Losing A Good Friend

[Claireabell]

I need some advice

I met someone online a while ago and we became good friends. He also had SA although mild compared to myself. He is not from this site. He opened up and told me that he self harmed, suffered bad depression and drank rather a lot of Vodka until the point of passing out most nights. He was a lovely person, had a lot happen in his later years which was ongoing. I cared very much for him and loved our chats on MSN, it was heading towards us meeting up although we lived about a 2 hour drive away from each other. I started to open up to him which I don't find easy. I even question myself about scaring him off but I know that is not true. He then started to dissapear for days on end and I was so worried that he had OD because of how bad his depression was or because of his self harming. I tried to find out all that I could about this resulting in being there for him when he needed someone was the best thing I could do.

In the end he disappeared for a week, I found out that the self harming had gotten way out of control, he even carved his name on himself, his drinking was out of control, I felt he had reached breaking point. To cut a long story short I sent him an email saying that I could no longer deal with the pain that I was feeling. I felt so F@@@ing useless, it was hard seeing his pain and not being able to reach out to help him. I wasn't bitter, far from it. I will be there for anyone, always said no matter what and now I feel so bad because of what I have done.

I feel such a terrible person for what I did, I'm crying as I type this because I feel so down at the moment. I am not a bad person please don't think that I am, I am such a caring person in life.

Would you have done the same thing? How would you of dealt with this?
I have his mobile and home number and want to ring but god knows what will happened it I am told where to go. I just need to get this off my chest.

 

[sensitive]

i agree with thoughtless however try to call him first. meeting him shouldn't be the first step. it's ok honey, please don't cry. you are really a caring, compassionate person.

 

[paul]

Claireabell - we can tell that you're not a bad person because you feel so bad about it! I think that a lot of the time we feel really guilty when somebody we really like is harming themselves.
But you shouldn't feel guilty. As you said, the letter wasn't bitter at all - I don't know exactly what you said, but if I were in his place I would feel happy that you actually care to take the time to write a letter saying how you're worried about him and will always be there for him.
I agree that you should call him - as thoughtless said, it's better to do it now than regret not doing it later.

 

[Claireabell]

I have sent an email asking to talk to him on to msn at 7.00 p.m. tonight.

I am not in a position to travel down there. I am having a drink for dutch courage, talk about nervous.

I keep telling myself that if he doesn't come through at least I have tried to talk to him.

Thank you for the messages of support, it means a lot to me.

Claire

 

[Claireabell]

He Came Through on MSN

He came through on msn at 11.00pm last night. I had given up hope and was actually chatting to someone else. As soon as he popped up I wanted to be sick bacause I didn't know what was going to be said. It was a bit strained at first but he did say that he was so sorry. He didn't think I thought of him quite as much as I did, he thought I was just being sort of kind. We have decided to talk on the phone which makes me so nervous inside but it has to be done. I think it will be easier now to say some things that maybe before I would of held back. Only time will tell but I am so glad he is back and told him so last night. At least I want have any regrets now.

Thanks for your help

Claire

 

[paul]

Hey, that is great!