KevVversion1
Active member
Right, I don't need advice but more opinions based on the facts I tell you -as to wether you can see this working out for me coz I have serious doubts, doubts based purely on how my SA is gonna affect my relationship.
I am about to buy a house with my girlfriend - and will be putting down £25,000 and she will be putting in £0.00. The mortgage will be joint though because we both have jobs. With house prices falling, it doesnt look like there will be a way out of this in a few years without losing my deposit - so if she bails out - I'm screwed. There could be an option to rent it out to cover the mortgage until house prices go back up, but even still this is a massive worry - I've never moved out before (terrible at 31, I know). I know this is not a great time to buy, but we really have no choice. I had a falling out with her brother because he is a disrespectful asshole - maybe he treats me like that because I am quiet, he thinks he can take advantage of me - long story but he takes, takes, takes - I do favours and he does nothing but disrespect me. So, it all came to a head a month ago since he has threatened violence because I took back a PS2 that I sold him, but never got the money for - so I am refusing to go to their house. Maybe he could take me out, maybe I could take him, I don't care to find out, I'm 31 - he's 21 and obsessed with how strong he is, how hard he can hit etc (funny I always beat him in arm wrestles) but seriously, I'm trying to live my life I dont need to be getting into a fight with some kid wether I win or lose it's hospital or jail, so neither result is good - that's why I detest violence and am staying away. So the only place we had to go was my house, my mum has her own problems and doesnt want us hanging about so she started on my girlfriend and a great big argument ensues, great - she is now banned from the house. I am 31 and my girlfriend is banned - we now have nowhere to go. We were planning to get our own place eventually but circumstances have forced it, we looked into renting - but to me that is throwing money away so we've been looking at houses and today we sorted the mortgage and put in an offer on a house we both really love.
Thats the situation, heres the problem. I am 31, she is 19 - this in itself is not a problem since I could pass for 23 easily. The age difference isnt a problem in terms of how we get along, we are on the same level (which doesnt say much for me) and we want the same things, marriage, home, kids etc. The problem lyes in her age and her needs Vs how my SA could affect it. I didnt actually realise this could be a problem, and in fact until today I would of considered myself well on the way to being recovered from SA since I have acheived quite a bit in my life over the last 5/6 years and although the anxiety is there in situations everyday, I have managed to stop it affecting my life - until today.
Now, usually when I'm with my girlfriend - it's just the 2 of us (no SA issues). Up until a month ago we would go to her house a lot with her mum and brother there (was never 100% relaxed with them but I coped), or we were at my house (no SA issues), or we were out and about. She has a few friends, mainly work friends or friends she meets up with if I'm at work - I met a couple of her friends and got on with them ok but she would only see them once a month or so. Basically they were never a big part of our life - now through work she has met an old friend that she has got really close to in the last month, in fact she sleeps over her house most nights after work coz they work together and her friend lives near to their work. Her new friend has got a lot of friends and they sometimes go out for a drink after work. Today was the first time I got to meet this friend of hers, I was a little nervous about it but figured I've come far enough I should cope. How wrong can I be, just when you think you've cracked it, SA rears it's ugly head and puts everything your doing into doubt!
So I go to this friends flat today, where there is her friends mum and dad and another friend so I am meeting 2 new women and 2 new men - great. I was ok to start with - I find I can blag it for a few minutes and then eventually I get found out - like one fuck up - one bout of "not knowing what to say" and in my mind the game is up, everybody knows I'm anxious about it, and I fall apart - was very long periods of silence by myself, not knowing where to look, staring at a wall, even finding in not knowing where to look I somehow end up staring at somebodies ass accidently! - My whole god damn past coming back to haunt me grrrrrrrrr everybody else will talk and talk -I'll think of sommit to say every now and then but they were at random points as I desperatly tried to freaking stay in the game - in the end I gave up and sat there in silence.
