billfish
Active member
incoming long read
I've suffered from depression since adolescence, I'm 25 now. My parent's grueling divorce/custody battle left me somewhat "traumatized". The fact that my father was an abusive alcoholic probably attributed to it as well.
13-16y/o was just a blur of marijuana use to escape reality. I struggled with high school classrooms, and attendance in general. I had quite a few friends that were popular and all that, but looking back I guess I was latching onto them because they had what I wanted. I had a difficult time (and still do) expressing my feeling to peer groups without becoming flustered. Oh and front of the class presentations... forget it
Fast forward to 18y/o, my father suddenly died of heart disease. I quickly fell into the depths of depression that have lasted... well, until now. Every symptom you can name, I've dealt with. And my means of escape at the time were drugs and alcohol. I've seen countless psychologists and have tried the usual ssri's. Sometimes I would get better and no longer need them, sometimes... relapse.
About a year after the incident, I moved to SD with my family and began working and supporting myself (huge step for someone with severe depression and social anxiety!) Well, after a few months, I started to drink heavily again. I ended up getting hurt on the job, lost my girlfriend, and moved back home. While at home, I cleaned up (sober since may 23, 2009), but have been a complete recluse due to the depression and anxiety. My only motivation to leave the house would be to car shows/events or running trails/the beach.
Within the last year, things have been stagnant. Not really leaving the house at all, no motivation. I had a job working with a family friend doing some pet sitting (easy enough). Side note: I dropped out of college. Fast forward to the beginning of this year, DISASTER struck! Late 2010, I made an unbelievably stupid mistake with some unbelievably stupid "friends" which caught up with me. I was charged with first degree burglary and vandalism. Long story short, I spent almost 6 months in jail. Coping with confines of jail was hard enough, but the emotional trauma soon caught up with me (after my release). Now I'm a felon with a strike, and I feel absolutely hopeless. After successful completion of probation I can have the charge reduced so I no longer have the felony. But until then, life seems extremely fruitless. I have no direction.
I desperately need a job to pay restitution, the GPS ankle monitor I'm wearing, getting my car fixed, outstanding medical bills, outstanding tickets, etcetc etc. you get the point. It's a horrible feeling to know that the US job market is very weak as is, and much less accepting of ex cons. On top of everything, I have extreme social anxiety when it comes to large groups, such as working in a grocery market EEK. I'm not sure what else there may be.
The last few weeks have been very difficult. Last night I've fallen back into the suicidal train of thought as a means of escaping the pain. In tears as I'm typing this. EMO LOOOL!!
I know it's not the answer, and "it will get better", but jesus... in the moment it seems like your world is falling apart and everything is hopeless.
This depression seems to be like the grim reaper just hovering over every move I make just waiting for a trigger. I would like more than anything to find a "solution" that is permanent... But realistically I think this may be a permanent ailment. COULD have less of an effect on my life with proper medications and therapy, but it will remain.
The good news out of this is I have yet another appointment with a psychiatrist next week. We'll see how that goes.
I guess it's good to get this off your chest anyways, even if it's to an anonymous group of people. Thanks for the listen.
I've suffered from depression since adolescence, I'm 25 now. My parent's grueling divorce/custody battle left me somewhat "traumatized". The fact that my father was an abusive alcoholic probably attributed to it as well.
13-16y/o was just a blur of marijuana use to escape reality. I struggled with high school classrooms, and attendance in general. I had quite a few friends that were popular and all that, but looking back I guess I was latching onto them because they had what I wanted. I had a difficult time (and still do) expressing my feeling to peer groups without becoming flustered. Oh and front of the class presentations... forget it
Fast forward to 18y/o, my father suddenly died of heart disease. I quickly fell into the depths of depression that have lasted... well, until now. Every symptom you can name, I've dealt with. And my means of escape at the time were drugs and alcohol. I've seen countless psychologists and have tried the usual ssri's. Sometimes I would get better and no longer need them, sometimes... relapse.
About a year after the incident, I moved to SD with my family and began working and supporting myself (huge step for someone with severe depression and social anxiety!) Well, after a few months, I started to drink heavily again. I ended up getting hurt on the job, lost my girlfriend, and moved back home. While at home, I cleaned up (sober since may 23, 2009), but have been a complete recluse due to the depression and anxiety. My only motivation to leave the house would be to car shows/events or running trails/the beach.
Within the last year, things have been stagnant. Not really leaving the house at all, no motivation. I had a job working with a family friend doing some pet sitting (easy enough). Side note: I dropped out of college. Fast forward to the beginning of this year, DISASTER struck! Late 2010, I made an unbelievably stupid mistake with some unbelievably stupid "friends" which caught up with me. I was charged with first degree burglary and vandalism. Long story short, I spent almost 6 months in jail. Coping with confines of jail was hard enough, but the emotional trauma soon caught up with me (after my release). Now I'm a felon with a strike, and I feel absolutely hopeless. After successful completion of probation I can have the charge reduced so I no longer have the felony. But until then, life seems extremely fruitless. I have no direction.
I desperately need a job to pay restitution, the GPS ankle monitor I'm wearing, getting my car fixed, outstanding medical bills, outstanding tickets, etcetc etc. you get the point. It's a horrible feeling to know that the US job market is very weak as is, and much less accepting of ex cons. On top of everything, I have extreme social anxiety when it comes to large groups, such as working in a grocery market EEK. I'm not sure what else there may be.
The last few weeks have been very difficult. Last night I've fallen back into the suicidal train of thought as a means of escaping the pain. In tears as I'm typing this. EMO LOOOL!!
I know it's not the answer, and "it will get better", but jesus... in the moment it seems like your world is falling apart and everything is hopeless.
This depression seems to be like the grim reaper just hovering over every move I make just waiting for a trigger. I would like more than anything to find a "solution" that is permanent... But realistically I think this may be a permanent ailment. COULD have less of an effect on my life with proper medications and therapy, but it will remain.
The good news out of this is I have yet another appointment with a psychiatrist next week. We'll see how that goes.
I guess it's good to get this off your chest anyways, even if it's to an anonymous group of people. Thanks for the listen.
