me and social phobia

#1
hey..

i went to the ER because i couldnt deal with a speech class i had. the doctor there perscribed me some ativan until i could see a primary care physician. the ativan doesnt work well. he labeled my problem as 'situational anxiety.' the truth is i have been terrified of speaking in front of people since the 4th grade, and i still remember the day i realized my problems. I walked to the front of the class to do my report, i was very excited. i got up to the desk, started speaking. the desolate silence and the sound of my voice began resonating around inside my head. i felt stupid, and suddenly i could not talk. I did not know what to make of it, i did not know what was wrong. It felt like a physical barrier i could not cross. This is why i dont believe the bs some people try to tell me about 'getting over it.' I didnt invent this, it just happened.

Since then(4th grade) ive managed to go through school by either thorougly messing up in a class presentation or taking the F. i am also quite anti-social, when people I dont know try to talk to me i sound rude, my vocabulary becomes that of a first grader. I tend to scare people away because of the mean expression i seem to have on my face. i cant say what i really mean. even though i would love to talk to and meet new people i am thoroughly scared of it. It is a facade i keep up so people dont talk to me even though i want them to, a paradox eh. i feel like im in a shell trying to break out, i really dont mean to be so harsh to people, it just comes out that way. Sometimes i am scared of muttering the casual 'here' during class rollcall. occasionally i have hw questions and refuse to ask any other student(especially girls becuase i dont want them to have the impression i am hitting on them when i really only want some class info). I am about to transfer from my CC to a university and i have been holding off this public speech class for a long time. It seems fairly pathetic to me that I may not go to university because I am too scared of speaking and interacting with people, especially large groups. To add to this, I can't read off a paper for speeches this semester, I can only use a small outline. reading off a paper is hard enough, I dont know if i can do this alone.

i use to take my friends adderall(boosts my confidence) for presentations, but i cant depend on some psychotropic drug to help me forever. positive thoughts dont work either, no matter what i tell myself( i have tried many approaches) i still screw up. words dont work. belittling the audience doesnt work either.

To those who want to understand how i feel when i am the focus of attention, I was a kid who lived in Saudi Arabia through the gulf war(we were americans and my dad moved their for a job when i was 2). The first night of of scudding from Iraq was the worst. I was hiding under blankets in our saferoom(just a room in the house with tape over the openings so gas couldnt get in). I was scared that a scud was going to hit our house and I was going to die(several landed a close as 1 mile from us). It seems pretty amazing to me, being shot at with missles is as terrifying as public speaking for me. Pathetic. every class presentation feels like the end of my life.

ive never met someone with the same problems as me, what is wrong?
I have a doctors appointment scheduled tommorow i hope he can help.

scott

PS. ive posted a similar message on another site, just looking for feedback.
 
#2
and another thing

just an addition, what if the doctor doesnt believe me? My parents seem to think im bsing them. it seem inconcievable to them. They pay for the insurance, i might as well use it.
 

shep

Well-known member
#3
Hi Scott,
Like Scardecat, I've had sa for a long time. I'm newly retired now and that helps my social situation somewhat. I wish you luck with your doctor and I hope he is able to help you. I have avoided medications so far but it is a comfort to know they are available if my condition becomes intolerable for some reason. I tried a psychologist and after about four appointments, I felt that I was getting nowhere and quit. SA is a curse and it is my opinion that making adjustments to my life by staying away from situations which aggravate the condition is more important than trying to lead a "normal" life at the expense of exposing myself to situations which I cannot deal with which cause extreme unease and possibly a breakdown. I can only offer the suggestion that you consider that your mental health stability is most important and your choices in life should always take that into consideration. For instance, I found that an office job I had was almost unbearable and I was in a tailspin. I started a new job doing swimming pool service which was much less stressful in its nature and I soon operated my own business until a couple of years ago. I was always ok with one or two people and fine with dealing with customers (as long as they did not invite me to one of their parties) and the business kept me very busy physically and mentally and the years passed. I have many interests and I would have preferred to become an airline pilot or a research scientist but I realized early on that I could not deal with college. But that is me. I have read accounts of others with sa who have successfully completed college. Anyway, I feel that a less stressful situation will help you build confidence but at present, you may be "biting off more than you can chew". I suppose I could go on and on and never fully explain my thoughts on this. Hopefully my reply is not disheartening. :roll:
 

Anonymous

Well-known member
#4
so true..in my opnion

i agree shep, i feel so just fine when im not submitting myself to things that really are unnecessary. I have been so much better not being at work and at times feel like im cheating not going to work because i feel so good. Then, i KNOW what's going to happen when i go back (if that is) I laughed when you said....so long as they dont invite you to their parties...that is so me... anyway, i gota send this off right now or i wont....but i'll be back.. :D
 

Anonymous

Well-known member
#5
Hey

Hey my name's Krystal, I'm 18, still in highschool. Ive got sa, bipolar, and add. I take Paxil and Adderall. Medicines, however, do not reverse the trauma that's been done to my mind, the inclinations that I've inherited, etc. I'm so depressed, scared, lonely, and utterly SICK of having to deal with people everyday that I'm ready to drop out of high school and go to night high school so I can do all my work on a computer at my own pace. I only have 5 months till I'm supposed to graduate, but that can be a hell of a long time when you are ME. I have no friends...something about my personality turns people off completely. When I try to be casual and confident...er...pseudo-confident...people seem to see right through the front and shun me. I don't go to lunch, I go to the library instead. I am living by myself in a trailer right now because I can't even stand living with people anymore. My dad is renting the trailer out to me, but I've already ran out of money I had saved up (yep. I can't hold down a job for my shyness and uneasiness with folks) so I don't know how much longer my dad will put up with me staying out here. I don't know if what I am saying is French to you, but maybe, just maybe, you can be empathetic of it. It seems like everywhere on the Net I go people who have SA have totally different problems and totally different opinions that I do, and even shun me virtually. It hurts :cry:

Sorry for being so dramatic. I'm just trying to be truthful here...anyway, hope you have a nice night :wink:

[email protected]
 
#6
Hey, I understand the "french" 8) Oh yeah... SA, BP & ADD, now who else could understand that. :wink: Anyway I hope that's all you've got, cuz I cant' stand competetion. :wink:

Krystal, the fact that you intend to quit high school caught my eye and I must say though I don't know the importance of a high school certificate/diploma where you reside, but for the sake of how far you've come and the effort you've put n thus far, DON'T quit.

Taking on online course will get you your degree/diploma but does it help you wiht your SA? You're still young, if you don't start fighting it now you'll keep running for the rest of your life.

Scan through this site and you'll read about SA's who've regreted thier decision to drop out of school at some point. You're young and I'm sure one day you'll look back and be thankfull you stuck through at least one thing. Now you and I know that's tough with ADD but you just have to.

I survived mine. I see no reason why you can't yours. I have every confidence you will. All you need to do is to believe in yourself. Forget those idiots who tease and ignore, if only you knwo they too are suffering from something, low self-esteem.

Also Hon, living by yourself is a big NO NO.

You shouldn't. Thats when all those thoughts have thier way with you and you fall deeper. Try to find a place to stay that has other people you can interact with. Of course you don't have to (though I suggest you do) but living all alone in a trailer will not help you in anyway.

Well, now that thats been said, would you like to hear stories of my High school-capades? :?:
 
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