Also, I had suggested to my girlfriend that possibly when we get the house, we could rent out a bedroom to her friend - possibly. Not only has my girlfriend told her this, when we were chatting about the house - it seems the friend was already deciding which bedroom she was gonna have!!! and this girl is the one with all the friends - all coming over to my house? I don't freaking think so. Now don't get me wrong, once a month is fine, I dont mind visitors espiecally if I got a beer in the fridge on an evening. But I'm concerned at how close this friendship is in terms of how often my girlfriend is gonna wanna see this girl, they work together - aint that enough? it would be nice to move in, be alone with my girlfriend - and then have ocassional visitors - it seems to me like as soon as we get in there my girlfriend is gonna practically move this mob into our home!
When we walked out of there tonight, I gave the usual lines about "ah I was bored in there" and "I'm tired - you know I dont like to sit down for the sake of chatting". Then I tried to put my girlfriend off of staying there by saying "why do you sleep on the floor in her flat when you got a double bed at your house?" then I get home and ignore her text, then I answer the phone after the THIRD time she rang and was offish with her - and told her I might feel like having the day to myself tomorrow and not see her Sunday. So in that respect, the fact that I was anxious in there has had a direct result on my relationship because I was not only trying to put her off seeing her mate, but I guess I was trying to punish her for it.
I guess the problem here is that my girlfriend is now getting a bit too social for my anxiety to handle - maybe I need somebody more like me, somebody that doesnt mind being social with select people on select occassions, not somebody that wants a open house and will be social with anybody just for the sake of it. I can see this causing problems because aside from SA I like my own space anyway, I havent been raised in a house with constant visitors - my mum and dad both kept to themselves mainly. Whereas from experience at my girlfriends house, her mum would let anybody stay over there. I dont think either is right or wrong, everybody is different - but will it be possible to find some middle ground here, or do I need to put the house on hold and see where my girlfriend is heading with this new little social adventure before making such a huge commitment. I texted her saying I was having doubts about the house, but didnt say why - shall I even bring this up tomorrow, or shall I just brush it off and not let SA get involved in my life???
I am about to buy a house with my girlfriend - and will be putting down £25,000 and she will be putting in £0.00. The mortgage will be joint though because we both have jobs. With house prices falling, it doesnt look like there will be a way out of this in a few years without losing my deposit - so if she bails out - I'm screwed. There could be an option to rent it out to cover the mortgage until house prices go back up, but even still this is a massive worry - I've never moved out before (terrible at 31, I know). I know this is not a great time to buy, but we really have no choice. I had a falling out with her brother because he is a disrespectful asshole - maybe he treats me like that because I am quiet, he thinks he can take advantage of me - long story but he takes, takes, takes - I do favours and he does nothing but disrespect me. So, it all came to a head a month ago since he has threatened violence because I took back a PS2 that I sold him, but never got the money for - so I am refusing to go to their house. Maybe he could take me out, maybe I could take him, I don't care to find out, I'm 31 - he's 21 and obsessed with how strong he is, how hard he can hit etc (funny I always beat him in arm wrestles) but seriously, I'm trying to live my life I dont need to be getting into a fight with some kid wether I win or lose it's hospital or jail, so neither result is good - that's why I detest violence and am staying away. So the only place we had to go was my house, my mum has her own problems and doesnt want us hanging about so she started on my girlfriend and a great big argument ensues, great - she is now banned from the house. I am 31 and my girlfriend is banned - we now have nowhere to go. We were planning to get our own place eventually but circumstances have forced it, we looked into renting - but to me that is throwing money away so we've been looking at houses and today we sorted the mortgage and put in an offer on a house we both really love.
