Letting it go

[J]

Does anyone have any good thoughts/ideas/CBT tricks for letting go of past events and actions?

I'm forever mentally dredging up things that happened to me in the past (even things from 10 to 15 years ago!) and getting annoyed and depressed over them. Like today.

I used to work for a small newspaper that really believed in my writing skills. They wanted me to become one of their regular reporters--a great entry-level opportunity. Of course, that requires a lot of people work, and my SA totally ruined it on me (being unable to go to meetings I was supposed to cover, meeting big politicians like the mayor and not being able to open my mouth...) and I was demoted and nearly fired (great 1st-job-out-of-college experience; it's set the tone for my whole 'career').

Today, when I read an article that mentioned that mayor, a now-famous politician in Congress, I was reminded of how I was simply unable to act like a remotely normal person in the position that I had, and it made me think of the career I could have had instead of this dead-end desk job that's too far away and pays too little to alleviate my massive debts from having been laid off 2.5 years ago. Which in turn leads me to think of all the other squandered opportunities and stupid actions and embarassing situations, SA-related or not. And especially how, despite everything that I HAVE managed to do and accomplish since then, I'm really just as much of a dysfunctional, weak loser as I was back then (only now without any hope of seeing any success or 'going anywhere' in life... great to be a washed-up never-even-was-never-mind-has-been at 32...), now with fewer friends, even more distant from my family, etc.

Of course I *know* that dwelling on the past is useless once you've learned the lessons from it, and I should just "let it go" and "move on". My question is, does anyone have any ideas on how to actually do that? What do you guys do?

 

[triceratops]

wow that's tough. This whole world is tough and just to make it that bit tougher a selected few were chosen to have social anxiety yey!

 

[J]

Yep, we're the Chosen Few (to be kicked around) LOL .

Yet, all the same, I can think of many people here who would count my situation as a vast improvement ... but in typical SA fashion, I think they're all gonna hate me because here I have a life that is, say, free of the horrors of agoraphobia, yet here I am griping away.... and the depression and SA are not constant, but constantly fluctuate... moods come and go, but obsessions are forever .... OK i'm rambling nonsensically now so I'll stop.

To start to answer my own question from the top post: One thing that seems to work is to be distracted by something else. The hard part is that often the distraction needs to be involuntary and imposed upon me, cuz I find it hard to distract myself (the thoughts follow me around, dammit! ).

 

[magda74]

Hey J,
I think this is my primary problem. I call it thinking in a loop. Scrutinizing every last detail till I'm convinced I screwed up and even if I did, I'll replay it until it's more devastating than the actual event.

I haven't even begun tackling this, but I do remind myself that my thinking is flawed when I get like this. Just because I thought it, doesn't make it so. It doesn't take it away, but it stops me long enough sometimes to recognize that I'm not being rational.

 

[jt]

As I mentioned in another thread, think about it as once in a lifetime. I don't know, but I think dealing with problems is also something we take for granted. Now you probably will say "what the hell, this guy is nuts!" but believe me, it's always a privilege living life as the person you are. We only get this perspective once in eternity. As I mentioned before, I believe in reincarnation so if and when you become another person, who knows how you will see life then? And think about it deeper, the person you are is a perspective no one else has. You have dealt with harsh things in your life, whereas some other people may have been handed everything - or had not lived a hard life.

It's all about the perspective you have once in eternity, and this is the one you got. So don't be blue about it, nothing lasts forever.

 

[J]

JT, you're not nuts, I (think I!) understand what you mean, and it's true. I guess it sort of has something to do with expectation and expecting and wanting to be the "me" that I may not actually be--both from my perspective and perhaps that of others--and then not meeting that 'standard' (words to cringe to: 'I'm disappointed in you...')

Woz: Hey there!! Sorry I've been a bit incommunicado, but what the hell, I have SA. Ha. Anyhoo I like your idea too--I haven't done the meditation thing in quite a while and I remember it's a good thing. I gotta get that going again. And yes, I judge myself rather harshly, knowing myself so well and being able to see the faults others can't, even... but in addition you do seem cool in the right ways as opposed to the MassCultureIdiotBox fashions.

And that goes for lots of the other folks here too.

 

[Angie_05]

Sounds like you are being way too hard on yourself, and maybe you think that you would be a better person if you would have kept that job. You haven't failed at your career or at life. Yes, it was a rare opportunity, but at the time you just weren't ready.

 

[outside_looking_in]

Hey J ... My first full time job was trainee reporter on a local paper ... almost killed me, would spend my lunch hour alone staring gratefully and silently into space! It was great that your writing was good enough to be offered the job though.

What I do now might suit YOU more, too--i'm a sub-editor--basically you cut and correct reporters' stories, compose headlines and lay out pages. And it's safe behind a computer, not bad pay (though depends very much who you work for!) and usually the only folks you have to speak to are those sitting at the adjacent desks.

Yeah I get the demoralising re-runs of social situations too ... if you can talk about them, either on here or if you have someone you can share things with, it makes it seem not so bad, externalises it in a way, and when people respond in a non-horrified way you can start to relax a bit about these things.

I've lost count of how many times I've brooded for days over something i said that I thought had upset someone, apologised next time I saw them and they reply "Oh I wasn't offended at all" or "I forgot all about that!" Likewise with other situations, people may have noticed at the time but they don't usually dwell on it. Unlike us!! :roll: