Last served

[Phantasystar4]

I feel a little bit dumb about posting this but at the same time its something that bother me. Since I was a child my father always served me last at the table for diner. I was the baby of the family so that's understandable. But now their are kids and people younger then I am in my family. I am 31 years old now and I am still always served last lol. And its not like its always the same order for the others. Its completely random. Am I making a big deal out of nothing or am I right to think its a bit rude and that it just contribute to my low self confidence. Like I am not that important so I get my stuff last :thumbdown:

 

[Lilly789]

Dont feel dumb about posting it, but umm.. yes. this is very different for me. But this could be because your family might be completely different to mine -

Do you guys sit at the table for dinner? (we don't)

Is there some type of patriarchal thing within your family? (there isn't in mine) for example, is your dad seen as the "head"?

Also, you said "I was the baby of the family so that's understandable". This isn't understandable to me at all - your age is irrelevant in my family, age does not define quality or character or worth - all are equal where I come from, and all have equal say (well.. almost!). If age was relevant in your family, he wouldn't STILL be serving you last.

But all families are different and that's ok. As long as everyone has equal ability to give their input and gain respect from ALL others, including the "head". Which brings me to my next question......

If this bothers you - have you said anything to them? I mean just in passing, joking, messing about as families do. If this was continually happening to me for example, after the first few weeks of noticing it, I would say "how come we always serve in the same order?" or "how about we serve anticlockwise, itll make things easier" (then sit in different places each time and you wont always be last). If it was my family, Id just say "hey, me first for a change" lol and that would be perfectly ok.

If you haven't said anything... why not? Is there a communication or emotional issue with your father?

If there is, theres the answer as to why you have a problem with such a small thing. Its not small to you because there are underlying issues. If so, its the underlying issues you need to deal with, not the order of service at dinner.

I could be way off, but it just seems to be something more than "low self confidence"... I mean decades of being served last isn't a coincidence.

Someone serving someone last consistently in our family, would really be seen as a show of dominance by the father - trying to push the other person down consistently. It would actually be seen as passive aggressive abusive behaviour.. NOT even remotely ok. Clearly as you've mentioned its not about age... it seems to be about respect and rank... and youre not getting either.

Could be wrong... just being honest.

 

[Phantasystar4]

I did make a comment one time about me always being served last. But it didn't change anything. My father keep serving me last. Even for my birthdays. And the rest of my family seemed to have found me childish by making the comment. Though I doubt that they understand that its not about getting my food last. Its the underlying issue like you said. And to answer your other question, my dad could be seen as the head of the family.

I don't really talk about it to either my dad or my brother and sister because we don't talk about emotions and problems in my family. My father is especially susceptible. If he is reproached anything he gets mad easily. I am extremely shy and this would cause a lot of unwanted attention for me. Making a scene is not what I want.

This thing about me being served last is only one thing that is on my mind. To be honest even though I know my family care about me, it often feels like they are doing me more wrong then good. I have always been looked down upon. Anytime I want to bring up something positive about myself I am put down because Its too much bragging. Which is a bit surprising considering most people outside my family know me as someone extremely harsh on himself and with no self confidence.

I don't know, right now I feel like I should go my separate way. That it would do me more good to be on my own then be disrespected and put down by my father or by the rest of my family.

 

[Lilly789]

I did make a comment one time about me always being served last. But it didn't change anything. My father keep serving me last. Even for my birthdays. And the rest of my family seemed to have found me childish by making the comment. Though I doubt that they understand that its not about getting my food last. Its the underlying issue like you said. And to answer your other question, my dad could be seen as the head of the family.

I don't really talk about it to either my dad or my brother and sister because we don't talk about emotions and problems in my family. My father is especially susceptible. If he is reproached anything he gets mad easily. I am extremely shy and this would cause a lot of unwanted attention for me. Making a scene is not what I want.

This thing about me being served last is only one thing that is on my mind. To be honest even though I know my family care about me, it often feels like they are doing me more wrong then good. I have always been looked down upon. Anytime I want to bring up something positive about myself I am put down because Its too much bragging. Which is a bit surprising considering most people outside my family know me as someone extremely harsh on himself and with no self confidence.

I don't know, right now I feel like I should go my separate way. That it would do me more good to be on my own then be disrespected and put down by my father or by the rest of my family.

I really do think it is a passive aggressive and a type of abuse. Your family making you feel childish is also not ok. they may not be doing it consciously and purposely, or they may not have the skills to deal with things appropriately, but that doesn't make it any less than what it is. Clearly there are some fairly deeply ingrained issues here.

The important thing to remember is you are not responsible for their actions. their problems are their problems, not yours, and you haven't done anything "wrong".

However, if you don't really want to speak up or do anything about it, then its not going to change. And if youre not going to fix the issue then the only thing you really can do (without driving yourself crazy) is to accept them for who they are - flawed.

This still doesn't make it ok for them to treat you like that, and it doesn't mean you have to sit there and take it.

Are you still living at home? time to move out and make your own rules. You can then control how much you allow them to do this type of thing to you.

If you aren't living at home, stop going back and putting yourself in he same situation over and over - that's not sending the right messages to them either.