Thats the situation, heres the problem. I am 31, she is 19 - this in itself is not a problem since I could pass for 23 easily. The age difference isnt a problem in terms of how we get along, we are on the same level (which doesnt say much for me) and we want the same things, marriage, home, kids etc. The problem lyes in her age and her needs Vs how my SA could affect it. I didnt actually realise this could be a problem, and in fact until today I would of considered myself well on the way to being recovered from SA since I have acheived quite a bit in my life over the last 5/6 years and although the anxiety is there in situations everyday, I have managed to stop it affecting my life - until today.
Now, usually when I'm with my girlfriend - it's just the 2 of us (no SA issues). Up until a month ago we would go to her house a lot with her mum and brother there (was never 100% relaxed with them but I coped), or we were at my house (no SA issues), or we were out and about. She has a few friends, mainly work friends or friends she meets up with if I'm at work - I met a couple of her friends and got on with them ok but she would only see them once a month or so. Basically they were never a big part of our life - now through work she has met an old friend that she has got really close to in the last month, in fact she sleeps over her house most nights after work coz they work together and her friend lives near to their work. Her new friend has got a lot of friends and they sometimes go out for a drink after work. Today was the first time I got to meet this friend of hers, I was a little nervous about it but figured I've come far enough I should cope. How wrong can I be, just when you think you've cracked it, SA rears it's ugly head and puts everything your doing into doubt!
So I go to this friends flat today, where there is her friends mum and dad and another friend so I am meeting 2 new women and 2 new men - great. I was ok to start with - I find I can blag it for a few minutes and then eventually I get found out - like one fuck up - one bout of "not knowing what to say" and in my mind the game is up, everybody knows I'm anxious about it, and I fall apart - was very long periods of silence by myself, not knowing where to look, staring at a wall, even finding in not knowing where to look I somehow end up staring at somebodies ass accidently! - My whole god damn past coming back to haunt me grrrrrrrrr everybody else will talk and talk -I'll think of sommit to say every now and then but they were at random points as I desperatly tried to freaking stay in the game - in the end I gave up and sat there in silence.
Also, I had suggested to my girlfriend that possibly when we get the house, we could rent out a bedroom to her friend - possibly. Not only has my girlfriend told her this, when we were chatting about the house - it seems the friend was already deciding which bedroom she was gonna have!!! and this girl is the one with all the friends - all coming over to my house? I don't freaking think so. Now don't get me wrong, once a month is fine, I dont mind visitors espiecally if I got a beer in the fridge on an evening. But I'm concerned at how close this friendship is in terms of how often my girlfriend is gonna wanna see this girl, they work together - aint that enough? it would be nice to move in, be alone with my girlfriend - and then have ocassional visitors - it seems to me like as soon as we get in there my girlfriend is gonna practically move this mob into our home!
When we walked out of there tonight, I gave the usual lines about "ah I was bored in there" and "I'm tired - you know I dont like to sit down for the sake of chatting". Then I tried to put my girlfriend off of staying there by saying "why do you sleep on the floor in her flat when you got a double bed at your house?" then I get home and ignore her text, then I answer the phone after the THIRD time she rang and was offish with her - and told her I might feel like having the day to myself tomorrow and not see her Sunday. So in that respect, the fact that I was anxious in there has had a direct result on my relationship because I was not only trying to put her off seeing her mate, but I guess I was trying to punish her for it.
I guess the problem here is that my girlfriend is now getting a bit too social for my anxiety to handle - maybe I need somebody more like me, somebody that doesnt mind being social with select people on select occassions, not somebody that wants a open house and will be social with anybody just for the sake of it. I can see this causing problems because aside from SA I like my own space anyway, I havent been raised in a house with constant visitors - my mum and dad both kept to themselves mainly. Whereas from experience at my girlfriends house, her mum would let anybody stay over there. I dont think either is right or wrong, everybody is different - but will it be possible to find some middle ground here, or do I need to put the house on hold and see where my girlfriend is heading with this new little social adventure before making such a huge commitment. I texted her saying I was having doubts about the house, but didnt say why - shall I even bring this up tomorrow, or shall I just brush it off and not let SA get involved in my life???
