Losing my grip...

NP88

NP88

Well-known member
I want to be a positive person. I try very hard. Life however seems to beat me down and I have no choice to get back up. Everyday Ive been waking up recently wishing I were dead, this isn't me. I've lost all zest for life. The only thing keeping me going is my family and my dog. If it wasn't for them I would likely be gone... it really saddens me to say this. I wish things were different, I don't know how to heal. I feel so alone. I have a social phobia which is the root of my problems. It just hit me today that I must appear to be some kind of sub human to everyone else. A reject, even to the few people who respect me I shy away from them and mistreat them unintentionally because of my lack of emotional and social energy. I just went to a family reunion and said very little to everyone, I was talked about behind my back. I quit my job recently because I couldnt handle it anymore. My dad thinks Im useless. When Im none of these things. The only thing I lack is social ability. I am a philosopher, an excellent cook, a very hard worker, in good shape, have a keen understanding of the world, I look good enough to be complimented on it, I am a romantic, I have larger then life ideals, I have a unique intelligence, I am kind, an amazing lover... the list goes on. Yet none of these things matter to me, or anyone else. If I dont fit into the social construct then I don't matter. It kills me. I feel like the last of my energy has been used. I feel like theres no point in trying. No one understands me. It hurts to see such a strong person fall into nothingness. I have no friends, no job, no life and the tiny box I live in is getting smaller and smaller everyday. I hate being this way. I don't now how to cope. I feel completely alone....
 
L

Lccska

Well-known member
You sound as if you have an element of Depression too. That and social phobia darken your opinion of yourself and the world. I think you may be surprised about what at least some of your family is saying about you. I imagine they are voicing concern, talk about you seeming better or worse, hope you are getting help, etc. Because of depression and social phobia you think they are making unkind remarks, when they may be only expressing concern. You have so much to offer the world. I hope to seek treatment so you can show the world who you really are.
 
Prestonator

Prestonator

Well-known member
You have said that you are none of those things that your social phobia causes you to be. So why don't you try seperating yourself from your social phobia, thinking of it as a piece of elastic string that you can pull away from yourself with the right help, i.e therapy. I think if you know that the way you are now, isn't the real you deep down then it will be possible to try to recover from this. It was the same for me, I felt like the SP was controlling me and what I did, but then I started thinking of it as something which has just latched itself onto the outside of my being, hiding away the real me. In the recovery, you learn to pull it away from your being until eventually, the string it is on will snap and you no longer will be affected by it. It takes time though, don't expect it to happen overnight.

Have you talked to anyone about it? Because talking often helps, especially to a professional (it did for me anyway).

Just have hope, and self belief. If you don't have those, you will find it very hard to get over this. Positive thinking goes a long way!
 
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