Section_31
Well-known member
Well, sometimes things jsut backfire, and go wrong, and this is what happened recently.
A week ago, we were getting ready to go to our latest counselling appointment. I initially felt some pretty strong anxiety over it, during the first few appointments, but it had gradually ceased on its own. My wife however, wasnt lucky enough for that to have happened.
So were on our way to the session, and i can tell shes agitated. I tried talking to her, trying to keep her mind off it. I did ask her if she was feeling up to it that day, (she has a pretty bad cold and has been under the weather). She said she was, and i said "ok, but if you change your mind we dont have to do anything. we can leave whenever you want." I dont know if it worked or not but i thought giving her control of the situation might make her feel better, as its worked in the past.
I figured part of her really bad anxiety this day may have been partially attributed to the cold shes been fighting, as she said when she cant breathe through her nose, she finds she gets much more nervous much easier.
Anyway, so were in the counselling office, not even for 10 minutes, and the whole time she look svery tense, being very quiet, not saying very much at all. Then she just says "i have to leave" and gets up and walks out.
Now this, in itself, is nothing new. It happened the night before our wedding, and at other times. Weve talked about it and ive found the best thing to do is let her find a "safe zone" where she can be alone for a few minutes, and come back when shes ready. A few times i tried going after her to try to calm her down and she felt that only drew attention to her and it made the situation worse. So now i dont make a big deal out of things at all, and everything is usually fine when she comes back.
So again, anyway, I stayed for the rest of the session, giving her some space, and when it was over i wandered around a bit and found her in a local book store, which happened to be a quiet area. She was visibly much more calm. I didnt talk about what had happened, we just went out for lunch, and i took the rest of the day off work to spend with her and try to turn the day into somthing positive as i know she always feels really crappy and embarassed after an episode like that.
SO, fast forward to 3 days later. I finally gently bring up what happened, asking her if she wanted to go back again. She said no. She said she didnt feel she was getting anything out of it, that she was hugely embarassed about walking out of the session, and that she felt her SA couldnt be beaten or managed, just lived with. She asked me how i felt about it, and i was honest, i said i didnt think it was a good choice, that weve only been to 5 or 6 sessions, and that shes had this her whole life and maybe it just needed some more time to really have any effect. She disagreed, and we talked it out some more. Basically her mind is just made up. I thought about gently pushing the matter, but i dont see what good would come of it, as even if she DID go because i wanted her to, if she isnt going to want to be there, i doubt she would take anything away from it at all.
So, it sucks, and i was a little sad. I spent the last 3 or 4 days really thinking about it all and analyzing it before posting this, because yes, i was mildly upset. Not angry, not at all, i was just disapointed that this particular effort didnt do much for her. I just didnt want to write an emotionally charged, frustrated posting on here.
We talked some more, and i told her i love her and support her, and that i understood her reasoning for feeling the way she did. I let her know that i didnt like her choice, but that im still at her side regardless of what we have to do to make life easier for her.
Ive sat back and looked at the bigger picture, the timeline of things we have done to try to make things easier for both her and me. In terms of things going wrong, i have to say this is probably the first big thing, if you consider this big. Im trying to look at it as just a bump in the road. She hasnt given up and neither have i, but theres always going to be frustrating times.
Anyways, this is my situation thus far.
talk to you all later
.
-E
A week ago, we were getting ready to go to our latest counselling appointment. I initially felt some pretty strong anxiety over it, during the first few appointments, but it had gradually ceased on its own. My wife however, wasnt lucky enough for that to have happened.
So were on our way to the session, and i can tell shes agitated. I tried talking to her, trying to keep her mind off it. I did ask her if she was feeling up to it that day, (she has a pretty bad cold and has been under the weather). She said she was, and i said "ok, but if you change your mind we dont have to do anything. we can leave whenever you want." I dont know if it worked or not but i thought giving her control of the situation might make her feel better, as its worked in the past.
I figured part of her really bad anxiety this day may have been partially attributed to the cold shes been fighting, as she said when she cant breathe through her nose, she finds she gets much more nervous much easier.
Anyway, so were in the counselling office, not even for 10 minutes, and the whole time she look svery tense, being very quiet, not saying very much at all. Then she just says "i have to leave" and gets up and walks out.
Now this, in itself, is nothing new. It happened the night before our wedding, and at other times. Weve talked about it and ive found the best thing to do is let her find a "safe zone" where she can be alone for a few minutes, and come back when shes ready. A few times i tried going after her to try to calm her down and she felt that only drew attention to her and it made the situation worse. So now i dont make a big deal out of things at all, and everything is usually fine when she comes back.
So again, anyway, I stayed for the rest of the session, giving her some space, and when it was over i wandered around a bit and found her in a local book store, which happened to be a quiet area. She was visibly much more calm. I didnt talk about what had happened, we just went out for lunch, and i took the rest of the day off work to spend with her and try to turn the day into somthing positive as i know she always feels really crappy and embarassed after an episode like that.
SO, fast forward to 3 days later. I finally gently bring up what happened, asking her if she wanted to go back again. She said no. She said she didnt feel she was getting anything out of it, that she was hugely embarassed about walking out of the session, and that she felt her SA couldnt be beaten or managed, just lived with. She asked me how i felt about it, and i was honest, i said i didnt think it was a good choice, that weve only been to 5 or 6 sessions, and that shes had this her whole life and maybe it just needed some more time to really have any effect. She disagreed, and we talked it out some more. Basically her mind is just made up. I thought about gently pushing the matter, but i dont see what good would come of it, as even if she DID go because i wanted her to, if she isnt going to want to be there, i doubt she would take anything away from it at all.
So, it sucks, and i was a little sad. I spent the last 3 or 4 days really thinking about it all and analyzing it before posting this, because yes, i was mildly upset. Not angry, not at all, i was just disapointed that this particular effort didnt do much for her. I just didnt want to write an emotionally charged, frustrated posting on here.
We talked some more, and i told her i love her and support her, and that i understood her reasoning for feeling the way she did. I let her know that i didnt like her choice, but that im still at her side regardless of what we have to do to make life easier for her.
Ive sat back and looked at the bigger picture, the timeline of things we have done to try to make things easier for both her and me. In terms of things going wrong, i have to say this is probably the first big thing, if you consider this big. Im trying to look at it as just a bump in the road. She hasnt given up and neither have i, but theres always going to be frustrating times.
Anyways, this is my situation thus far.
talk to you all later
.-E
