Hazel
Member
Hi, I just created an account, but I've been lurking here for at least the past 3 years - maybe even longer. I decided to make an account and post my own experience primarily to get things off my chest, but also to hopefully shed a little light on the problems that a lot of people here have.
And I apologize for how long this is going to be, but I've never told a single person about my problems so I have a lot to say.
I've had social anxiety for as long as I can remember. First it was just shyness, but somewhere a long the line it evolved into a full blown complex that I'm only now beginning to realize the depth of. I was always naturally shy, but I got picked on a lot in school because I was very very tall (currently 6ft 7), very thin, silent, but also pretty smart. I was always self conscious about how thin I was; I lived in the desert, but never ever went swimming because you could see my ribs. Throughout elementary school and high school I was super self conscious, and as a result, very quiet. But thinking back upon it, I was actually asked out by girls every now and then, but I did everything I could to avoid them because I was so anxious. I knew I was smart and I was nice and that was why these girls were interested, but I disliked myself so much that I couldn't accept interacting one-on-one with them.
So I decided that my anxious problem was just about maturity, that I just had to leave home and it would all go away. So I got a scholarship and went to a college about 200 miles from home; not far, but far enough. Well then it only got worse. Living in the dorm just exacerbated my problem. All these guys were outgoing, fun, had girlfriends, were confident - and I compared myself to all of them. So I completely went into my shell and became even more self conscious. That caused what has been my biggest and most persistent social anxiety problem - hyperventilation. Anytime I talked to someone, I immediately compared myself to them, wondered what they thought of me, and I was sure that I would run out of things to say. All of this led to a problem of hyperventilation anytime I talk to people. 90% of the time I'm sure people have no idea that I'm having difficulty breathing, but because of it I either choose not to talk to people, or I cut the conversation short as soon as I feel it coming on. So that made me even more self conscious and quiet. If I can't physically talk to people then how am I supposed to get passed it?
So I was still convinced that it was something that I would grow out of. I joined social clubs for the exposure, but I was constantly nervous, anxious, and quiet. I ultimately developed a pseudo-inferiority complex (even though I was always the tallest person in the room) because I compared myself to everyone and focused on all of my faults. Exposure really didn't help at all. I was still doing great in school - top of the class, but I was in utter pain on the inside.
So I decided I had to get away. If I was out of the country and completely on my own then I would have no choice but to break out of my shyness (I was convinced that it was still shyness). So I spent my junior summer studying abroad in Scandinavia - no friends, no family, just me in a foreign country with strangers. I met a few people there, but I still felt vastly inferior to them. I tried to put on a smile and interact with people, but I was dying on the inside because I knew that I wasn't seeing the progress that I expected. I still felt very out of place and awkward. But I made a few close friends and that was something at least.
Throughout my constant battle with this problem my grades really never suffered and I still had career goals that I was determined to reach. It's funny, I was so anxious and nervous that I couldn't talk to anyone without hyperventilating, but I was STILL sure that I wanted a career in politics. So once my undergrad career was wrapping up I decided this was it - I'm going to go to law school. I figured if getting grilled and torn apart by law school professors couldn't break me out of my social anxiety / shyness then nothing would.
Well I got accepted to a top law school on the other side of the country. HUGE MISTAKE. Well, at least in some regard. I'm just about to finish my first year and I can honestly say that despite the UNBELIEVABLE STRESS and the occasional suicidal thought, I've actually liked everything that I've learned. However, in the past 8 months I have had several total breakdowns as a result of my social anxiety. Even though I've always been self conscious and hated just about everything about myself, I've always identified myself with being the smartest. Well at law school that isn't the case. Everyone here graduated top of their class; they're brilliant. Maybe I'm middle of the road here - maybe. And for the first few months I couldn't handle that. I pretty much had no identity when I came here, but the only thing that I could hold on to what the belief that I was smarter than most. Once that was taken from me, I literally had NOTHING to prop myself up with.
