You know, I was the same way. I have spent the last 6 years basically hanging around with one friend off and on, and staying home doing nothing, going nuts by myself. Guys, it's been like this for a long time for me. I've been in situations where I've ALMOST RUN OFF from a conversation, in the middle of the conversation because I just couldn't take the stress. All they can see is that the person is extremely nervous, all i see is that i feel like i'm losing my mind.
THIS WAS MY WINTER BREAK FROM COLLEGE:
Everyday for 30 days I'd wake up in the morning, from dreams that were weird and depressing, possibly someone rejected me in my dream ( like my ex), i get out of bed, my quiet thoughts tell me "ok..another day...another day of NOTHING".."I HATE MY LIFE" "ISN"T THERE MORE THAN THIS?" " I"M LONELY!!!!" "I"M GOING CRAZY!" " I"M NOT SUPPOSED TO LIVE MY LIFE LIKE THIS!"" I"M SUCH A LOSER" "LOOK AT ME I HAVE NO FRIENDS< OTHER PEOPLE WOULD"VE DONE SOMETHING COOL FOR THEIR BREAK"...and I would have no energy to do anything, no will to do anything, just mope around and keep thinking how doomed my life is, what i loser i was...then I eat lunch...still in my pajamas and play Counter Strike (online first person shooter game) with all these other negative people and everytime i would lose at the game I would get pissed and want to crawl through the monitor and choke the little asshole that killed me. Then after wasting all that time doing nothing but playing a game and still in my pj's thinking negative thoughts, MY NERVES were just humming through my body. I felt nervous and shamed. I lived with my sister and she would come into my room and say "uhh...are you gonna leave this room?, Cmon Jess, come out to the livingroom and visit". and my voice would shake and I would feel really nervous even thoguht it was only my sister and I would say "uh, I'm ok...but thanks". and continue playing, until i got too tired to play and then i would read a little and go to sleep, and the SAME day would repeat itself the next day.
NOT ANYMORE. I QUIT THAT LIFESTYLE. I AM DONE WITH SOCIAL PHOBIA. I REALIZE THAT I CAN FEEL THAT SOCIAL PHOBIA WHENEEEEEVER I WANT TO. I'M DONE WITH BEING A VICTIM WHO"S WONDERING WHEN SOMEONE IS GOING TO COME SAVE HER. NO ONE IS COMING FOR ME.
So I have to take control. I have to figure this out. I have to beat this. And I have.
I wrote a post called MY STORY here, it's long, but it tells..well my story!
I've beaten this "disorder"
I had a GREAT day at work today. I'm not on any medications and I was able to train succesfully along with my other coworkers and even spoke a script with a coworker without freaking out and losing it.
This is humongous for me. I'm really tired right now and I have to get to bed for work tomorrow, but i have so much to say.
I feel like crying like God has touched me. I have found the way OUT of this dark place that I"ve been in for SO LONG.
And I want to share it all with you.
Because I feel your pain..not to sound too cliche..but I have a big heart and I want to help everyone I can. If I can beat it, you can.
YOU CAN"T GIVE UP
I'll write more tomorrow.
I'm a girl and I do have a girlfriend, but she's all the way in Brazil and I did this all on my own. But definitely the support from her love has helped me through this.
Finding a person that you work well with and that loves you unconditionally gives you a lot of strength.
But anyway, I'll write more later.
Take care
