My experience lately

[proudmummy]

I've just ran back home after leaving 10 minutes earlier to go for a long walk with my mum, I felt my normal paranoid self and had nothing but negative thoughts as these last few days have been really hard, I have been "socialising with people" non-stop for the past week but its been absolute pain and the experiences only have made me more miserable, and more happy to just sit in my own little shell and ignore the world. Anyway, I just cracked FINALLY (thought I wouldve cracked days ago) and I made some excuse to come home saying to my mum i'd see her later (which I know I won't), as I walked home, around 5 men tried to make conversation with me on the way back and I blunty answered them and walked as fast I could to save feeling the pain and awkwardness i've had to endure these last few days, conversation is last thing I want right now... as soon as I got through my front door with my baby son I burst into tears and am now mesmerising the absolute horror I've gone through lately, my conversational skills have been rock bottom and I feel like everyone is lying to me when they say they want to see me again, they want to meet up again etc etc. I've made arrangements tonight, which I just want to cancel and I've got arrangements tomorrow daytime and tomorrow evening, I just don't want to do it. I can't face it. I'm looking at my baby boy and feel so guilty, hes so good, and I've got him trapped in my flat because of his mums selfish mental problems, he should be out playing with other babies in mum & toddler groups not stuck inside with his USELESS PATHETIC MUM.... whats made it harder lately, last Sunday I found out my birthfather had Schizophrenia, so I'm just really worried now. I'm going to be crazy like him. Everyone said he was "mental", i'm going to be mental....I can't stand it, why me?! I so feel like I want to give up now. What kind of my life am I really gonna have?!!

 

[Helyna]

You're not 'crazy'. You know what social phobia is. Just because you're struggling with that doesn't mean you're going to end up schizophrenic. If people have really been saying they want to see you again, they're probably telling the truth. You have to believe that. You never look as bad as you think you do, trust me.

 

[NightTimeForever]

proudmummy, how old are you? Cuz at a certain age the onset of schizo becomes less likely. And, I believe, the later the onset the better the prognosis, anyway (*IF* you ever end up having it).

 

[CK23]

I think you've just been overwhelmed by all the social interactions off-late... I mean if someone's got SA it's very challenging for them to keep meeting people and having that plastered smile on their face all the time... You should cancel any further meetings with people till you're okay... and when you do get okay try to take one meeting at a time... like one meeting a day so to speak... Proudmummy i think it's very brave of you to raise a beautiful son and fight this SA as well.... you have plenty of fight in you and you deserve to live life on your own terms rather than let people map up your life for you...Just take one day at a time and do what you feel like doing... that way you can relax yourself and also make sure your son gets the right kind of attention from you... Good luck and all the best

 

[Helyna]

I think I was a bit heartless earlier. I really do sympathize, and I know it's hard when you're burned out. Of course you'd get burned out easier than "normal" people, because you're not used to much social interaction. And I've always thought about how difficult it is for the mothers on this site and how much more they need than any of the rest of us.

But I don't want you worrying about schizophrenia, OK? (Wish it were as easy to do as to say.)