Life Story

[Patrick26]

Since i'm feeling depressed right now, figure i'll give out my life story here on why i'm here, on why i'm depressed, etc, etc.

Back when i was a small baby my mother came to my babysitters house all drunk and picked me up, dropped me down a flight of stairs, and that is why i presume i'm slow in the head, because i'm the only one in the family who's ****ed with all these problems. Anyway later on i presume when things got too heated for her she ran off for 10 years of my life with no warning or anything untill year 8 of 10. I used to play Tball and soccer when i was smaller but i sucked SO BAD at both. I could not catch in tball or swing at the ball, i'd twirl in circles. In soccer once i had the ball i was so excited i'd just run towards my own goal and score on our own team because i was happy to have the ball, and i celebrated with the other team. Hell in grade 4 i was in the newspaper for being unable to ice skate...my feet were all bend and i was using the bar to keep myself up.

I went to elementary school and i was REALLY well known and hung around the popular guys (not girls) and played bball with them and hung with them outside of school, and everyone knew me, including people i did not know. Before i left elementary for no reason i guess, or atleast i have no idea why but i was mad at my best friend and would run away from them....we were never friends anymore and as i entered high school i was a joke to everyone, got bullied, etc. But the bully thing was my fault...i always asked for it and when he did nothing i was antagonizing him. All my friends i had in elementary school went their seperate ways with me, but just me. I guess since it's high school now i am a joke to them or something. Anyway i always went home after school and sat infront of the TV untill i went to bed...i was a loner and i didn't give a rats ass about anything, even my hygiene so it was pretty much my fault, but i didn't care (though now i do obviously....i shower 10 or more times a week, underarm, aftershave, etc etc). Anyway high school was rough, but it was my fault as i said...oh yeah and my mother decided to come back before high school btw...i'll save that for next paragraph.

So here we are....next paragraph! anyway mom arrived back...first sending letters and then moving back here. She dated men who always beat her, she came back and still dated them. Once when we were little babies she sold my sister for a pack of cigs...no joke! anyway my sister started acting up and got into police trouble all the time, i even had to go to child services and go into that mess. I once saw my dad hit my sister but she had it coming with all the trouble she caused...she caused A LOTTTTTTT!!!!!! we used to mess with the Ouija Board and i'd always be the one suffering from it. Once she got older she eventually ran away and lived with my uncle and aunt....short lived, they wanted to murder her. She lived with my mom and my mom locked all the cupboards and fridge and locked windows and doors and made her starve, we had to drag my sister out of there. She also made some bad enemys from gangs she joined and ran off to Alberta where she lives now and is engaged and i guess has no more problems. We rarely talk, and if we do it's for birthdays only on facebook. But she's having her life now.

My dad was a bus driver but is retired now...raised 2 kids on his own had to stay for overtime all the time to pay the bills as a single dad. I still live with him but i'm trying my best to leave...for some reason i'm always even now telling him things i wanna do so i can make him tell me i'm dumb for doing it...i'm 26 and i still wanna go by what he says and i have no idea why...i guess i'm just a dumbass or something. :/ I havn't lived MY life, but if i move out he will be sad being alone i bet....but if i stay much longer i know deep inside i'm going to buy a gun and end it all. I've always been told i'm not good enough, i'm too dumb, i have no future, everything bad pretty much...i've accepted it and still do to this day.

During school i had a MAJOR learning dissability...i pretty much flunked everything but i never did homework or gave a **** about it. My house got broken into which lead me to the best thing that ever happened to me...my dog who lived 13 and a half years with me (15 and a half total). The vets were all shocked how happy she was and calm for a 15 year old...she died 6 years ago in my basement. I have been trying to kill myself since i was like 18...i don't now but sometimes i just want to because it's alot easier then facing the rest of my life and the challenge of trying to get everything back together. My old babysitter i used to have...in a span of 10 years i knew 25 deaths...yes 25! i've known 36 total....

