Mistaking polite 'friendliness' as something much more

tooshytosay

tooshytosay

Well-known member
I don't know, perhaps the generally lonely and relationship-less life I lead predisposes me to this.

In life, you meet people that are "friendly" to you out of sheer politeness / professionalism. Yet I keep interpreting such friendliness as having deep "personal" ramifications!

I know such thinking is wrong.. but I just can't help myself from making them - because it just 'happens' at an emotional level inside me.

When the cashier asks "how are you today", to them that is routine kindness. To me, it feels as if someone is genuinely interested in me and my life.

When a girl looks at me and says "thank you" for holding a door open for them - it does not mean she wants to go out with me.

When someone working in the service industry is "nice" and "kind" to you - it's because you're their customer, not (necessarily) because they like you as a person.

When you spend time together working with colleagues - it does not necessarily mean there exists between you a personal 'friendship'.

I mean sure, a very few of such encounters may lead to true relationships / friendships - but a vast majority will not, and most people expect them not to. My problem is that I expect EVERY little social interaction to have 'deep' meaning - and I just can't seem to break out of such thinking.

What it does in the end is that I feel more nervous / shy around these people because my imaginations are running wild amidst completely untrue assumptions about who they are in relation to me. And thus my behaviour / speech becomes more and more "out of this world", because well, that's what I end up doing - dramatically misinterpreting situations.
 
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Array

Active member
Yeah! I kinda have same problem actually! We live in our head and its usually never right....... The only solution i have found to this is being straight up with them at the beginning which is a hard thing to do in itself.. Like if you want to be friends just tell them or invite them out... Least then you know exactly where you stand before your imagination kicks in and starts making all these paths that might happen!
 
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Krista

Well-known member
I don't necessarily have this problem anymore. Although when my SA was really bad before, I think being in need of feeling like I wanted a relationship (which I don't handle well at all when I actually get them..making this problem harder) or seeing others together I latched on to guys very easily. Whether it was just a new guy I became friends with or even one of my best guy friends showing me anymore attention than usual, I'd jump on it. Automatically getting "feelings" for them or taking the situation out of context only to be hurt when I found out that they weren't actually feeling that way. I'm not sure what kind of coping mechanism this is for loneliness but I've gotten over it. Now I just can't seem to gather feelings at all really about most guys.

On the other side of this, I know how it feels. I try to be friendly when first meeting people so they'll feel comfortable enough for us to get to know each other better and I've had many guys mistake that as something more than just being polite and nice. It's not something that really bothers me except for the fact that it puts me in the position of having to hurt someone's feelings which I dislike doing. I try to be less friendly and enthusiastic so it doesn't happen. I'm not big on attention really either..
 
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SplosionDude

Active member
Yeah, i do that a lot. I try not to, but my imagination just runs away with itself sometimes, too.

It's almost like the opposite of another problem i have and that i'm pretty sure a lot of other people on here have. We overanalyse little things and end up taking a lot of stuff way, way, way too personally/negatively.

I really wish i was slightly more level headed lol
 
Pink_Paula

Pink_Paula

Well-known member
I used to be like that as well, if anyone was nice to me i'd latch on to them, not in a creepy stalkerish way, but i'd look forward to hearing from them because they were nice to me, gave me compliments, made me feel less of a freak. I don't do it anymore, i've realised how unhealthy it is nowadays i'm more likely to keep people well away from me rather than letting them in.

I'm Like Krista as well, i'm always nice when i meet people, and sometimes that can get confused as something else. It's hard telling someone that you were only being friendly and that you just want to be friends, i have tried being less friendly, but it's not me. I feel bad for feeling like i have lead someone on, but really all i was being was nic...gawd people are confusing lol
 
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Krista

Well-known member
Pink_Paula said:
I used to be like that as well, if anyone was nice to me i'd latch on to them, not in a creepy stalkerish way, but i'd look forward to hearing from them because they were nice to me, gave me compliments, made me feel less of a freak. I don't do it anymore, i've realised how unhealthy it is nowadays i'm more likely to keep people well away from me rather than letting them in.

I'm Like Krista as well, i'm always nice when i meet people, and sometimes that can get confused as something else. It's hard telling someone that you were only being friendly and that you just want to be friends, i have tried being less friendly, but it's not me. I feel bad for feeling like i have lead someone on, but really all i was being was nic...gawd people are confusing lol
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Ha! Exactly Paula, geez lets start a damn club :rolleyes:
 
lurknomore

lurknomore

1
I think I used to be the same way... so few people showed me attention that I wanted the casual friendliness to mean more- plus I probably didn't (and still don't) know the difference between polite friendliness and genuine interest. Nowadays, I think I automatically dismiss everything as meaning nothing... this may be the reason I don't have close friends- or any friends for that matter.
 
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userremoved

Guest
Yes just like a growling stomach this is a common symptom of the love starved.
 
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Krista

Well-known member
Lonely Ladies Looking for Love, lol. We can have monogrammed napkins with four fancy L's on them :D
 
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da_illest101

Well-known member
You should stop thinking like that and see what happens next. You can see after a few times if someone is trying to become your friend or not. Don't jump to conclusions, you have no idea how many times i thought a girl was in love with me just because she was nice to me ::p:
 
Social_Monstrosity

Social_Monstrosity

Well-known member
I'm the exact same way.

Whenever a girl approaches me in a friendly manner (Which is VERY seldom), I innately think that she wants to get in my pants.

I wish my perception of these sort of things wasn't so warped =\
 
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