Life is running away and leaving me behind~

[Reiji Moritsugu]

Warning: Very long post, also known as "wall - o - text" ahead!

I´m not sure if this is the correct forum, as many times symptoms from stuff ranging from shyness to depression to social anxiety tend to overlap, but after having read a lot about this and other subjects I think APD´s symptoms fit me perfectly...again, sorry if this is not the correct place to post anyways, I´m 22, male, and live in Chile - so english is not my native language, please excuse me if I make a mistake somewhere - now to the point:

I [censored] hate my situation, myself, the world for the most part...etc. I have always known that I am different; didn´t give a damn about sports, cars or anything else that all other kids were crazy about. And this has been a trend that has continued until now; don´t care about stuff like football, hate facebook with a passion, and as far as I am concerned, celebrities can drown themselves a thousand times. At the beginning I thought it was the cause of me avoiding human contact as much as possible; but later on realized that I can´t even interact successfully with people who share my same interests [anime, manga, stuff like that] what happens, you might ask?

Well...I just cannot, and probably couldn´t if my life depended on it, initiate and/or keep conversations with pretty much anyone. That´s the gist of it; I just cannot connect with others no matter how much I try. I usually stand there as if I were frozen after the mandatory greetings, the uncomfortable silence comes in, and the other person just gets bored and goes away. Friends? that is not even a word that is in my dictionary anymore, as pretty much everyone [save for my mother] who has ever been nice to me, has acted in such way just because of second intentions, leaving me after I was no longer useful for them. Such events led to me becoming wary and untrusting of people, to such degree that it could probably be considered as paranoia. Seriously, whenever someone acts nice towards me the first thought I have is something along the lines of "Yeah right, you are lying just like everyone else" or "You are just doing this because you want to be polite/need something from me, or both"

Since almost every person I ever thought cared a bit about me ended up abandoning me, I have found myself making less and less of an effort to try and connect with others. My general line of thought has been "Why even bother? they are going to abandon me anyway." and therefore I pretty much avoid social situations and gatherings unless it is completely unavoidable, and even then I spend most of the time trying to hide the best I can, and waiting for the time to go in what seems like a torture. It also goes without saying that I avoid trying new stuff ._. a total lack of initiation would be a better way to phrase it I guess. I know that I´m going to fail anyway; my social skills? zero; athletic skills? ditto; intellectual skills? see number 1 and 2; the list goes on and on...I´m beginning to think I got all the defective genes, or that something is just wrong with my brain. Not even animals seem to like me, as far as I know. It´s as if the rest of the world were blue - colored, with me being a red - colored outcast.

Not only I do hate this, but I´m also afraid of thoughts such that I just will never be able to belong in this world, or fit in anywhere. There is also the fact that next year I will have to start working for real, and it will be either interacting with people, or sending my life to hell...I don´t want to be 30 - something and still live with my parents, afraid of going out and without having accomplished anything worthwhile [this being the reason I left MMORPGS for good] so this is THE year.

But I don´t know what to do...I just feel so powerless; and whenever I try to do something against it, negative thoughts devour my mind as if they were shadows waiting for the right moment to strike. And I just go back to my old ways.

Ok, time to stop for now. I just realized that I could go on and on, but this is supposed to be a post and I´ve just turned it into the bible lol. Sorry, I´ve always been really bad at summarizing stuff =(

See you around, I hope

 

[JA2007]

Welcome! This is definitely the right forum for what you are describing. I think everyone here feels that way or has felt everything that you do at one point. I also hate Facebook and Myspace. I don't even have a Facebook account. I think its superficial and only benefits those with narcissistic qualities. I can relate too about not wanting to approach people and start conversations. I avoid talking to new people a lot and people probably think I'm snobby. I also can't be friends with just anybody. I tend to gravitate towards others who are like me and also don't have a social life. SP and AvPD have caused me to miss out on so many things. Most of us here are incredibly smart and cool but are just afraid to put ourselves out there. You seem pretty smart too, the way you write and describe yourself. You should give yourself more credit.

 

[Lemans]

I think I also have APD, as i don't relly like to get in contact with people. I mean, with Internet and all the modern technologies, you can have a plum good time by yourself. I have a job, but the rest of my life I spend between sleeping and surfing the net. I go to a lot of different Internet forums and discuss about my hobbies with people from around the world, it helps me not to feel so alone and I don't have to be facing the persons, which would make me uncomfortable. I think that I don't have any friend in this world, only a few acquantainces at my job, that's all. All in all, it's not such a badd life, once you get used to it. I used to be a very good student, with some friends until the age of 13 or 14, then everything seemed to go very bad, had a lot of bad times but it seems that I've adjusted and I can say that I'm moderately happy. Yes, you can be happy without friends, if you tell yourself so and believe it. Also I don't think that animals hate you, maybe if you got yourself a pet it could help.

 

[dzerklis]

i loved the Chile mission in Hitman Blood Money for the beauty of nature.

 

[BlueCon]

Hey man,

Dude, this is great. Not your situation, but that someone else knows how it goes. I have been trying to out think my brain for years to put a nice little label on my problems that have included morbid depression, the severest of anxiety, and even a need to get out of myself and the world - even in the event of an encounter with a coworker or patron at my retail jobs - so bad that that my body turns ice cold from the stress..and the little bullets that list off the symptoms under "Avoidant personaluty Disorder" all give a little sting when I read it because of the instant recognition of "damn, that's EXACTLT how I am" you know?

I'm paralyzed with it. I have even spent the last 3 minutes rereading and fixing my first paragraph just to make sure I don't sound like a dumb ass in print. And i don't know any of you and probably never will! This is your point though, you know it's irrational, but you can't stop it. I always thought I could outthinkmy brain and figure out how to beat it, but I can't seem to whenever clutch time comes and I'm in a social situation. I know you know how that goes.

