Loss of interest after bullying

[Paulkh]

I was bullied psychologically and physically at school between the age of 6 and 16, is it normal for people who have been severely bullied to lose interest in a lot of things ? When I was young I had lots of dreams and plans but as an adult it just seems that nothing interests me as a far as work and career is concerned. I am finding this really hard to explain. When I was a young kid I wanted to be many things including a vet, wildlife worker and a writer.

Since I left school I just want to write. Just write. I work as a nurse but it doesn't interest me at all and no other career of job interests me. Nothing accept writing. I live and breathe to write and hopefully one day I will be published.


What I am trying to ask is, is this normal ? I am not lazy, I am a hard worker, but the thought of any job just leaves me feeling blank. I also have so much anger inside me, its like a volcano and I shout at my son for the stupidest little things. I have two sons and the one I shout at the most for silly things just looks like me when I was his age. I love him to pieces and I feel like nobody understands me. Maybe I don't understand me.

 

[DarkSeeker]

I went through severe bullying from age 0-19. I don't care who did what to me, my biggest bullies in my head will always be my parents. I remember that absolute feeling of helplessness and powerlessness. I was just a puppet, a walking cadaver with strings plucked in its back.

I still have nightmare about this. I don't know what kind of bullying you went through, but I think that consciously taking out the repressed anger in a healthy way would be a good start. I find the conscious part of it to be important, that feeling you get after unleashing your everything. It's almost a feeling of accomplishment, a feeling of power and control.

It's probably not you who is shouting at your son, but incorporated behaviors you caught from your bullies. It's just like an infectious disease that spreads from generation to generation. This happened because you can't handle what happened to you and let the other parts of your brain do it for you. It's hard and embarrassing, but when you get a little twitch when you're with someone else don't hesitate to take a few step back and ask them what you just did. By realizing and accepting the source and the way it made you feel at the time, the behavior and the rage will eventually disappear.

When I was acting like a zombie, I eventually ended up thinking that someone else had control over my body, but at some point I observe myself at the right time and it clicked. It was me who was acting like this, I was the one person saying all those terrible things.

 

[Noca]

Loss of interest is a symptom of depression. Depression is a common result of bullying/abuse. I would go seek help at your doctor.

 

[Paulkh]

Thanks for your answers, I guess I do recognise that I have a lot ( alot ) of anger in me and I am trying to keep it in the jar so to speak. And I also agree that bullying is a vicious circle and often bullied people end up being bullies themselves or worst. It has affected me badly and I hope I am on the right path. I still bear a lot of resentment. For instance with my parents. When I was going through the bullying all they ever seemed to do was to tell me to hit them back. I couldn't. I was small and thin and weak. Looking back I needed help and probably counselling. Not to be told just to hit them back.

I don't know if I am depressed or not. I guess I often get low and it kind of comes in waves. I am determined to write, however, its all I 've ever wanted to do. I have never had any interest in doing anything else. Is that because I was bullied ? Is that because I am depressed ? Or is that because I was born to write ? I don't know. I'm still confused about that. Any job that I can think of just leaves me feeling blank. I work as a nurse but I really have hated it for 16 years. I need to write. Its the only thing that makes me feel alive. It didn't help that when I was 14 my whole family told me to forget the writing and to get a proper job. I listened. That was probably my biggest mistake.

Bullying has left a lot of scars. For years I had no confidence and suffered from social anxiety disorder and panic attacks. Every so many years the panics come back and I end up on all kinds of medications. At the moment I am doing ok and I hope it stays that way. I am still not the life and soul of the party. I am not as shy as I used to be but I still find it IMPOSSIBLE to get up and dance at a party or to enjoy a party of any sort but that is something I will have to work on. I do also find that I am better with women than with men. I have never worked with other men and that is probably due to the bullying.

What did help me considerably was a PDF document that you can find on the web. I found it really helpful.

For anyone who is interested just google - social anxiety PDF - and you'll find it. But probably most people here have seen it.

I don't know how often I will visit this site but if anyone wants to chat about bullying and the effects of bullying then just email me ok,

[email protected]

I would like to have some friends that have been through similar stuff. Maybe we can help each other and become good friends.

Paul

 

[Avarak]

I've never really been bullied before, but you have to remember that whoever bullies you, it reflects on their character not yours.

In other words being bullied doesn't reflect negatively on you, it reflects negatively on the bully since they choose to act in such a childish way.

 

[Paulkh]

Thank you, that is so true

 

[ThePunisher]

Loss of interest is a symptom of depression. Depression is a common result of bullying/abuse. I would go seek help at your doctor.

Well said and agreed from personal experience.

 

[Honda]

Yes i did lose my passion in my life cuz of bullying yet im recovering now and putting goals but instead, i lately found out that the best thing to do is being happy in life no matter what happens, maybe ill have a normal boring career and marry a girl that aint perfect but as long as im happy and find peace of mind then im fine. Yes im settling for less as long as its making me happy even though this world is demanding.. I was bullied since 1st grade till my 1st year in college...
I sometimes feel my parents were a reason for me being weak, i used to tell them i was being bullied and my father used to go to school for it instead of telling me to stand up for myself and push me to be strong so i stopped telling my parents to keep the embarrassment low and took the beating in silence..
I used to be terrified of bullies and really regret not standing up to them, i was a complete coward in almost everything.. I didnt even dare to play sports i just used to sit on the side and watch others play... I used to find the computer an escape from the real world and never had a social life except in school...
Now i dont care anymore what the world throws at me or thinks of me even if i'll look like **** ill just do whatever that pleases me..

 

[backflipper144]

Loss of interest is a symptom of depression. Depression is a common result of bullying/abuse. I would go seek help at your doctor.

Could be depression. You probably have "learned helplessness" syndrome, something you developed as a child to maintain a mental state of pro-parents because it was your means of survival.

You yell at your sons because you're angry and they're easy targets. Would you blow up like that on a guy twice your size?

Also sounds like you're seeking your purpose in life. If you will go 100% after your passion and what you're good at you'll be fine. Flirting with your gift will just lead to ups and downs.