peacegrrl
Active member
I don't know if many of you can relate. But, to hear another opinion would be good. I believe that to some extent, I have a narcissistic personality or at least some narcissistic traits. As much as I like the thought of being charitable and kind, and try to treat others well when I can, sometimes I just don't care. Or don't want to care. I have always been selfish. I used to truly believe I was special and different from anyone else. I believe(d) there was a hierarchy of "normal" people and I was one of the rare, unique people who couldn't be lumped in with the rest. I have been remorseless with others before, in ways I'm now deeply and terribly ashamed of. For the most part it's because it never occured to me that they have a personality and identity too, even if they didn't flaunt it all over the place.
I've been thinking about this and recently it hit me. Around the time I entered high school, I remember that I actually, consciously began telling myself to "always put other people before me because they are better and/or more important".
This could have started for any number of reasons, but I've narrowed it down to one: since my behaviour was attracting negative attention (ie. gossip), in order to protect myself from further embarrassment, I replaced my self-important state of mind with a self-deprecating one. It worked, in that I grew more compassionate (albeit fearful) toward my own peers and especially toward strangers. But now... now I have two problems. :
:
Another thing. I don't think these are just moments when I feel particularly good about myself. I'm like this all the time; even nowadays I have to work to stifle the thoughts. I have always been like this, it's part of me, it's who I am. That's not to say I don't want to change it. However, if by chance I ever develop a better sense of self-esteem, would I be getting rid of the one thing that's preventing me from being a complete egotistical douchebag?
![Confused :confused: :confused:](data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7)
Thoughts?
I've been thinking about this and recently it hit me. Around the time I entered high school, I remember that I actually, consciously began telling myself to "always put other people before me because they are better and/or more important".
Another thing. I don't think these are just moments when I feel particularly good about myself. I'm like this all the time; even nowadays I have to work to stifle the thoughts. I have always been like this, it's part of me, it's who I am. That's not to say I don't want to change it. However, if by chance I ever develop a better sense of self-esteem, would I be getting rid of the one thing that's preventing me from being a complete egotistical douchebag?
Thoughts?