Is this social phobia or shyness?

getbornagain

getbornagain

Well-known member
Alright. A sad story is about to be told, fuck it..... All my life I've been insecure about myself. I've always been really self-conscious and shy around girls. Girls have come to me, they have made it clear I could get in their pants with little to no effort. But a few bad sexual experiences regarding performance anxiety have scarred me greatly. About 4-5 times I've been shitfaced and either lost erection or couldn't get the engine started and I've let these incidents prevent me from gaining a strong intimate relationbship all my life. I get anxiety around girls and can barely maintain face when in a conversation with an attractive girl. I am a virgin and that only deflates the self-esteem more. I feel at this point I couldn't even do a one on one date with a girl and put on a good show, especially considering I have a great fear of intimacy.... Is this just me being a shy-ass pussy all my life or a specific social phobia?

It should be mentioned I have mild OCD which I never knew about until recently. I am going in January to get diagnosed for my OCD, and was wondering if I should also seek therapy for social phobia as well. Things have got to get better as I am a lonely piece of shit and deserve a fulfilling relationship and I refuse to be gay.
 
alex29

alex29

Well-known member
what goes through your head when you are around girls? does this extend to other areas of your life?
 
getbornagain

getbornagain

Well-known member
Not really. I can make conversation with strangers, other guys, I have a ton of friends, I go out all the time. I just can't for the life of me converse with beautiful girls...... or get close with one.
 
Agitprop

Agitprop

Active member
Sounds like 'love-shyness', or just a specific kind of shyness, since it only affects one particular areas of your life. It's definitely not social anxiety disorder. It's not surprising that you have these problems considering your past experiences, so i guess you have to change your negative thinking patterns about love and sex and gradually build up your experience and comfort level. Therapy would be helpful to achieve this, although, depending on the circumstances, you might be able to fix the problem on your own through self-help and such.
 
alex29

alex29

Well-known member
getbornagain said:
Not really. I can make conversation with strangers, other guys, I have a ton of friends, I go out all the time. I just can't for the life of me converse with beautiful girls...... or get close with one.
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doesnt sound like social anxiety but more like extreme and specific shyness. hope you can figur eit out
 
getbornagain

getbornagain

Well-known member
flakeybark said:
getbornagain said:
I just can't for the life of me converse with beautiful girls.
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what about ugly ones?
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It's alot easier. I can make conversation, but I don't know if I could be intimate with an ugly brod because I have a genuine scarring of the mind when it comes to romance from previous traumas. I can make and maintain eye contact with girls I don't desire, but when a beautiful girl comes near me it's like a reflex to look down or away. I can't look a sexy girl in the eyes for more than 2 seconds. I want what I can't have.
 
eso

eso

Well-known member
i had the same problem. mild ocd, performance anxiety, etc.

The best way to describe performance anxiety in bed is when you go to a public restroom and can't pee in front of others, even if you are hidden by a stall or whatever. That is exactly the same feeling and if you can figure out how to get out of that problem then it's basically the same process to get over the loss of erection with a girl. Unfortunately, it don't make it easy. I lived with it for 3 years, couldn't do it. Compounded by the problem that I was already goign on age 29 and still a virgin even though I had a gf for 3 years. My age and all that other stuff really took a toll on me and made me feel awful and I just couldn't do it. Took practice. The only way I was able to do it cuz my gf (who had her own version of this same problem, was afraid and had pain, etc) finally after all that 3 yrs time let us both just keep practicing until it finally worked out. That took, mm, maybe a few weeks but we got it.

So my suggestion is find someone to get with, a gf who's patient. And if intimacy comes up you straight up tell her that issue you have and if you were to ever get into it, you'd need her help. If she's willing not only have you found a decent partner but a solution to the problem. I'm sure if you found a girl who wanted to stay with you then this wouldn't be a "dealbreaker". Assuming what you said is true, that you've found girls willing to get in bed with you at all, then obviously you are attractive enough in some way to get the ball rolling easier than most other shy dudes.
 
getbornagain

getbornagain

Well-known member
Yeah bro I have a pissing in public problem as well. Can't do it if people are around me; very inconsistent. Thanks for the advice it helped alot. Your story gives me hope... gotta find the right girl obviously.