Growing up i never had a social life...more like a reject life. I grew up around guys so talking to guys is pretty damn easy. Girls? what's that? Still a virgin although when i was 16 i roleplayed with a girl playing santa clause. My work life? i talk alot, probably the most or near it. Outside of work? yeah...nothing. Friends? since elementary school when i had like 5 or 6, i've had 1 and that is from my work i am at now. Well i had 1 at my old job, but we never hung out outside of work, so it's not a friend but when he moved he showed me the HOT GIRLS he was friends with, taking their tops off via webcam. Said we would hang out when he came to visit, planned for a whole year...he came and didn't see me, just kept saying "he will soon". Deleted him from MSN and havn't talked to him since...this was like 8 years ago. There is 1 guy at my wok i hangout with but once in a while...we are planning on moving into an apartment together after work...we are like brothers but he has a social life and knows everyone...even his ex girlfriends parents are waving at him still...not just 1 of his ex's either.

It's hard to work on your life but i've been going to the gym for 3 months. I have NO MOTIVATION! 99% of the time. I wanna learn something and then a few days later it's 2 hard so i give up. I like taking the easy route because i don't have to work. Sometimes i am not sure if i don't work on things because i either don't want to or i gave up caring about life a long time ago. There is still so much i wanna do..but it's too hard (rofl great excuse, i know). I've known these online posters for almost 10 years...they know me and know i'm pretty much a loser because i am....because when life hits you down you are supposed to get back up, not stay down and pout about this and that which is what i do. I don't like excuses but i live them up because i'm a hypocrite. I wanna change my life, get out of my rut...i've stopped playing games most of the time so i can do that but i just sit on my ass wanting it and surfing the net more to take the time off gaming to do that. I havn't been changing nothing....maybe working out, yes. I want to get muscle and look good being all fit but i keep eating what my dad buys at the store and tells me it's good for me even when i tell him it's not. He's like 400 pounds btw. He knows i'm trying to lose weight but keeps giving me this crap but it's my fault...i just roll over because that's what i'm good at.

I still live at home, don't have bills or pay rent...my dad pays my phone for me so since i have money i try helping as many people as i can. One of the guys at my work was going through child services and was not eating...i can't really help him with much but i can help him eat, so i was buying extra food and made him eat. One of the hotties at my work was working for like 8 hours without a break, so i gave her one of my cereal bars i buy so she has something to eat. This one is dumb but one of the guys has a baby and no money so i pay him 50 bucks sometimes for help with the bills or some weed, he pays me back when he gets his next pay checque(sp?). The one i gave cereal bar to, she's told me when her day is tough i always make her smile....i help out many more aswell as best as i can. I even donate 500 bucks to charity every year the last 6 years, not that i'm looking for a reward...i never get satisfaction helping someone like i did it to make myself better, i just do it because it must be done. Although sometimes i do it for my own selfishness....but never get rewarded. But w/e you don't need a reward for doing something, you just need to do it because it must be done because the world will be a much better place if people helped eachother.

There is still much more but you get it. If you don't wanna read it it's fine, it is long afterall and i hate reading TL : DR (Too Long Didn't Read).

 

[upndwn]

Sounds like you've had a really tough life bro' Just hang in there, remember no matter how dark it seems there's always hope. Hold onto whatever is good in your life and keeps you occupied. And for God's sake seek professional help. Suicide is not the way to go.

Anyway here's mine if anyone cares to read:

I have suffered from social anxiety, depression and dissociative disorder for as long as I can remember. Although my problems have been mitigated through years of therapy and medicinal treatment I still have bouts of terrible depression and suffer from severe insomnia. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder four years ago and the condition was verified by three different psychiatrists. Due to the constant danger of suicide in people with bipolar disorder my doctor is really reluctant to proscribe sleeping pills so the insomnia has become something I have to live with.

