OCD1234
New member
First of all, I would like to state that I am swallowing all my pride in writing this. I should mention that I am 20 years old now.
I believe that I have had OCD since I was about 10 years old, if not since I was born. I have always had problems with guilt, and my therapist says that it stems from an oversized, punitive Superego, which serves mainly as Freud's representation of our conscience, judging our every decision. I began obsessing with guilt from a very young age, when I would punish myself for even thinking about doing something immoral, and it could be as trivial as considering interrupting my mother while she was having a conversation. I would force myself to sit in the corner for 10 minutes or so as punishment. This gradually got worse until I was in 10th grade, and developed into full-blown OCD. I will explain the circumstances now.
When I was in 8th grade, I got caught with alcohol by my mother. I told her I was going to a pond to drink it, but in reality, I was going to meet a friend and trade the bottle of alcohol for a bag of weed. To this day she does not know about this. I'll get back to this later.
When I was in 9th grade, my mental and psychological sexual development took off full blast. I thought about sex all day in school and promptly went home and jerked off every day after school. I was your average 13/14 year old boy and all I wanted was to have sex. I thought about sex with every girl in my grade, thought about fantasies when I would be stuck on an island with a girl for eternity, or that time would stop for everyone except me and another girl and we would use the opportunity to have sex. When I became frustrated with the boredom of daily masturbation and the realization that my fantasies would never come true, I started thinking about alternatives. I would fantasize about my mother catching me masturbating and me convincing her to give me a blowjob or more, I would fantasize about my sister, who was 5 or 6 years old at the time, catching me masturbating and giving me a blowjob. I would fantasize about aunts, cousins, etc. These fantasies were all very pleasurable, even the one about my very young sister, and I never thought that they were immoral thoughts.
One night, I thought to myself, 'you know, I probably could get a blowjob from my sister, or have sex with her if I really tried.' Keep in mind she was 5 or 6 at the time. I thought about the idea and for a few minutes weighed the pros and cons. The immorality of the idea never occurred to me. Finally, I decided that the possibility of getting caught by my father was too risky to pursue a sexual relationship with my very young sister, and I dismissed the idea. I didn't think about my considerations to have sex with my 5 or 6 year old sister again for some time.
Fast forward to the following summer, the summer between my Freshman and Sophomore year in high school. I was reading a book for Summer Reading and in the book a woman was sexually molested by her father, who would stand behind her in the ocean while he had an erection, and press her body up against his erection. I realized that I had done something similar with my sister, the same one mentioned before, but I had done so without an erection, and with no knowledge of anything sexual about the practice. I immediately became overwhelmed with guilt that I had sexually assaulted my sister and I began to obsess about it. I remembered that when I was 10 or 11 years old, in 5th grade, I would fantasize while carrying my baby sister around, the same sister mentioned before, while she was 2 years old, that instead she was a beautiful woman that I was having sex with. I did not undress her or anything, but pretended that instead of holding my baby sister, I was holding a beautiful woman that I was in the process of having sex with. I was not sexually attracted to her whatsoever, and when I changed her diaper I would have no sexual arousal or thoughts whatsoever. I began obsessing about this and before long I had convinced myself that I was a pedophile.
I continued to obsess about being a pedophile, and at the same time the guilt I felt for betraying my parents when I drank in 8th grade resurfaced. I felt guilty for never telling them that I was actually going to trade the alcohol for weed and the guilt I felt turned into a full-fledged phobia of intoxication. I decided that I could not allow drug intoxication of any kind to affect my life because I felt guilty about betraying my parents with drugs/alcohol. Keep in mind that I was using no drugs at the time, and my fear of intoxication turned into a fear of contamination with guilt in general, which grew to include my guilt of possibly being a pedophile. I began washing my hands whenever coming into contact with anything I felt could contain or be covered in any amount of drug or alcohol residue, in addition to washing my hands whenever feeling guilty about my pedophilic obsessions, my sister, or touching my groin. My masturbation frequency dropped from 1-2 times a day to once a month at most because I felt so sexually guilty for the sexual feelings I had felt for my much younger sister. One of my compulsions that developed around this time was the refusal to allow any guilty thoughts or obsessions to influence my life. This compulsion grew to the point where I believed and still believe to an extent that days or weeks of my life never actually happened because they were affected by a guilty thought.
This continued for YEARS and I barely made it through. Now I am in college and I am seeing a therapist. He told me that all the feelings I had for my sister were natural and all part of adolescence. He said that during adolescence, the number one thought in the male brain is 'where can I stick my penis'. This can include any vagina, including the vagina of a baby, a mother, a sister, etc., and that social norms cause these thoughts to never turn into action for fear of punishment. My therapist told me that in dysfunctional families, incest and molestation is common because social norms are frequently ignored and inadequate nurturing and parenting leads to frequently broken laws, including sex laws.
These obsessions still haunt me today, and I have found that the way I deal with them best is to convince myself that I am not a sexual deviant and that my thoughts and feelings are more common than I ever thought. Can anybody give me any insight or examples of their own?
