All my life i studied hard , everybody said "go get good grades you will get a good life ahead ," and i did what they said . Life wasn't that bad at that time, i was living with my parents . i was a shy guy but cheerful and happy , girls in my class liked me may be because i was good at studies and a positive guy or maybe shyness. I got admission in one of the finest college in my country, it was like a dream come true,when i entered college the hell was unleashed at me , a new place ,no parents , no friends . I made friends but it was so difficult to keep friendship , i wasn't able to make eye contact with anyone and my
thoughts were turning to demon and my way of talking changed ,rudeness in my voice , and i walked like zombie ,everyday at college was a battle , a torture . I wasn't able to concentrate to for a second in the class .the kid with higher aims was lost because now all my energy was diverted to keep me normal , all my aims , hopes , dreams were faded in my social anxiety. i was so weird at college i stopped talking to girls , there was a whom i liked so much i never talked to her because i knew i couldn't keep up with relationship . I behaved weirdly and i stopped contacting my old friends .I stopped going to parties and didn't attend my cousin's . I didn't want to talk to my mom , she cared about me so much, i cried sometimes thinking about her she was so good to me and i hadn't a heart to talk to her . I failed in exams , i started smoking ,i thought marijuana could help me relieve my social anxiety i bought it from a dealer and soon i realised it couldn't help me , and i stopped smoking it , i joined gym i bulked up little bit but my social anxiety was still there even going to gym and face so many people was so painful ,i quit the gym.
studying for exams was so hard so painful my brain was like as if something constantly pinching it .
then i thought of consulting a psychiatrist , gave me medicine , i took them for a month , i quit them because i had my first panic attack the day i forgot to take . I didn't go to psychiatrist again . somehow i passed all the exams , all of my class and friends got placed in reputed companies with good salary packages but i wasn't . how much i was changed from a Bright , ambitious , positive guy to pathetic
sick loser. I struggled for 3 months and landed a good job not better than my friends . At least i got a job .Now i am ****ing dying everyday , every single day, no friends from last four months all the employees have girlfriends, i hate them so much i just feel like to cut their throats , i feel so sick all the time . Everyday i woke up i feel so sad and full of regrets. Whenever i have a dream of my childhood "playing with my brother or mother chasing me to put a bite of food in my mouth". I get extremely sad ,and feel so much emptiness this world feels smaller cant find a place to run and tears comes in my eyes .I know i will die alone but regret is my parents will never know how much i love them , how much i want to live this life but i can't. what i could have become but what i have become .
thoughts were turning to demon and my way of talking changed ,rudeness in my voice , and i walked like zombie ,everyday at college was a battle , a torture . I wasn't able to concentrate to for a second in the class .the kid with higher aims was lost because now all my energy was diverted to keep me normal , all my aims , hopes , dreams were faded in my social anxiety. i was so weird at college i stopped talking to girls , there was a whom i liked so much i never talked to her because i knew i couldn't keep up with relationship . I behaved weirdly and i stopped contacting my old friends .I stopped going to parties and didn't attend my cousin's . I didn't want to talk to my mom , she cared about me so much, i cried sometimes thinking about her she was so good to me and i hadn't a heart to talk to her . I failed in exams , i started smoking ,i thought marijuana could help me relieve my social anxiety i bought it from a dealer and soon i realised it couldn't help me , and i stopped smoking it , i joined gym i bulked up little bit but my social anxiety was still there even going to gym and face so many people was so painful ,i quit the gym.
studying for exams was so hard so painful my brain was like as if something constantly pinching it .
then i thought of consulting a psychiatrist , gave me medicine , i took them for a month , i quit them because i had my first panic attack the day i forgot to take . I didn't go to psychiatrist again . somehow i passed all the exams , all of my class and friends got placed in reputed companies with good salary packages but i wasn't . how much i was changed from a Bright , ambitious , positive guy to pathetic
sick loser. I struggled for 3 months and landed a good job not better than my friends . At least i got a job .Now i am ****ing dying everyday , every single day, no friends from last four months all the employees have girlfriends, i hate them so much i just feel like to cut their throats , i feel so sick all the time . Everyday i woke up i feel so sad and full of regrets. Whenever i have a dream of my childhood "playing with my brother or mother chasing me to put a bite of food in my mouth". I get extremely sad ,and feel so much emptiness this world feels smaller cant find a place to run and tears comes in my eyes .I know i will die alone but regret is my parents will never know how much i love them , how much i want to live this life but i can't. what i could have become but what i have become .
