is worse than physical bullying. Anyone can bring me down to my knees with their vicious grins.I'm very weak emotionally. So I decided to move away from this country and go to USA for my post graduate education. I got relatives over there who promise me that I will get a job in software over there after my masters. I took this decision 3 months back because it's impossible to live here. How the fuck do I live here ?? I can't even step out of my house without worrying about these people. Maybe I'm a coward, but I swear by god I can't take it anymore. It's horrible when countless people are laughing at you just because of your one fault, and it hurts really bad considering that they are laughing at my diseased state. Why are people so insensitive ? I don't expect anything from you. It's not your parents who have to feed me. If you don't want to talk then fine, but at least let me live peacefully in my solitude. I would be going next year. But to my utter dismay, I learn that many of my college mates including the ones who harassed me are also going over there and some of them have already completed or have just started their masters program last year. And also there are many people from my town already settled in USA. I know that chances of me running into these people is pretty low but still I'm very apprehensive about future. I keep thinking what would happen if I run into people from college that made my life unbearable. They would again start spreading things about me over there and I would never have peace. If everything fails for me, then I guess only alternative is to either be placed in a mental institution. Can you believe that ? I've a GPA of well over 3.5[despite all the torture], why do I deserve this I haven't even moved out of my house for last 3 years. Even the sight of these people is debilitating. I feel very bad about myself. I'm not a bad student, then why should I fade away like this.
