Forgetmenot_ak
Banned
I was diagnosed with severe social anxiety in elementary school, maybe early middle school, not quite sure, but it was a while back either way. As a result of my severe social anxiety, I have crippling depression, particularly when reminded of ways that my disorder negatively is crapping all over my life. Malls are Hell to me, meeting new people is a situation that I literally have nightmares about, and even going on walks around the neighborhood requires about a full day of mental preparation.
At the end of January, my life really started to worsen. I was arrested in a domestic violence case because my ex (the guy I got into a fight with) was kind, cool, calm and collected towards the police. I was just shaky, I couldn't look the cops in the eyes, I slurred and stuttered, and my ex had poured beer into my hair after literally throwing me on his porch on a freezing night with nothing more than my thin, small dress on my person (no shoes, no stockings, no jacket, etc). I attempted to explain that I was the victim, that I was shaken up, and that ontop of that I suffered from Social Anxiety. I attempted to convince them that my medications that I take for said Social Anxiety make me appear to be "aloof" and cause me to slur my words more often than I normally would. I asked for the breathalyzer test three times but got nothing. I was treated like crap, even with my parents standing at my side explaining that I was not lying about my medications, my anxiety, my fear and my kind reputation. Hell, in school I was voted "sweetest in class"! The cop interviewed the ex and didn't interview me or gather any information from me aside from what I explained to her as she hushed me with cruel words, cuffed me, and shoved me into the back of her car.
I had had two and a half beers, if even that. I had never had so much as a parking ticket in the past. I was a fulltime student, and a I worked fulltime. I am well-known around my town for the work that I do with animals. In January alone, I rescued over 50 cats and 20 dogs from euthanasia at high kill shelters and successfully got them into rescues. I was only 20 in January, and if I were drunk (which I surely was not) shouldn't it have mattered that my 24 year old ex would have been the one supplying me with alcohol?
I spent the night in jail. I had recently pierced my ear, and I'm stubborn, and it was painful, so I refused to remove my piercing. As a result, I was in solitary confinement. Before that, though, I sat in the "drunk tank" soberly with someone strung out on meth and someone who had gotten into a brutal bar fight. I was strip searched and violated in the most demeaning of ways. I was shoved around by cops like in the movies as I was being "processed", and I was shocked that I was actually able to speak. When I spoke, though, I just begged for some form of mercy. I was crying the whole time, sobbing even, and I lost all respect for my county's legal system. Innocent until proven guilty? It's definitely the other way around.
Originally, I was put into an orange jumper, which indicated that I had some sort of psychotic mental defect. I had to be marched to my solitary confinement cell in this bright suit, handcuffed, with two burly escourts. I got cat calls from other cells, a girl grabbed my hair, I was the only one wearing this color. The prison psychologist was sent to evaluate me after I spoke with the "spiritual healer" (who, quite frankly, was a freaking joke in my mind), and the psychologist decided that I was not "mental", that I needed to change into a blue jumper. Blue was still a different color than everyone else, but it didn't mean that I was crazy so I settled with that.
My family is not rich. My parents couldn't bail me out of jail. So I sat in my cell, crying, hating myself for being such a social moron. In my attempt to save my own life as my ex was trying to kill me (literally), I picked up the closest object to me - a bottle opener - and scratched his back. Nothing deep or worthy of medical attention, but nevertheless I sat in that stupid cell with the possibility of being charged as a felon weighting me down physically and emotionally: "assault with a deadly weapon" and "drunk and disorderly".
I go to court for an actual trial on the 13th of this month. I've had three pretrials, and three other court dates fighting this. The DA spoke with my public defender and looked through the evidence that had accumulated and decided that my ex is a psycho. The DA dug around, found that the ex had been in Juvi on three different occasions, and presented this to my public defender. My public defender says that this is a very, very rare thing to have happen, and she is trying to assure me that I have the upper hand now, that my ex will hopefully be charged, along with his sister who lied to the cops with him. What's more, ex's story changed drastically with each interview and report. He told the cops I came over drunk. He told my private investigator that I came over sober but got increasingly drunk. He told the cops later that, yes, he had been drinking, but no, he did not provide me (underage at the time) with any alcohol.
