Horatio
Well-known member
Does anyone else here hate lamp posts? I walk down the same streets nearly every day with my eyes always straying habitually down to the ground, my long hair draped down like a veil over my face of shame. Until the last few months it was as if I didn’t even know there were lamp posts.
My eyes daren’t look up scarce I offend a superior member of society, scarce I invite a beating, verbal or physical.
I can’t look guys in the eyes for fear they might read the weakness embedded in my soul, knowing if they saw the victim I am then they will treat me as such. I prefer to be treated as a nobody so I look down and try to melt away.
I can’t look girls in the eyes because I hate the reflection of myself that I see in them, someone not worthy of their love, not worthy of their time, not worthy to be in their presence, I know where I stand in their eyes and do not wish to be told yet again, so I lower my eyes.
My eyes lower even further, in fear that the girl might think my downward creeping eyes might be looking at her breasts, to avoid any confusion I look straight down at my feet as they stride onwards down the street, never looking up at the lamp posts.
I try not to think of the lamp posts when I walk down the street, trying not to let curiosity force me to look up at them, it is much safer to look down instead.
I let my hair grow right over my eyes, down past my nose, down over my mouth, all useless anyway when I’m too scared to smell sweet fragrances, too scared to talk to anyone and too scared to look at lamp posts. My fringe is now down to my chest but if I hang my head low enough the fringe droops down to let me stare straight down, always concentrating on making sure I don’t lose my footing and make a fool of myself again.
Recently whenever I look up at lamp posts I see something quite disturbing, I see myself at the end of every one, swinging by a rope attached to my neck Naked as the day I was born with my hands tied behind my back I swing from every pole, on every street I ever fucking walk down, swaying gently in the wind.
I know its not real, how could it be possible that I’m hanging from every lamp post on the street at the same time? It is not possible yet every time I look up, there I am hanging there. I wish I could dismiss it, I wish it weren’t so, but it’s the honest truth even though I know it is absurd, whenever I look at a lamp post I see myself hanging dead below it. I know it is my mind, I know I’m going crazy yet every time I look up, there I am.
Does anyone else have this problem? Does anyone else hate lamp posts? I never had this problem until relatively recently as my condition has continued to get worse. Well I haven’t had the problem for years. When I was younger some kids at school beat me to the ground like usual, put a rope around my neck and told me they were going to hang me from a lamp post. Terrified, I believed them and thought that then and there it was my time to die, swinging beneath a lamp post. After a playful kick in the guts and a friendly punch in the face they let me go, but threatened to come after me when I least expected it, to hang me from a lamp post. They told me how they would strip me naked first so everyone could laugh at me, told me how they would hold me down and tie my hands behind me, then how they would hoist me up to the top of a lamp post by my neck. They told me everyone would just point and laugh and no one would help me. I was terrified for months as I waited for the moment when they would put their promise into action. I couldn’t look at lamp posts.
I had completely forgotten about the lamp post promise until very recently when I started to see my stiff corpse hanging from every fucking lamp post again. It has been driving me crazy for months, been giving me panic attacks every time I looked at one and I had no idea why. It wasn’t until this week when I remembered the incident at school, remembered those few months where I lived every day expecting to end the day strung from a lamp post. But even now that I can remember what happened it hasn’t gone away. I’m 23 and I can’t look at fucking lamp posts! The shame of writing this is making me cry, I wish I wasn’t this bad. I used to wish I could have a girl friend, some mates and a bit of confidence, but now I just wish I could look at fucking lamp posts. How fucking pathetic is that!
How the fuck do I make this all stop, it is getting too much for me
H
My eyes daren’t look up scarce I offend a superior member of society, scarce I invite a beating, verbal or physical.
I can’t look guys in the eyes for fear they might read the weakness embedded in my soul, knowing if they saw the victim I am then they will treat me as such. I prefer to be treated as a nobody so I look down and try to melt away.
I can’t look girls in the eyes because I hate the reflection of myself that I see in them, someone not worthy of their love, not worthy of their time, not worthy to be in their presence, I know where I stand in their eyes and do not wish to be told yet again, so I lower my eyes.
My eyes lower even further, in fear that the girl might think my downward creeping eyes might be looking at her breasts, to avoid any confusion I look straight down at my feet as they stride onwards down the street, never looking up at the lamp posts.
I try not to think of the lamp posts when I walk down the street, trying not to let curiosity force me to look up at them, it is much safer to look down instead.
I let my hair grow right over my eyes, down past my nose, down over my mouth, all useless anyway when I’m too scared to smell sweet fragrances, too scared to talk to anyone and too scared to look at lamp posts. My fringe is now down to my chest but if I hang my head low enough the fringe droops down to let me stare straight down, always concentrating on making sure I don’t lose my footing and make a fool of myself again.
Recently whenever I look up at lamp posts I see something quite disturbing, I see myself at the end of every one, swinging by a rope attached to my neck Naked as the day I was born with my hands tied behind my back I swing from every pole, on every street I ever fucking walk down, swaying gently in the wind.
I know its not real, how could it be possible that I’m hanging from every lamp post on the street at the same time? It is not possible yet every time I look up, there I am hanging there. I wish I could dismiss it, I wish it weren’t so, but it’s the honest truth even though I know it is absurd, whenever I look at a lamp post I see myself hanging dead below it. I know it is my mind, I know I’m going crazy yet every time I look up, there I am.
Does anyone else have this problem? Does anyone else hate lamp posts? I never had this problem until relatively recently as my condition has continued to get worse. Well I haven’t had the problem for years. When I was younger some kids at school beat me to the ground like usual, put a rope around my neck and told me they were going to hang me from a lamp post. Terrified, I believed them and thought that then and there it was my time to die, swinging beneath a lamp post. After a playful kick in the guts and a friendly punch in the face they let me go, but threatened to come after me when I least expected it, to hang me from a lamp post. They told me how they would strip me naked first so everyone could laugh at me, told me how they would hold me down and tie my hands behind me, then how they would hoist me up to the top of a lamp post by my neck. They told me everyone would just point and laugh and no one would help me. I was terrified for months as I waited for the moment when they would put their promise into action. I couldn’t look at lamp posts.
I had completely forgotten about the lamp post promise until very recently when I started to see my stiff corpse hanging from every fucking lamp post again. It has been driving me crazy for months, been giving me panic attacks every time I looked at one and I had no idea why. It wasn’t until this week when I remembered the incident at school, remembered those few months where I lived every day expecting to end the day strung from a lamp post. But even now that I can remember what happened it hasn’t gone away. I’m 23 and I can’t look at fucking lamp posts! The shame of writing this is making me cry, I wish I wasn’t this bad. I used to wish I could have a girl friend, some mates and a bit of confidence, but now I just wish I could look at fucking lamp posts. How fucking pathetic is that!
How the fuck do I make this all stop, it is getting too much for me
H