I believe that I have had OCD since I was about 10 years old, if not since I was born. I have always had problems with guilt, and my therapist says that it stems from an oversized, punitive Superego, which serves mainly as Freud's representation of our conscience, judging our every decision. I began obsessing with guilt from a very young age, when I would punish myself for even thinking about doing something immoral, and it could be as trivial as considering interrupting my mother while she was having a conversation. I would force myself to sit in the corner for 10 minutes or so as punishment. This gradually got worse until I was in 10th grade, and developed into full-blown OCD. I will explain the circumstances now.
When I was in 8th grade, I got caught with alcohol by my mother. I told her I was going to a pond to drink it, but in reality, I was going to meet a friend and trade the bottle of alcohol for a bag of weed. To this day she does not know about this. I'll get back to this later.
When I was in 9th grade, my mental and psychological sexual development took off full blast. I thought about sex all day in school and promptly went home and jerked off every day after school. I was your average 13/14 year old boy and all I wanted was to have sex. I thought about sex with every girl in my grade, thought about fantasies when I would be stuck on an island with a girl for eternity, or that time would stop for everyone except me and another girl and we would use the opportunity to have sex. When I became frustrated with the boredom of daily masturbation and the realization that my fantasies would never come true, I started thinking about alternatives. I would fantasize about my mother catching me masturbating and me convincing her to give me a blowjob or more, I would fantasize about my sister, who was 5 or 6 years old at the time, catching me masturbating and giving me a blowjob. I would fantasize about aunts, cousins, etc. These fantasies were all very pleasurable, even the one about my very young sister, and I never thought that they were immoral thoughts.
One night, I thought to myself, 'you know, I probably could get a blowjob from my sister, or have sex with her if I really tried.' Keep in mind she was 5 or 6 at the time. I thought about the idea and for a few minutes weighed the pros and cons. The immorality of the idea never occurred to me. Finally, I decided that the possibility of getting caught by my father was too risky to pursue a sexual relationship with my very young sister, and I dismissed the idea. I didn't think about my considerations to have sex with my 5 or 6 year old sister again for some time.
Fast forward to the following summer, the summer between my Freshman and Sophomore year in high school. I was reading a book for Summer Reading and in the book a woman was sexually molested by her father, who would stand behind her in the ocean while he had an erection, and press her body up against his erection. I realized that I had done something similar with my sister, the same one mentioned before, but I had done so without an erection, and with no knowledge of anything sexual about the practice. I immediately became overwhelmed with guilt that I had sexually assaulted my sister and I began to obsess about it. I remembered that when I was 10 or 11 years old, in 5th grade, I would fantasize while carrying my baby sister around, the same sister mentioned before, while she was 2 years old, that instead she was a beautiful woman that I was having sex with. I did not undress her or anything, but pretended that instead of holding my baby sister, I was holding a beautiful woman that I was in the process of having sex with. I was not sexually attracted to her whatsoever, and when I changed her diaper I would have no sexual arousal or thoughts whatsoever. I began obsessing about this and before long I had convinced myself that I was a pedophile.
I continued to obsess about being a pedophile, and at the same time the guilt I felt for betraying my parents when I drank in 8th grade resurfaced. I felt guilty for never telling them that I was actually going to trade the alcohol for weed and the guilt I felt turned into a full-fledged phobia of intoxication. I decided that I could not allow drug intoxication of any kind to affect my life because I felt guilty about betraying my parents with drugs/alcohol. Keep in mind that I was using no drugs at the time, and my fear of intoxication turned into a fear of contamination with guilt in general, which grew to include my guilt of possibly being a pedophile. I began washing my hands whenever coming into contact with anything I felt could contain or be covered in any amount of drug or alcohol residue, in addition to washing my hands whenever feeling guilty about my pedophilic obsessions, my sister, or touching my groin. My masturbation frequency dropped from 1-2 times a day to once a month at most because I felt so sexually guilty for the sexual feelings I had felt for my much younger sister. One of my compulsions that developed around this time was the refusal to allow any guilty thoughts or obsessions to influence my life. This compulsion grew to the point where I believed and still believe to an extent that days or weeks of my life never actually happened because they were affected by a guilty thought.
This continued for YEARS and I barely made it through. Now I am in college and I am seeing a therapist. He told me that all the feelings I had for my sister were natural and all part of adolescence. He said that during adolescence, the number one thought in the male brain is 'where can I stick my penis'. This can include any vagina, including the vagina of a baby, a mother, a sister, etc., and that social norms cause these thoughts to never turn into action for fear of punishment. My therapist told me that in dysfunctional families, incest and molestation is common because social norms are frequently ignored and inadequate nurturing and parenting leads to frequently broken laws, including sex laws.
These obsessions still haunt me today, and I have found that the way I deal with them best is to convince myself that I am not a sexual deviant and that my thoughts and feelings are more common than I ever thought. Can anybody give me any insight or examples of their own?