I feel like I'm living in a Jerry Springer episode...
Anyway, my court date is this coming week. Less than a week from today will be jury selection. My life can be ruined or I can be given a chance to continue with everything without worries. I am just scared to death about going to court, seeing my ex, having my private life splayed on the table for a courtroom full of people to hear about, ashaming my parents and the rest of my family, and having nobody to truly support me aside from my public defender and my mom (who is testifying so will not be in the courtroom for the most part). I need words of encouragement, I need help, I need to get through this.
Since January, I dropped all but two of my classes and started working only part time. I go to trauma therapy because I have developed even MORE severe issues of trust in humankind. I am afraid to go for walks, because my ex lives right near me and recently I've walked and had water balloons thrown at me, had vulgar insults screamed at me, been threatened, had someone call me and tell me that I should off myself, and most recently a girl anonymously contacted me on the phone and told me that she wished that she could beat the crap out of me and have me go to jail just like my ex had done. Again, I am very shy, I am a good person, and it's clear that rumors are being tossed around about me. I've been called a whore, a slut, easy, a "tard", and I've had my ex actually tell his friends on his facebook site that he thought it was funny how upset I had become because of everything.
I try to talk to my family about this - my mom at least, and my older sister who is a certified domestic violence counselor - but they don't understand that it's not easy for me to just "suck it up" and stand up for myself. Nobody understands the extent to which social anxiety has eaten away at my self-esteem, and nobody seems to know that now it's worse, and so is my depression.
I know that this is long, I always tend to ramble, writing is one of the few ways I can express myself and explain my thoughts. Please, words of advice, helpful tips that may aid in getting me through the trial, a reassuring "you don't deserve this crap" - anything. I'm going to break. I had to get away from my town (just north of SF, CA). I'm in a small town in Alaska, now, until Sunday. But even here, miles and miles away, I feel like my anxiety is still three times worse than it used to be, I'm still on edge three times more than I was, and I still feel like an unlucky and possibly cursed individual. I no longer can pinpoint the good in myself without really having to dig around for it.
A time machine would be ideal. I'd go back 21 years and hope that my mother would opt to abort me instead of having such a shitty daughter.
Please help.:
:
At the end of January, my life really started to worsen. I was arrested in a domestic violence case because my ex (the guy I got into a fight with) was kind, cool, calm and collected towards the police. I was just shaky, I couldn't look the cops in the eyes, I slurred and stuttered, and my ex had poured beer into my hair after literally throwing me on his porch on a freezing night with nothing more than my thin, small dress on my person (no shoes, no stockings, no jacket, etc). I attempted to explain that I was the victim, that I was shaken up, and that ontop of that I suffered from Social Anxiety. I attempted to convince them that my medications that I take for said Social Anxiety make me appear to be "aloof" and cause me to slur my words more often than I normally would. I asked for the breathalyzer test three times but got nothing. I was treated like crap, even with my parents standing at my side explaining that I was not lying about my medications, my anxiety, my fear and my kind reputation. Hell, in school I was voted "sweetest in class"! The cop interviewed the ex and didn't interview me or gather any information from me aside from what I explained to her as she hushed me with cruel words, cuffed me, and shoved me into the back of her car.
I had had two and a half beers, if even that. I had never had so much as a parking ticket in the past. I was a fulltime student, and a I worked fulltime. I am well-known around my town for the work that I do with animals. In January alone, I rescued over 50 cats and 20 dogs from euthanasia at high kill shelters and successfully got them into rescues. I was only 20 in January, and if I were drunk (which I surely was not) shouldn't it have mattered that my 24 year old ex would have been the one supplying me with alcohol?
I spent the night in jail. I had recently pierced my ear, and I'm stubborn, and it was painful, so I refused to remove my piercing. As a result, I was in solitary confinement. Before that, though, I sat in the "drunk tank" soberly with someone strung out on meth and someone who had gotten into a brutal bar fight. I was strip searched and violated in the most demeaning of ways. I was shoved around by cops like in the movies as I was being "processed", and I was shocked that I was actually able to speak. When I spoke, though, I just begged for some form of mercy. I was crying the whole time, sobbing even, and I lost all respect for my county's legal system. Innocent until proven guilty? It's definitely the other way around.