I lived in constant fear for many years. My problems started to emerge when I was very young, maybe six or seven years old. I was always very shy when I was young and felt intimidated by everyone around me. I started school when I was six so everyone else was a year older than me, this and the fact that I was very short and small for my age throughout my childhood and adolescence caused me to develop a severe inferiority complex. Throughout my puberty and adolescence I removed myself from everyone else.

As I grew older I realized that most of my family suffered from alcohol and/or drug abuse. My parents got divorced when I was eight mostly due to my dads addictions. I lived with my mother and sister for most of my upbringing, constantly dealing with my mothers violent mood swings and erratic behavior. My mother would get into one bad relationship after an other, and it seemed like when I first started to bond with one of her many boyfriends they would break up and I would get a lecture in what kind of a horrible person her new ex was.

She finally settled with a guy when I was about twelve, they got engaged a year after that, but two years later their relationship ended and that's when my mom started drinking heavily. She would leave me and my sister for days at a time, never bothering to give us money for food or clothes. We were forced to beg for food from our friends parents. After a while child services took notice, but at that time I was seventeen and almost an adult so they didn't bother with me. My sister, however, was sent to live with my aunt and my mother blamed everything on me. Later that year I joined the army a year before the mandatory drafting. (mandatory for all males in Norway)
After that I hardly has had any contact with my mother.

During my upbringing I got to visit my father every other week and I truly lead a double life. With my mom i hardly had any friends and mostly kept for myself, but with my dad I had many friends and was mostly happy as long as my dad managed to stay relatively sober. I guess this was when my bipolar disorder started to kick in. My depression would mostly manifest when I was with my mother, while my maniacal periods would be when I visited my father.

My six months in the military was a grueling affair, I had no real friends their and I could just as well have been in prison. To make matters worse I was sent to the most desolate camp as far North as you get in Norway, where the winters are cast in months long periods of darkness. Somehow i managed to get through that experience and when looking back at those months I guess they were a big help in developing an identity for myself.

After my service i went to live with my father who at this point had stayed sober for nearly two years after he had suffered a mild heart attack due to his years of abuse. All seemed to go well for I while, I hooked up with my teenage sweetheart and the relationship seemed to start to get serious. Then I found out she had been cheating on me with another guy and at the same time my dad suddenly started drinking again. Just like that my life was plunged into darkness and I withdrew into a state of deep depression and despair. Then my grandfather suddenly decided to move in with me and my dad. He was a violent drunk with bipolar and obsessive compulsion disorder. My life turned into a nightmare of violent outbursts and physical abuse. Having had enough I decided to get help and contacted social services. They helped me get my own apartment and a job at a print-shop.
This was about the time I went to see my first psychiatrist.

My job at the print-shop only lasted about a year. My insomnia and phobia caused me to miss several workdays and I often came late. One day I just choose to not go anymore. I withdrew into myself and my phobias became worse than ever. I lived on welfare for four years only leaving my apartment to go to the shop or when I was drunk. After four years I suddenly got behind on my rent and eventually I was kicked out. I lived with friends for a while, but eventually I was without a home and my only option was to move back with my father who's drug use had gotten totally out of control. His apartment now resembled a crack house and all kinds of addicts and criminals camped their. Luckily I had my own room but the constant fights and drunken bouts kept me awake and made me paranoid and I started to hallucinate and hear voices.

I finally got out of their after a couple of years, moving in with a couple of friends. I lived there for a couple of years, meanwhile my grandfather had finally gotten his own apartment when his health took a turn for the worse. My father moved in with him to care for him, while his apartment was used as a safe-house for addicts and criminals. My grandfather died a year after that when he slipped on the bathroom floor and broke his hip. My dad moved back into his old apartment with his drug-addled "friends".

Meanwhile I started training to become a chef working my way up from a small cantina to becoming manager of a cafeteria. Working with people on a daily basis for three years almost cured me of my social anxiety and gave me great self-confidence. But my dads health was deteriorating as he got a second heart attack so I decided to move in with him after a lot of pressure from the local health services. My life became even more nightmarish than ever after this with stabbings, threats, overdoses and beatings occurring regularly in my presence. I became a nervous wreck and had to quit my education. At the same time my medicine stopped working for me. After one and a half years of living in this hell I finally managed to get out of it and moved in with my sister and her boyfriend, but my bipolar disorder was worse than ever.

My sister and her boyfriend got engaged and moved into a new apartment. Once again I was left homeless and had to find a place to live temporarily. I had no choice but to move back with my father since I couldn't afford my own apartment and the waiting list for a social apartment was several months. Luckily this hellish stay was short, although it really inflamed my bipolar disorder. My sister broke up with her fiancee after a few months and we got a place together. Eventually I managed to try my hand at continuing my education, but after a couple of years my disorder got really bad so I had to put it on hold. Although my sister has long since moved out and is now happily married, I still live in that apartment with two of my friends. I still struggle daily with my mood swings but I have finally found some drugs that works and at least mitigate the disorder somehow. I plan to get back to working in the fall, I just hope the drugs can keep me sane and balanced.

Anyway that's my life's story in a nutshell.

(PS! Sorry for the wall of text)

 

[Inferiorpotter]

Sounds like you've had a really tough life bro' Just hang in there, remember no matter how dark it seems there's always hope. Hold onto whatever is good in your life and keeps you occupied. And for God's sake seek professional help. Suicide is not the way to go.

Anyway here's mine if anyone cares to read:

I have suffered from social anxiety, depression and dissociative disorder for as long as I can remember. Although my problems have been mitigated through years of therapy and medicinal treatment I still have bouts of terrible depression and suffer from severe insomnia. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder four years ago and the condition was verified by three different psychiatrists. Due to the constant danger of suicide in people with bipolar disorder my doctor is really reluctant to proscribe sleeping pills so the insomnia has become something I have to live with.

I lived in constant fear for many years. My problems started to emerge when I was very young, maybe six or seven years old. I was always very shy when I was young and felt intimidated by everyone around me. I started school when I was six so everyone else was a year older than me, this and the fact that I was very short and small for my age throughout my childhood and adolescence caused me to develop a severe inferiority complex. Throughout my puberty and adolescence I removed myself from everyone else.

As I grew older I realized that most of my family suffered from alcohol and/or drug abuse. My parents got divorced when I was eight mostly due to my dads addictions. I lived with my mother and sister for most of my upbringing, constantly dealing with my mothers violent mood swings and erratic behavior. My mother would get into one bad relationship after an other, and it seemed like when I first started to bond with one of her many boyfriends they would break up and I would get a lecture in what kind of a horrible person her new ex was.

She finally settled with a guy when I was about twelve, they got engaged a year after that, but two years later their relationship ended and that's when my mom started drinking heavily. She would leave me and my sister for days at a time, never bothering to give us money for food or clothes. We were forced to beg for food from our friends parents. After a while child services took notice, but at that time I was seventeen and almost an adult so they didn't bother with me. My sister, however, was sent to live with my aunt and my mother blamed everything on me. Later that year I joined the army a year before the mandatory drafting. (mandatory for all males in Norway)
After that I hardly has had any contact with my mother.

During my upbringing I got to visit my father every other week and I truly lead a double life. With my mom i hardly had any friends and mostly kept for myself, but with my dad I had many friends and was mostly happy as long as my dad managed to stay relatively sober. I guess this was when my bipolar disorder started to kick in. My depression would mostly manifest when I was with my mother, while my maniacal periods would be when I visited my father.

My six months in the military was a grueling affair, I had no real friends their and I could just as well have been in prison. To make matters worse I was sent to the most desolate camp as far North as you get in Norway, where the winters are cast in months long periods of darkness. Somehow i managed to get through that experience and when looking back at those months I guess they were a big help in developing an identity for myself.