So that's led me where I am today. I had to learn about myself. I've tried every social anxiety cure there is - supplements, beta blockers, klonopin, CBT, NLP, exercise, etc. If there's a possible cure out there, I guarantee that I've tried in over the past year. Through all of it, through getting my butt absolutely kicked by law school, through the constant stress of competition and failure, through my inability to communicate with people, I've come to one realization:
I absolutely despise the image that I hold of myself in my own mind.
I still see the kid in elementary and high school that I was thin, awkward and shy. When I talk to people, when I think of myself, that is the image that I see and that I expect everyone else sees.
But rationally, I know that isn't the case. I'm far more mature now. I'm normal weight for my height, I know that I won't run out of things to say when I talk to people, and I actually think that I'm pretty good looking. I didn't even realize it - but my girlfriend tells my all the time that she thinks I'm good looking, nice, and everything that she wants, but I've always rejected her compliments instantly. I don't believe it in my own mind so I can't accept it even when I know that she isn't lying.
It's a self-fulfilling prophesy actually. I have social anxiety because I have no confidence and I hold a very negative image of myself in my mind. But it is incredibly difficult to change this image in my mind because of my social anxiety. If I could talk to people without hyperventilating and actually express myself articulately then I would develop a greater image of myself. But when I try to talk to people and the negative images of myself come flooding into my head, I naturally hyperventilate and reinforce the problem.
But for the first time in my life I can say with total confidence that i know why I have social anxiety. I know that I lack self confidence and I fundamentally dislike the images that I hold of myself. These are things that I can focus on and fight, I and will every single day until I win. I mean hell, I threw myself into a foreign country and into law school in an attempt to fix my problem - how can fixing my self confidence be any worse?
So that's my story. I'm sorry that I don't have a miracle cure for you, and I'm sure for most of you this seems like common sense. But for me it wasn't. I thought my problem was shyness, maturity, biological, or something else. But for me it is confidence and how I accept myself as I actually am, not how I perceive I am. I still have a long road a head, but now I know what I am fighting.
And I apologize for how long this is going to be, but I've never told a single person about my problems so I have a lot to say.
I've had social anxiety for as long as I can remember. First it was just shyness, but somewhere a long the line it evolved into a full blown complex that I'm only now beginning to realize the depth of. I was always naturally shy, but I got picked on a lot in school because I was very very tall (currently 6ft 7), very thin, silent, but also pretty smart. I was always self conscious about how thin I was; I lived in the desert, but never ever went swimming because you could see my ribs. Throughout elementary school and high school I was super self conscious, and as a result, very quiet. But thinking back upon it, I was actually asked out by girls every now and then, but I did everything I could to avoid them because I was so anxious. I knew I was smart and I was nice and that was why these girls were interested, but I disliked myself so much that I couldn't accept interacting one-on-one with them.
So I decided that my anxious problem was just about maturity, that I just had to leave home and it would all go away. So I got a scholarship and went to a college about 200 miles from home; not far, but far enough. Well then it only got worse. Living in the dorm just exacerbated my problem. All these guys were outgoing, fun, had girlfriends, were confident - and I compared myself to all of them. So I completely went into my shell and became even more self conscious. That caused what has been my biggest and most persistent social anxiety problem - hyperventilation. Anytime I talked to someone, I immediately compared myself to them, wondered what they thought of me, and I was sure that I would run out of things to say. All of this led to a problem of hyperventilation anytime I talk to people. 90% of the time I'm sure people have no idea that I'm having difficulty breathing, but because of it I either choose not to talk to people, or I cut the conversation short as soon as I feel it coming on. So that made me even more self conscious and quiet. If I can't physically talk to people then how am I supposed to get passed it?
So I was still convinced that it was something that I would grow out of. I joined social clubs for the exposure, but I was constantly nervous, anxious, and quiet. I ultimately developed a pseudo-inferiority complex (even though I was always the tallest person in the room) because I compared myself to everyone and focused on all of my faults. Exposure really didn't help at all. I was still doing great in school - top of the class, but I was in utter pain on the inside.
So I decided I had to get away. If I was out of the country and completely on my own then I would have no choice but to break out of my shyness (I was convinced that it was still shyness). So I spent my junior summer studying abroad in Scandinavia - no friends, no family, just me in a foreign country with strangers. I met a few people there, but I still felt vastly inferior to them. I tried to put on a smile and interact with people, but I was dying on the inside because I knew that I wasn't seeing the progress that I expected. I still felt very out of place and awkward. But I made a few close friends and that was something at least.
Throughout my constant battle with this problem my grades really never suffered and I still had career goals that I was determined to reach. It's funny, I was so anxious and nervous that I couldn't talk to anyone without hyperventilating, but I was STILL sure that I wanted a career in politics. So once my undergrad career was wrapping up I decided this was it - I'm going to go to law school. I figured if getting grilled and torn apart by law school professors couldn't break me out of my social anxiety / shyness then nothing would.
Well I got accepted to a top law school on the other side of the country. HUGE MISTAKE. Well, at least in some regard. I'm just about to finish my first year and I can honestly say that despite the UNBELIEVABLE STRESS and the occasional suicidal thought, I've actually liked everything that I've learned. However, in the past 8 months I have had several total breakdowns as a result of my social anxiety. Even though I've always been self conscious and hated just about everything about myself, I've always identified myself with being the smartest. Well at law school that isn't the case. Everyone here graduated top of their class; they're brilliant. Maybe I'm middle of the road here - maybe. And for the first few months I couldn't handle that. I pretty much had no identity when I came here, but the only thing that I could hold on to what the belief that I was smarter than most. Once that was taken from me, I literally had NOTHING to prop myself up with.
So that's led me where I am today. I had to learn about myself. I've tried every social anxiety cure there is - supplements, beta blockers, klonopin, CBT, NLP, exercise, etc. If there's a possible cure out there, I guarantee that I've tried in over the past year. Through all of it, through getting my butt absolutely kicked by law school, through the constant stress of competition and failure, through my inability to communicate with people, I've come to one realization:
I absolutely despise the image that I hold of myself in my own mind.
I still see the kid in elementary and high school that I was thin, awkward and shy. When I talk to people, when I think of myself, that is the image that I see and that I expect everyone else sees.
But rationally, I know that isn't the case. I'm far more mature now. I'm normal weight for my height, I know that I won't run out of things to say when I talk to people, and I actually think that I'm pretty good looking. I didn't even realize it - but my girlfriend tells my all the time that she thinks I'm good looking, nice, and everything that she wants, but I've always rejected her compliments instantly. I don't believe it in my own mind so I can't accept it even when I know that she isn't lying.
It's a self-fulfilling prophesy actually. I have social anxiety because I have no confidence and I hold a very negative image of myself in my mind. But it is incredibly difficult to change this image in my mind because of my social anxiety. If I could talk to people without hyperventilating and actually express myself articulately then I would develop a greater image of myself. But when I try to talk to people and the negative images of myself come flooding into my head, I naturally hyperventilate and reinforce the problem.
But for the first time in my life I can say with total confidence that i know why I have social anxiety. I know that I lack self confidence and I fundamentally dislike the images that I hold of myself. These are things that I can focus on and fight, I and will every single day until I win. I mean hell, I threw myself into a foreign country and into law school in an attempt to fix my problem - how can fixing my self confidence be any worse?
So that's my story. I'm sorry that I don't have a miracle cure for you, and I'm sure for most of you this seems like common sense. But for me it wasn't. I thought my problem was shyness, maturity, biological, or something else. But for me it is confidence and how I accept myself as I actually am, not how I perceive I am. I still have a long road a head, but now I know what I am fighting.