Left to our selves, and devoid of the social lives that we want and need at a biological level - even though rational thought has determined that social interactions are ultimately superficial, a vessel on the undercurrent that is human animals "drives" you might say, that always revolve around inherent power or mating needs, and thus is always selfish. Wow, that voids the concept of altruism doesn't it? Anyways back to the original thought - our brains have become the most rational and excel at the things we do becuase of our lack of social life. we are unplugged. My dad thinks I have Aspergers, but I don't flatter myself...my problems are likely environmental and even though I haven't had an IQ test, I suspect my gifts were acquired through practice and practice. I have information, but I don't process it like a savant believe me, I don't even remember what I just said in the last sentence I shit you not....

My dad said it well. We absolutely have zero skills in small talk. We just cant carry a light and friendly converstation with people. It comes back to fears of being inadequate. We can't stand the sight and though of ourselves, and so when we interact with people, we imagine that this must be so blatantly obvious to THEM too that we just can't stant to be in the moment, and hence the awkwardness and torture of the situation occurs. WHy do you hate yourself so much? I know why you resent people when they are nice: You imagine that if they are being nice to you, it has to be because they are being sly or trying to use you, and even if they aren't, if they can't see how obvious it is you are a failure and a waste of space and cellular life and suck at being human in general, then they are stupid themselves and you don't want to have any part with them.

That is rough shit man, howd we get so ****ed up?

I know why I hate myself. I build on my past failures to beat myself and figure out EVERYTHING. My anxiety and depression have already wreaked havoc on my twenty year old body. I'm apparently really good looking but I don't see it. I'm convinced I come off as slow and autistic. I hate my voice. I have stressed my once thick hair away and have the hairline of a 50 year old. Years of straining to lookaway even as I look at people have destoryed my vision....

I also am cold and morbid. I have no religious hopes to cling to. I'm walk the line of atheism and being agnostic. I hate the fact I had to have my one little experience in the universe from behind the eyes of a disgusting human animal. Of all the cool things going on in the Universe, I had to be a meatbag bacterium crawling on the surface of Earth. Stuck with this limited mind. I will never know what true reality is, to be able to think beyond the abstract, and it makes my life and everything seem pointless, even though I love nature and the mathematical beauty that daily life is. I can't reconcile this hatred and fascination, and I think it makes my social probelms worse. I go deeper and deeper within, lost in thought and annoyed by real life. You know.

It's perpetual man. It's a nonstop cycle and in our brains, it's on loop. I just think that, if I'm this damaged at 21, what'll happen when I'm 30?

I;m trying to get mnyself in the repair shop metaphorically of course, just like you and probably most people here.

We can't outthink it man. We just need to figure it out. Knowing you aren't the only sane insane person around here is already half the battle one. Nice to meet you sir. You wrote your bible. I got the Koran here for you.

 

[Andrew the hopeless]

I am crying. for the first time in 34 years I can relate to someone.
Thank you
The solution to our problem is cognitive, we need to be brainwashed of our programming.
I am so afraid of you right now, that you are somehow judging me, and this text....this feeling is so strong I have to end this post right now.
AF

 

[tmd404]

I think I know how you feel. I used to have a good job and what seemed like a good life. I have always been the kind of person who avoided social contact on a large and small scale. I had a small breakdown when my kids were young. I caught mono and i couldn't do for them the way I thought I should. I finally got better after almost 5 months but the anxiety took it's toll. I had to start taking medication for anxiety. Life seemed like it was going along okay but I think I was deluding myself. I had a part time job. The kids were okay me and my husband seemed like we had a good relationship. Then my mom died suddenly we were the best of friends she was my rock. I turned inside myself again and threw myself into a job that took 70 hours a week out of my life. I didn't need to face it or have a life. I got burnout from the hours and started being the real me at work. Needless to say that didn't go over well and i agreed to leave since me and boss couldn't get along. I took time off. After 6 months I went back to work. My job was always in accounting so I didn't have to have much interaction anyway. I had a part time job. My dad was forced to retire and got very depressed. I quit to help him out. He passed away and I had to take care of the estate. My son had back surgery and was out of commision for 1 and a half years. He just had another surgery and he still can't feel his foot so I am taking care of him. I am pretty sure I haven't dealt with any of these things very well and I have been inside myself and my own head for a long time. I think the person who wrote that you are probably really cool is right. I think that you are probably really intelligent and warm. It's har to put yourself out there after you turn inside. I hope this helps some I'm not sure I can help myself but i do like trying to help other people. I am 40 something so 30 something doesn't sound so old to me. Try to put yourself out ther I am pretty sure it's the only thing that will help. I'm with you as far as this being too long of a post. Sorry

 

[CastlesInTheSky]

Hello there.

I can totally empathise with what you are saying about never knowing whether people are talking to you just to be polite, or because they want something.

But let me correct you: you are definitely not without intelligence, you've proven that by writing out several paragraphs extremely clearly and it's obvious your writing is very articulate. Don't be so harsh on yourself.

 

[Pariah]

You're not alone, and you can desensitize yourself to these anxieties. Also this seems to get better with age.

My Dr says I have AvPD but I have to wonder sometimes if that is really what it is. I like Facebook because I can connect but still feel 'safe' and a little remote. I want to be close to people but if someone were to get close it would probably freak me out. It's easy enough to force myself to do things that make me uncomfortable, though. I don't like to, but I do them anyway. Unfortunately, I can't force people to like me. I can only stalk them and hope they give in. (Kidding on that last part .. no, really, I'm kidding.)