Originally, I was put into an orange jumper, which indicated that I had some sort of psychotic mental defect. I had to be marched to my solitary confinement cell in this bright suit, handcuffed, with two burly escourts. I got cat calls from other cells, a girl grabbed my hair, I was the only one wearing this color. The prison psychologist was sent to evaluate me after I spoke with the "spiritual healer" (who, quite frankly, was a freaking joke in my mind), and the psychologist decided that I was not "mental", that I needed to change into a blue jumper. Blue was still a different color than everyone else, but it didn't mean that I was crazy so I settled with that.
My family is not rich. My parents couldn't bail me out of jail. So I sat in my cell, crying, hating myself for being such a social moron. In my attempt to save my own life as my ex was trying to kill me (literally), I picked up the closest object to me - a bottle opener - and scratched his back. Nothing deep or worthy of medical attention, but nevertheless I sat in that stupid cell with the possibility of being charged as a felon weighting me down physically and emotionally: "assault with a deadly weapon" and "drunk and disorderly".
I go to court for an actual trial on the 13th of this month. I've had three pretrials, and three other court dates fighting this. The DA spoke with my public defender and looked through the evidence that had accumulated and decided that my ex is a psycho. The DA dug around, found that the ex had been in Juvi on three different occasions, and presented this to my public defender. My public defender says that this is a very, very rare thing to have happen, and she is trying to assure me that I have the upper hand now, that my ex will hopefully be charged, along with his sister who lied to the cops with him. What's more, ex's story changed drastically with each interview and report. He told the cops I came over drunk. He told my private investigator that I came over sober but got increasingly drunk. He told the cops later that, yes, he had been drinking, but no, he did not provide me (underage at the time) with any alcohol.
I feel like I'm living in a Jerry Springer episode...
Anyway, my court date is this coming week. Less than a week from today will be jury selection. My life can be ruined or I can be given a chance to continue with everything without worries. I am just scared to death about going to court, seeing my ex, having my private life splayed on the table for a courtroom full of people to hear about, ashaming my parents and the rest of my family, and having nobody to truly support me aside from my public defender and my mom (who is testifying so will not be in the courtroom for the most part). I need words of encouragement, I need help, I need to get through this.
Since January, I dropped all but two of my classes and started working only part time. I go to trauma therapy because I have developed even MORE severe issues of trust in humankind. I am afraid to go for walks, because my ex lives right near me and recently I've walked and had water balloons thrown at me, had vulgar insults screamed at me, been threatened, had someone call me and tell me that I should off myself, and most recently a girl anonymously contacted me on the phone and told me that she wished that she could beat the crap out of me and have me go to jail just like my ex had done. Again, I am very shy, I am a good person, and it's clear that rumors are being tossed around about me. I've been called a whore, a slut, easy, a "tard", and I've had my ex actually tell his friends on his facebook site that he thought it was funny how upset I had become because of everything.
I try to talk to my family about this - my mom at least, and my older sister who is a certified domestic violence counselor - but they don't understand that it's not easy for me to just "suck it up" and stand up for myself. Nobody understands the extent to which social anxiety has eaten away at my self-esteem, and nobody seems to know that now it's worse, and so is my depression.
I know that this is long, I always tend to ramble, writing is one of the few ways I can express myself and explain my thoughts. Please, words of advice, helpful tips that may aid in getting me through the trial, a reassuring "you don't deserve this crap" - anything. I'm going to break. I had to get away from my town (just north of SF, CA). I'm in a small town in Alaska, now, until Sunday. But even here, miles and miles away, I feel like my anxiety is still three times worse than it used to be, I'm still on edge three times more than I was, and I still feel like an unlucky and possibly cursed individual. I no longer can pinpoint the good in myself without really having to dig around for it.
A time machine would be ideal. I'd go back 21 years and hope that my mother would opt to abort me instead of having such a shitty daughter.
Please help.:
:
