Angel_Of_Death said:
Thursday September 25th
I'm starting work again on sunday, and once a month I have to meet with one of the managers 1 on 1 for about 30 minutes where we have to talk. The lady is HOT! My anxiety goes trough the roof every time we have one of these meeting, my heart beats like crazy, I sweat like crazy and I can hardly put 3 words together. I always end up feeling depressed and embarrassed when I leave her desk. I have the meeting on sunday, and I hope the Inderal can make a difference.
Sunday September 28th
Last night (saturday) I didn't take any Inderal. Went training in the afternoon, then went to a friends house. Played poker, drank some beer and then we later decided to do some cocaine. I know...I'm not proud. Although cocaine is something I rarely do (it was my 3rd time) lately I've been smoking (weed) and drinking more.
Drugs, alcohol, hookers...some of the "good" things which have occupied my time lately. It seems that more time goes by, the more these things have a more important place in my life. Would it be different if I didn't have s/a ? I think so. But still, I haven't gotten to the point that I'd really abuse of any of that, I have my limits. I don't see myself going with that type of life style, I'd rather be married, raise kids, get a house, go on vacations, have a nice a job, earn a good/honest money, spend time with family and friends...be happy.
So...last night, after drinking and sniffing I finally got home around 2am. I couldn't sleep at all...I went to work the next morning (sunday) with 0 hours of sleep and I had my 1-1 meeting. I decided to up the dose and take 60mg, 1 and a half pills.
It definitely helped, even tough I was feeling nervous during the meeting I did much better than I thought I would, specially with 0 hours of sleep. I managed to make things not too awkward and overall I'm satisfied with how things went.
I realized that as soon as something triggers the anxiety in me, I always get the same physical symptoms : Heart pounding, heavy sweat, not being able to talk/think properly. Inderal completely eliminates the heart pounding, it's non-existant. Doing that kinda helps with the not being able to talk/think properly, as when your heart is beating at a normal speed, you feel overall more relaxed, more in control, so you get to think more clearly. But still those symptoms are still there, just 10 times less. As for the sweating, today at some point during the meeting I did sweat, but less than usual it was all in control.
Side effects: I think my body might be slowly getting used to the drug, as even by adding to my dosage for 60mg, and with 0 hours of sleep...I didn't feel to tired (under the circumstances), my eyes didn't feel as dry as usual....side effects weren't really an issue.[/quote]