Did you get treated for OCD at all? Use medications etc? The psych I'm going to see is out of town til Jan 12th and I'm going for a consultation.
 
eso

eso

Well-known member
getbornagain said:
Yeah bro I have a pissing in public problem as well. Can't do it if people are around me; very inconsistent. Thanks for the advice it helped alot. Your story gives me hope... gotta find the right girl obviously.

Did you get treated for OCD at all? Use medications etc? The psych I'm going to see is out of town til Jan 12th and I'm going for a consultation.
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Yeah, you'll be ok as soon as you find the right girl. I got over the pissing thing too when i was still a teen. I'm not even sure how i did it but it was somehow a matter of me calming down and visualizing it working instead of being so scared of being in public. I somehow focused on myself rather than people around me, now that i think of it. Again not sure how i did it but that seems to be the thought process. Took a while but it eventually worked.. it really is almost exactly the same thing for erections.

My OCD actually seems to have tapered off on its own. Again, not really sure how it happened. I used to do the whole shebang, needed to be symmetrical, counted stuff, had to do stuff til it felt 'right', entered and exited rooms over and over, etc etc. It was tied into my tourettes syndrome. Honestly not sure why it went away, but it did. I still do some stuff but it is so minor it doesn't affect my life at all anymore.

I wish i knew what it is i do to fix these issues so i could write it all down but somehow it's just something that clicks in me and i figure it out. Like when you learn how to ride a bike.
 
getbornagain

getbornagain

Well-known member
The pissing issue for me isn't about a fear of public. I'm not afraid of the public, I don't know what it is that stops me but it's like a mental block. I'll stand there sometimes having to piss soo bad but just can't go for some reason if someone walks into the bathroom and lines up next to me.. it's ridiuclous. Sometimes I go and sometimes I don't.... these problems shouldn't exist haha.
 
eso

eso

Well-known member
getbornagain said:
The pissing issue for me isn't about a fear of public. I'm not afraid of the public, I don't know what it is that stops me but it's like a mental block. I'll stand there sometimes having to piss soo bad but just can't go for some reason if someone walks into the bathroom and lines up next to me.. it's ridiuclous. Sometimes I go and sometimes I don't.... these problems shouldn't exist haha.
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well i was never afraid of the public either. the mental block, i think, has something to do with serious self-consciousness. And that can arise in any weird situation. like for instance you can go to mcdonalds and buy a burger and eat in the restaurant right there in public... , but for some reason let's say you had that burger and were standing in line for something like a movie ticket or something. Also in public, right?. but suddenly you'd feel like the biggest friggin idiot standing there eating this burger because you are in a slightly strange situation. That's self-conscious bs, irrational idea intruding into your head and then stopping you from doing stuff. And it's not really entirely irrational.. but still it could get overblown in your head on a subconscious level.

For both of the aforementioned problems, as soon as you somehow get this irrational idea out of your head and you focus inward.. if you can somehow tune out the stuff around you that messed you up and really focus your thoughts on your own inner workings and body, that really helps. Unfortunately when in bed that is way harder, but like I said before if you found a girl that eventually you get comfortable with, the problem starts fading away.
 
getbornagain

getbornagain

Well-known member
Yeah for sure buddy. Appreciate the advice big time.... It's weird though it's not like a thought or anything pops into my mind when I can't piss, it's like my body won't let it happen. I can't pinpoint the problem, but I think it has something to do with my dong being out of my pants, which is similar to the other problem I have. Who knows, I'm hoping therapy helps put me on the right path.

I gotta tell you... I never thought problems like these could exist 5 years ago.
 
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