I feel like life is meaningless. Even with Paxil I can't make friends so I'm lonely at home, but I also hate going out cause I always feel awkward talking to people. Any free time I have I obsess about not having a girlfriend and when I'm at work, I hate my job. I'm not sure if Paxil is causing this or I need to take more Paxil. What a mindfuc*!
Oh my... Do I know how you feel! I have felt that way my entire life. I obsess over having a girlfriend and of course the female anatomy too. Even if I did have a girlfriend, I feel like it would be great, but it still wouldn't matter much because of this lack of meaning in life. I feel like I am a waste of water and air. I can hold a job though, even though I was laid off back in April after 16+ years of staying with the same employer. Now that I am back in the looking for work mode, I am finding that there isn't anything that I am qualified for. Nobody wants an electronic tech that has skills in land line modems and multiplexers. Sorry to change the subject, I find myself doing that allot these days. I have been single my entire life, and I have always ALWAYS wanted a girlfriend. Being a guy with raging hormones, I have always wanted a female companion. It's a lonely life. If I wasn't afraid to die, I would have ended my life a very long time ago. Even when I am supposed to be having fun like at an amusement park I still feel depressed and anxious. I can't talk to anyone that is a stranger, I avoid eye contact, and when I see a gorgeous female I feel even worse. I feel so horribly bad that I want to kill myself, but my fear of death prevents me from acting on it. That's another reason why I hate going out of the house, because if I see someone who is attractive, I get very very depressed because I know that I will never stand a chance with her. I am old, fat and ugly. My body may be 40+ years old, but in my minds eye I am only attracted to younger ladies half my age. I feel like a dirty old man, and I can't help it. I have tried many therapists, psychiatrists, handfuls of drugs and different combination's of drugs and all the chemicals out there did nothing to help me. I feel trapped in a body and a life that I have never really wanted, and for as long as I can remember. Which is as far back as 5 years old, I have always felt the same way I do now. I honestly feel like the only way to rid me of this gnawing agonizing grief, is to die. I sure wish the grim reaper would hurry up and just do it...:
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