So, yes. 35 years old... various forms of social anxiety, avoidance, shyness, OCD all my life, so not sure where to put this.
I've just come back from four days in Ireland, attending the wedding of my partner's sister and his dad's 60th birthday and retirement celebration. It has been physically exhausting but even more so, emotionally overwhelming and now I can't stop stressing about all the things I did and said wrong.
My partner comes from a large and close family, and they have a lot of friends. I am completely out of my comfort zone when I spend time with them, and there are always so many people and so many opportunities to get things wrong. They all know each other better, so as the new person, I feel very exposed.
Although, of course, I worry about these things in advance, I find I feel much, much worse after events are over (story of my life, I was the same with exams). I can think of at least one major stupid, crass and awful thing that I did or said to each person, and often multiple things. The fact that there isn't a damn thing I can do about it now doesn't give me a sense of relief - it gives me a sense of profound helplessness and frustration. All the bad things are festering in my head, and I find it hard to believe they are not festering in other people's heads as well. Often, I find that my reactions to a situation get progressively worse as time goes on - the shame and embarrassment take time to bloom, like an emotional bruise.
All this is complicated by the fact that other people are giving me a lot of positive feedback about how I came across. That doesn't help at all. I feel as if I have been pretending to be a nice person for four days - and that that isn't a very nice thing to do. If people don't like me, if I offend them - obviously that is horrible. If they like me, I feel they are either wrong to do so, or that it is based on a fake facade, so I don't feel good about that either. Definitely a lose-lose situation.
If I can't be pleased with how I came across in public, I can't take any comfort in anyone else being pleased. I also don't feel that I can "be myself"... I really don't know who that is. Or at least, I can never be sure when I'm around other people.
I feel that at my advanced age, I should be better able to predict and avoid problems, but when I'm in the moment, I can't think clearly. I am just careering around on instinct and trying desperately to respond to the cues other people are giving me.
Other problems I should also have forseen... I made a big effort with my outfit for the wedding. It was a 1920s theme, and I bought a beaded flapper-style dress and spent ages looking for the right accessories. Turns out that everyone else went for standard wedding outfits, so I was very visible. And I got a lot of compliments on my dress - but it ended up really freaking me out. I wanted to look nice, but generally speaking, I dress to avoid attention, so a lot of attention - even positive attention - did not feel good. And I felt... somehow wrong, vain... as if people would assume that I was *trying* to draw attention to myself, or that I wanted people to ask me about it. Maybe that I was fishing for compliments.
It doesn't feel as if my social issues are getting better. I have been on medication since I was 17, and in various forms of therapy. I ended two and a half years of therapy last November, and I think it was actually making my social anxiety worse as my therapist always made me feel I was doing everything wrong. I had over a year of CBT (a long time ago) and it didn't suit me at all. I've tried DBT as well and mindfulness actively seems to make me more frustrated, so I don't know what else to try.
Really don't know where I am going with this post... It may well be monstrously self-indulgent. Just want to get some of these thoughts out there and maybe get some sense I am not alone.
Urrrgh.
I've just come back from four days in Ireland, attending the wedding of my partner's sister and his dad's 60th birthday and retirement celebration. It has been physically exhausting but even more so, emotionally overwhelming and now I can't stop stressing about all the things I did and said wrong.
My partner comes from a large and close family, and they have a lot of friends. I am completely out of my comfort zone when I spend time with them, and there are always so many people and so many opportunities to get things wrong. They all know each other better, so as the new person, I feel very exposed.
Although, of course, I worry about these things in advance, I find I feel much, much worse after events are over (story of my life, I was the same with exams). I can think of at least one major stupid, crass and awful thing that I did or said to each person, and often multiple things. The fact that there isn't a damn thing I can do about it now doesn't give me a sense of relief - it gives me a sense of profound helplessness and frustration. All the bad things are festering in my head, and I find it hard to believe they are not festering in other people's heads as well. Often, I find that my reactions to a situation get progressively worse as time goes on - the shame and embarrassment take time to bloom, like an emotional bruise.
All this is complicated by the fact that other people are giving me a lot of positive feedback about how I came across. That doesn't help at all. I feel as if I have been pretending to be a nice person for four days - and that that isn't a very nice thing to do. If people don't like me, if I offend them - obviously that is horrible. If they like me, I feel they are either wrong to do so, or that it is based on a fake facade, so I don't feel good about that either. Definitely a lose-lose situation.
If I can't be pleased with how I came across in public, I can't take any comfort in anyone else being pleased. I also don't feel that I can "be myself"... I really don't know who that is. Or at least, I can never be sure when I'm around other people.
I feel that at my advanced age, I should be better able to predict and avoid problems, but when I'm in the moment, I can't think clearly. I am just careering around on instinct and trying desperately to respond to the cues other people are giving me.
Other problems I should also have forseen... I made a big effort with my outfit for the wedding. It was a 1920s theme, and I bought a beaded flapper-style dress and spent ages looking for the right accessories. Turns out that everyone else went for standard wedding outfits, so I was very visible. And I got a lot of compliments on my dress - but it ended up really freaking me out. I wanted to look nice, but generally speaking, I dress to avoid attention, so a lot of attention - even positive attention - did not feel good. And I felt... somehow wrong, vain... as if people would assume that I was *trying* to draw attention to myself, or that I wanted people to ask me about it. Maybe that I was fishing for compliments.
It doesn't feel as if my social issues are getting better. I have been on medication since I was 17, and in various forms of therapy. I ended two and a half years of therapy last November, and I think it was actually making my social anxiety worse as my therapist always made me feel I was doing everything wrong. I had over a year of CBT (a long time ago) and it didn't suit me at all. I've tried DBT as well and mindfulness actively seems to make me more frustrated, so I don't know what else to try.
Really don't know where I am going with this post... It may well be monstrously self-indulgent. Just want to get some of these thoughts out there and maybe get some sense I am not alone.
Urrrgh.