I'm so depressed over a girl and it's ruining my life. She disappeared and cut me off after a long 4 year relationship where we lived together. I felt really connected to this girl, she was kind of withdrawn like me, we had the same sense of humor, and same personalities although she was much quieter and she dealt with anxiety while I have a much bigger tendency towards depression. I guess we had a lot of bad qualities in common but I felt an empathy that I've never felt for anybody else, both being victims of sexual abuse I felt like protecting her I guess.
I was always able to be myself around her, never embarassed, and always felt like I could say whatever random thought that came into my mind. I was extremely attracted to her, it seemed like there were not many problems. She was on the shy side even around me. Some days she would talk and others not so much which made me have to talk more and keep the conversation going, it helped with my confidence and with just being more social in general, I kind of struggled around dominant loud personalities so being around someone quieter made me the opposite.
Things went real well usually but at times she would not call for a few days at a time, completely disappear and then come back with some lame excuse like her phone was broken, this would happen every couple of months and I never thought much of it. I figured that maybe she was depressed, she was raped by 2 older men she was 13 so I figured there might be some type of post-traumatic stress and/or major depression issues. *She would also just turn into another person especially during arguments, she would go from being the sweetest and most quiet person to saying very hateful things and being abusive followed up by crying and apologizing, I've never seen anything like it. We rarely fought but when we did it was always out of control and her parents of course started to dislike me b/c of the arguments. From that point on it turned into a "him or us" situation and they would threaten to dissown her if she talked to me so she kept it a secret for awhile.
Things were okay during the whole ordeal but she seemed more distant and less passionate. This only made me frantic and worried but I never got crazy over it, I've always been patient. One day she disappeared for good without saying a word going on 4 months ago. I tried calling, emailing, nothing. Her parents only made threats if I called anymore so eventually I stopped. I would leave her a voicemail here or there explaining how I wouldn't be mad, just wanted to know why and I needed closure. I've never been more torn up inside over something to the point where I feel like killing myself and constantly fantasize about it, I've tried before but that was in my teens, I am 23 now.
I feel very distant and alienated from the world, people just seem cruel in general after I think about all the horrible experiences I've had. I guess you can say its a whole cliche breakup thing but it feels much worse than that. This girl was all I cared about and she just throws me away like nothing, without a word or goodbye. I've done everything I can think of, hung out with people, picked up writing, concentrated on guitar, talked to other women. My confidence and self esteem seem non-existent at this point. I've always had depression but now I can sadly say I look at the future with little hope. My friends all say the same typical "it's just a girl, get over it" I've already expressed my feelings about the situation but after awhile it probably gets tired.
I miss her just as much as I did at first and I worry about her health. Sometimes I hate her for it, other times I think of a really good memory and I smile then cry. I feel like there's no god. My whole life has been bad until I met her, now it's worse off than before. I'm sick of having to depend on someone else for happiness and I'm sick of feeling suicidal. I'm tired of anxiety and feeling like I can't breathe and most of all I'm sick of life. It's only gotten worse for me. I hate going through life trying to pretend like I'm not tormented inside. I really hope this isn't all there is. I'm sure one day I'll feel happy but I'm also sure something else will screw up. If you actually took time to read this then I appreciate it. It's all one giant paragraph of me babbling and venting but I feel slightly better writing it. Thank you for your time...:
:
- Justin*
I was always able to be myself around her, never embarassed, and always felt like I could say whatever random thought that came into my mind. I was extremely attracted to her, it seemed like there were not many problems. She was on the shy side even around me. Some days she would talk and others not so much which made me have to talk more and keep the conversation going, it helped with my confidence and with just being more social in general, I kind of struggled around dominant loud personalities so being around someone quieter made me the opposite.
Things went real well usually but at times she would not call for a few days at a time, completely disappear and then come back with some lame excuse like her phone was broken, this would happen every couple of months and I never thought much of it. I figured that maybe she was depressed, she was raped by 2 older men she was 13 so I figured there might be some type of post-traumatic stress and/or major depression issues. *She would also just turn into another person especially during arguments, she would go from being the sweetest and most quiet person to saying very hateful things and being abusive followed up by crying and apologizing, I've never seen anything like it. We rarely fought but when we did it was always out of control and her parents of course started to dislike me b/c of the arguments. From that point on it turned into a "him or us" situation and they would threaten to dissown her if she talked to me so she kept it a secret for awhile.
Things were okay during the whole ordeal but she seemed more distant and less passionate. This only made me frantic and worried but I never got crazy over it, I've always been patient. One day she disappeared for good without saying a word going on 4 months ago. I tried calling, emailing, nothing. Her parents only made threats if I called anymore so eventually I stopped. I would leave her a voicemail here or there explaining how I wouldn't be mad, just wanted to know why and I needed closure. I've never been more torn up inside over something to the point where I feel like killing myself and constantly fantasize about it, I've tried before but that was in my teens, I am 23 now.
I feel very distant and alienated from the world, people just seem cruel in general after I think about all the horrible experiences I've had. I guess you can say its a whole cliche breakup thing but it feels much worse than that. This girl was all I cared about and she just throws me away like nothing, without a word or goodbye. I've done everything I can think of, hung out with people, picked up writing, concentrated on guitar, talked to other women. My confidence and self esteem seem non-existent at this point. I've always had depression but now I can sadly say I look at the future with little hope. My friends all say the same typical "it's just a girl, get over it" I've already expressed my feelings about the situation but after awhile it probably gets tired.
I miss her just as much as I did at first and I worry about her health. Sometimes I hate her for it, other times I think of a really good memory and I smile then cry. I feel like there's no god. My whole life has been bad until I met her, now it's worse off than before. I'm sick of having to depend on someone else for happiness and I'm sick of feeling suicidal. I'm tired of anxiety and feeling like I can't breathe and most of all I'm sick of life. It's only gotten worse for me. I hate going through life trying to pretend like I'm not tormented inside. I really hope this isn't all there is. I'm sure one day I'll feel happy but I'm also sure something else will screw up. If you actually took time to read this then I appreciate it. It's all one giant paragraph of me babbling and venting but I feel slightly better writing it. Thank you for your time...:
:- Justin*
