CpuJunky
New member
First of all, thank you for "listening" to my problem. Although I feel the need to tell my progressive story, and have waited nearly 15 years to do so, I’ll try to make it brief. I don’t even know if this is the best forum to post on, but it’s something. If you want to skip to the end, I really just need to know where to go from here….
Ok, so my name is Brian and I'm 28. Growing up was normal until about the 3rd or 4th grade when kids started to make fun of me for being chubby and what not. Kids do that, I know, but I suppose remembering these things 20+ years later only proves I may have been predisposed for anxiety issues from the get go. I wasn’t really an overweight kid or adult, even now, but I suppose I took those remarks too far to heart. I vividly remember what the other kids did and said to this day. This continued on until about the 7th or 8th grade when I noticed I was experiencing “unreasonable” anxiety in many situations.
I remember giving a presentation in the 8th grade in which I tried adamantly to be the first to speak so I could “beat” the anxiety before it hit. I wasn’t quite as anxious the prior period, and my body took a few minutes to fuel the adrenaline, so if I could get ahead of feelings maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. The negative feelings always won.
The negative feelings continued on through High School where everything just got worse. I would write my own early dismissal notes just to avoid a potentially anxious day. I did this quite well mind you. I would do whatever it took to avoid class presentations and, quite frankly, class in general. Nevertheless, I graduated with a good GPA and, all the while, still enrolled in the “gifted” classes.
College came…and went. The anxiety was worse than ever and, with the unfettered freedom to skip class, it was quite easy. I didn’t join clubs, make friends, or engage in anything social. I remember arriving to a Java programming class a few minutes late, and the door was shut. Rather than walk in front of the class to find a seat, I just went home. I failed most of my classes. I regret missing out on most of my college years.
Fast forward to today. From the outside, I appear fairly well off. I own my home, my car is paid off, and I have a good IT job with the school district. Ironically, this is the very same school district in which my anxiety began. The truth, I avoid lunch with co-workers to go home and I find the most isolated spot to do most of my work. I also know bell schedules so I can arrive and leave before I have to wade through the hall of high school kids. I also find out the free periods of teachers so I can fix the problem without having to walk in front of the kids. It’s like everything has come full circle.
I’ve smoked since I was about 18 and have always found “comfort” in food. The scary part is, within the past year, I’ve taken up drinking almost daily. A 6-pack after work is not uncommon. I find an alcohol buzz to be one of those few times where I really don’t feel anxious (I’m actually drinking a beer as I type this). I’m afraid I’m going to die early. Perhaps all this was brought on by my anxiety or maybe I’m predisposed to addiction as well. I don’t know, but it’s something that is going to shorten my life.
The reason I’m finally posting this, and seeking help, is mainly because I’m tired. Every day of my life is a stressful one, and I’m SICK of it. I’m tired of sitting in the back and not voicing my opinion. I feel I have so much potential, but I can’t do anything with it. I’m afraid of dying early, if not from smoking or alcohol, from a heart attack from stress. More notably, I am the best man at a friend’s wedding coming up in October. Without some help, I don’t think I will be physically capable of giving a speech and I don’t want to let him down.
SO WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?
Do I call my local doctor and tell him I have anxiety issues? Do I look in the yellow pages for psychologists or psychiatrists (what’s the difference anyway?). I don’t know, and I’m hoping someone else does. Honestly, a pill that changes the way my brain is wired or a doctor listening to me to get his $80+ an hour isn’t exactly appealing to me. But if that’s what I have to do, then at this point I’m willing.
Any questions just ask....and
THANKS!
Ok, so my name is Brian and I'm 28. Growing up was normal until about the 3rd or 4th grade when kids started to make fun of me for being chubby and what not. Kids do that, I know, but I suppose remembering these things 20+ years later only proves I may have been predisposed for anxiety issues from the get go. I wasn’t really an overweight kid or adult, even now, but I suppose I took those remarks too far to heart. I vividly remember what the other kids did and said to this day. This continued on until about the 7th or 8th grade when I noticed I was experiencing “unreasonable” anxiety in many situations.
I remember giving a presentation in the 8th grade in which I tried adamantly to be the first to speak so I could “beat” the anxiety before it hit. I wasn’t quite as anxious the prior period, and my body took a few minutes to fuel the adrenaline, so if I could get ahead of feelings maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. The negative feelings always won.
The negative feelings continued on through High School where everything just got worse. I would write my own early dismissal notes just to avoid a potentially anxious day. I did this quite well mind you. I would do whatever it took to avoid class presentations and, quite frankly, class in general. Nevertheless, I graduated with a good GPA and, all the while, still enrolled in the “gifted” classes.
College came…and went. The anxiety was worse than ever and, with the unfettered freedom to skip class, it was quite easy. I didn’t join clubs, make friends, or engage in anything social. I remember arriving to a Java programming class a few minutes late, and the door was shut. Rather than walk in front of the class to find a seat, I just went home. I failed most of my classes. I regret missing out on most of my college years.
Fast forward to today. From the outside, I appear fairly well off. I own my home, my car is paid off, and I have a good IT job with the school district. Ironically, this is the very same school district in which my anxiety began. The truth, I avoid lunch with co-workers to go home and I find the most isolated spot to do most of my work. I also know bell schedules so I can arrive and leave before I have to wade through the hall of high school kids. I also find out the free periods of teachers so I can fix the problem without having to walk in front of the kids. It’s like everything has come full circle.
I’ve smoked since I was about 18 and have always found “comfort” in food. The scary part is, within the past year, I’ve taken up drinking almost daily. A 6-pack after work is not uncommon. I find an alcohol buzz to be one of those few times where I really don’t feel anxious (I’m actually drinking a beer as I type this). I’m afraid I’m going to die early. Perhaps all this was brought on by my anxiety or maybe I’m predisposed to addiction as well. I don’t know, but it’s something that is going to shorten my life.
The reason I’m finally posting this, and seeking help, is mainly because I’m tired. Every day of my life is a stressful one, and I’m SICK of it. I’m tired of sitting in the back and not voicing my opinion. I feel I have so much potential, but I can’t do anything with it. I’m afraid of dying early, if not from smoking or alcohol, from a heart attack from stress. More notably, I am the best man at a friend’s wedding coming up in October. Without some help, I don’t think I will be physically capable of giving a speech and I don’t want to let him down.
SO WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?
Do I call my local doctor and tell him I have anxiety issues? Do I look in the yellow pages for psychologists or psychiatrists (what’s the difference anyway?). I don’t know, and I’m hoping someone else does. Honestly, a pill that changes the way my brain is wired or a doctor listening to me to get his $80+ an hour isn’t exactly appealing to me. But if that’s what I have to do, then at this point I’m willing.
Any questions just ask....and
THANKS!
