I have always had some degree of depression and stress disorder. I hate to sound like a baby but it seems like my whole life hasjust been too damn hard. I spent years looking for the bright side, reaching out to people, trying to be the best friend I could to anyone and everyone.
I could type pages that would make most people's jaw drop but I wont I ll type a shorter version of my life as I have lived it.
Childhood - abusive alcoholic mother and a father that just didnt give a damn. Literally we would beg him to help us while our mother beat us and he would just tell us to go away he needed to sleep.
My brother died in 2002 from depression/malnutrition. He just stayed so upset all the time he couldnt eat because he got sick every time he did. I didn't think I would ever get through that but I did because I knew it would hurt my brother if he thought I stopped living because I lost him.
Seems like every good friend I ever had just ended up using me for what they could get out of me. Though I finally fell in love and it was hard, he got cancer twice in the 8 yrs we were together and I stuck by him and took care of him and thank God he has got better both times.
Then in July of 2011 one day before my 30th birthday, I found him online responding to personal ads, it ripped my heart out after 8 yrs and taking care of him through cancer twice and doing everything I ever could to make him happy... I moved out and just two weeks after moving out, I lost my job of 10 years in a horrible way. One day I go into work and I was not only fired but arrested in front of over 300 coworkers. I had no earthly idea what was going on, I had never done anything wrong. As it turns out 6 months prior to that, an ex employee called me up and wanted me to take her to the retail store so she could use my employee discount on some jewerly. I didnt think anything about it and even asked the manager on staff if it was okay and she said it was fine. Well unknown to me that woman ( the ex employee ) used her dead grandmothers credit card that day and since it was rang up under my employee discount the company held me at fault. All I was trying to do was help this ex employee get a discount and hell I even asked if it was okay. Its not like you check your friends purses to be sure every credit card in their purse has their name on it. I had to get a lawyer and fight it out in court, eventually the charges were dropped against me and the state even gave me unemployment but that was very little compensation compared to loosing my dignity, all the embarassment, and my job. At this point I was nearly suicidal. I called up a friend the day the charges were dropped in court, he insisted we go out to the club and celebrate, I had barely left my house since that whole mess started so I reluctantly agreed. I did drink more than I should but he was driving, he asked me if he could borrow $20 until friday which was only 2 days away, I had been friends with him for over 13 yrs and even sent him care packages while he was fighting in IRAQ every week and I would have bet my life on him... I said sure and handed him my debit card only to find out days later he stole $280 from me that night after 13 yrs of friendship knowing I just lost my job, and was so depressed i wanted to die.. stole from me in my darkest hour.. knowing I was alone after 8 yrs, had just moved out on my own... he couldnt have hurt me worse if he cut my heart out with a knife.
And he is not the only one who has just flat out screwed me over in my darkest hour. And the worst part is being alone. I expected such an outpouring of support and friendship but after everyone got the gossip my phone fell silent. And the silence rips my soul into. I would never steal anything and have never done drugs or got in any trouble at all...EVER! In fact the very night I lost my job I had stopped at Kroger to get flowers for a coworker who just lost her grandmother. I always tried to cheer everyone up and was the first person to volunteer for fundraisers for ill employees. I miss my job so much and seeing all those people I worked with for so many years. It seems like I vanished out of reality and no one cares. Unemployment is hard to live on but in the time I worked for the company ( it was a jewelry company) I had spent about every free penny I ever had there (over $35,000) on jewelry so I have been selling it off to make up the difference that unemployment doesnt cover and it just makes me sick to look at all that jewelry anyhow after the company done that to me. I was one of the only employees they let put stuff on hold because they knew I would buy it and not back out an then they fire me and arrest me over $1200 that girl charged that day.... if they had just asked me about it I would have paid it gladly but I was not even given a chance to speak.. I was treated like a dog. I cant prove it but I just cant get it out of my head that they only did that to me because I am openly gay. Most of the time I just wish I was dead.. Nothing makes me smile anymore and every day is a struggle.