After my service i went to live with my father who at this point had stayed sober for nearly two years after he had suffered a mild heart attack due to his years of abuse. All seemed to go well for I while, I hooked up with my teenage sweetheart and the relationship seemed to start to get serious. Then I found out she had been cheating on me with another guy and at the same time my dad suddenly started drinking again. Just like that my life was plunged into darkness and I withdrew into a state of deep depression and despair. Then my grandfather suddenly decided to move in with me and my dad. He was a violent drunk with bipolar and obsessive compulsion disorder. My life turned into a nightmare of violent outbursts and physical abuse. Having had enough I decided to get help and contacted social services. They helped me get my own apartment and a job at a print-shop.
This was about the time I went to see my first psychiatrist.

My job at the print-shop only lasted about a year. My insomnia and phobia caused me to miss several workdays and I often came late. One day I just choose to not go anymore. I withdrew into myself and my phobias became worse than ever. I lived on welfare for four years only leaving my apartment to go to the shop or when I was drunk. After four years I suddenly got behind on my rent and eventually I was kicked out. I lived with friends for a while, but eventually I was without a home and my only option was to move back with my father who's drug use had gotten totally out of control. His apartment now resembled a crack house and all kinds of addicts and criminals camped their. Luckily I had my own room but the constant fights and drunken bouts kept me awake and made me paranoid and I started to hallucinate and hear voices.

I finally got out of their after a couple of years, moving in with a couple of friends. I lived there for a couple of years, meanwhile my grandfather had finally gotten his own apartment when his health took a turn for the worse. My father moved in with him to care for him, while his apartment was used as a safe-house for addicts and criminals. My grandfather died a year after that when he slipped on the bathroom floor and broke his hip. My dad moved back into his old apartment with his drug-addled "friends".

Meanwhile I started training to become a chef working my way up from a small cantina to becoming manager of a cafeteria. Working with people on a daily basis for three years almost cured me of my social anxiety and gave me great self-confidence. But my dads health was deteriorating as he got a second heart attack so I decided to move in with him after a lot of pressure from the local health services. My life became even more nightmarish than ever after this with stabbings, threats, overdoses and beatings occurring regularly in my presence. I became a nervous wreck and had to quit my education. At the same time my medicine stopped working for me. After one and a half years of living in this hell I finally managed to get out of it and moved in with my sister and her boyfriend, but my bipolar disorder was worse than ever.

My sister and her boyfriend got engaged and moved into a new apartment. Once again I was left homeless and had to find a place to live temporarily. I had no choice but to move back with my father since I couldn't afford my own apartment and the waiting list for a social apartment was several months. Luckily this hellish stay was short, although it really inflamed my bipolar disorder. My sister broke up with her fiancee after a few months and we got a place together. Eventually I managed to try my hand at continuing my education, but after a couple of years my disorder got really bad so I had to put it on hold. Although my sister has long since moved out and is now happily married, I still live in that apartment with two of my friends. I still struggle daily with my mood swings but I have finally found some drugs that works and at least mitigate the disorder somehow. I plan to get back to working in the fall, I just hope the drugs can keep me sane and balanced.

Anyway that's my life's story in a nutshell.

(PS! Sorry for the wall of text)

Wow man thank you for the emotional story of your life. I mean talking about Co-dependency. I too am going through co-dependency problem. ANyway, we share many common problems but most importantly, the fact that you have GREAT fear in life and inferiority complex makes me Nodd my head. Just to make you feel better, I am 32 years old and I never managed myself to move out. At least you tried to move out and lived on your own. I could never do that because of Fear of Failure. Just this GREAT fear in general stops me from achieving. And I think this inferiority complex does contribute lots of fear to this already feared fear. HAH! I'm sorry you had to go through all those troubles. Governments should stop making ****ing NUKEs and start spending more money on psychological well-being programs.