Isolation/lonliness rant

[allieaust]

Hi guys, ive been on this forum some time/ year/s ago.


I suffer pretty bad with this social phobia thing. I feel like im going crazy because i live in my mind and have no friends. I dont drive because i cant afford it at the moment ( im sacing up to move so that i have a financial safety net) and i live an hours walk out from town, there is no public transport and so to get anywhere i virtually have to walk. Its difficult at odd hours and in the winter and usually i feel so inadequate around other people so i tend to not join anything, not that there is anything here though, i live in a small country town with the population mostly over 60 year olds.

I wonder if anyone else is in similar circumstances?

Ive been saving so that i can finally move out of this place and situation, but it takes time and in that time i feel like im going down hill each day. The only social thing that i do is my grocery shopping and it makes me very depressed ,
you see everyone with friends and the likes and your in your own world, not knowing anyone.

A few years ago i met a guy online and made huge changes, moved interstate and that really scarred me because the guy was very emotionally abusive and criticized everything about me so bluntly and without emotion and used me for sex pretty much, besides that it was the best time in my life as i was challenging everything and going out everyday and interacting with people rather than the situation i am in now.

It took a whole year to get over the abuse and i got very, very ill with spending most of the year never sleeping in the nighttime.

Its been so hard to get over abuse, it totally can screw you up, particuarly if you havent been around people in a long time, besides family.

I wonder if anyone has been thru anything similar?

 

[FOR REAL]

hi, i feel for you and all that youve been through.

i live in a large town in scotland, but you know how you mentioned the over 60s, i love being amongst them, they always seem so relaxed and so at peace with life, and they always know things that we dont.

fair enough it might take them a month to tell you the whole story, but seriously, listen to them.

as for meeting people online, dont even ask me, lol, if i hear the word malaysia one more time im going to go insane!

you cant get any peace in towns/cities i would love to have have a house away from society

 

[Beyondshy]

Just wanted to say hello I think you are too hard on yourself. You moved interstate which is a big thing for people who don't even have social anxiety to do! It might not have worked out as you had wanted but that hasn't stopped you from planning to move again. I think that is fantastic! I wish I had more courage to do something like that! Sorry I don't have any words of advice

 

[Cal]

Hi, I know how you feel about the seclusion part, I used to live out in rural areas while I was growing up, and my high school years were without a doubt the worst. I usually just got a lift whenever I needed to go somewhere (to school) but when I wanted to go somewhere on weekends just to socialize, it was a different story. Makes you feel extremely left out.

But at least you have experienced what it's like to make a change and get out there like that. You've just gotta try, try, try again!

 

[Fear of people]

Buying myself a car is not an issue for me...however I do not like driving full stop. I still consider myself as a learner driver and have been sitting:: on my provisional 1 license for the past 3 years... only because I am afraid that people will stare and laugh at me because I still cannot reverse park properly in between two cars and I am terrified of driving in heavy traffic and of people driving behind me as such.

This is also due to my social phobia and basicly worrying that people will stare or criticise me as I am unable to drive a car properly without making silly mistakes. So I have given up all hopes of ever obtaining my full driver's licence due to this social phobia of mine which I think is quite sad for one thing.

 

[evie]

Hi allie,

My situation isn't that similar to yours but even though I live in a big city, I can relate to so much of what you say. For what it's worth, I don't think you're going crazy. Living in your own head and/or making up elaborate fantasy lives/stories are common symptoms of SA, it's kind of like a defence mechanism.

I also have no friends (I have no idea how you're supposed to make them) and only ever socialise with my family. As I live in Sydney, public transport is readily available, but on my bad anxiety days even catching public transport can be difficult. I am slowly trying to get my driver's licence, the only reason I don't have it yet is my anxiety. There are lots of things I would love to do, but I usually feel too anxious to actually do anything or go anywhere. I see other people going out and spending time with their friends, and it feels as though life is passing me by.

As for the abusive relationship you experienced, I've never been in as bad a situation as you were, but I have had some pretty scary things happen all the same. I think a lot of abusive men actually seek out shy/anxious women because it's easier to control and manipulate someone if they already have low self-esteem.

 

[BlauweEngel]

To people here,

Moving to a new place is always hard, even for people without anxieties. I moved to a small town in MA, USA and most people here is old. Generally it is difficult to anyone to approach others without feeling awkwardness, but hey making friends got to start somewhere right? For me, the guys that I work with are very nice people and are always up for doing things outside of work (good luck finding a date in town though lol). As usual I think men very often approach me to start a conversation, I think women are shyer about this kind of stuff.

So here is the thing, I found that making friends are easier when there is some sort of activity that has an environment for it. Like in my tango class, the situation is set up so that we are pretty much forced to socialize. The same applies for the environments that I have at work and the environment that I have in my kendo classes. As we go out as a group we get to know what each person is like.

So one solution to your loneliness problem is to think about something that you like doing (dancing, doing art, learning instruments) and it involves group activities and find somewhere that has it. (being afraid of people is a much bigger hindrance that I'm not sure I can help you with) And for people who take advantage of you and are abusive to you, don't even give them the time of day if you start detecting hints of that kind of personality. I think being lonely is better than being abused.