Is flurting OK?

[Orlando]

Hi, everyone.

I wanted to ask anyone out there if they had any opinions about FLURTING. For me, it is a word that is taboo. When I was in grade school and high school, I got teased by a lot of girls. I don't know what hurt more the insults from my female or male classmates. There was this one whole group of girls that I was the butt of their jokes. They thought that I liked them even thought I didn't. They would test me, like walk in front of me or sit near me. If I looked in thier direction, then they would laugh, giggle, talk about me, and make their private jokes. I was just a teenager then so I was just getting around to fitting into my identity as a 'guy.' Well, it didn't go well. Actually, it sucked. I never really looked at myself as a 'man.' My view of religion when I was growing up didn't help either. I thought sex was dirty, something to be ashamed of.
Even now, with my current interest in Melyssa, I sometimes feel that I must be the perfect gentleman that means to just look at her in a pure light, not acknowledging her physical attractiveness to myself or to anyone else. It's this idea that I have of being a knight, being pure (kinda like Lancelot).
I have this guilt when I talk to any girl. I worry that they might feel that I'm trying to pick them up. It's like I'll just be talking to someone and then I'll think "Oh F&%$, I think she thinks I like her. What am I going to do? What if other people find out. They will think I just a jerk and no one is going to talk to me." Yuck.
I think this comes up because I posted a response to Modelfear. Now she is a model who has been photographed pages of magazines (and I am aware that she has a boyfriend! and I'm trying to date Melyssa so I not trying to pick her up.) For this whole weekend, I was thinking,"Oh my gosh, everyone on this website is going to hate me and think that I'm a lousy jerk." Oh man, I hate this guilt.
It gets in the way of me relating to any woman. I'm worried that I am offending them.
Does anyone feel the same way or have some advice for me?
Actually, I want to know what other people feel about flurting? What do you think it is? What is appropriate flurting? What is inappropriate? Is it OK to flurt with friends (just joking around, not really persuing any agenda, really just joking around!)?
What do you think? You would really help me if I can get your opinions. I need to change my perspective. Thanks

 

[MarCPatt]

Being nice and kind is not flirting

I kind of feel similar to you. A lot of times people think that you are flirting with them only when you are being nice and just trying to be friendly and kind. In person, I am not a flirt at all, but I know that some guys have thought that I was flirting with them, when I was just trying to have a friendly and platonic relationship. For some reason, some women think that I flirt with their men only because I talk to them. Though, I noticed that other women tend to get more jealous when I am looking my best. For that reason I try to dress very modestly. I just want peace. All I can say is to continue being nice to everyone equally, regardless of whether they are female or male, and not worry so much of what people may think. People think what they want to think. This is a two sided sword for us social phobics; being self-conscience is part of our problem, a problem that we need to overcome.

 

[Orlando]

MarCPatt,

Thank you for responding to my post. I feel better that I know that someone else feels this way too.

I was told by someone that the more that you hide another part of yourself, the more that part of you will fight its way out to be expressed. Although, I don't want to be known a 'flurt'. I know that eventually, I will have to flurt with someone (That current someone is Melyssa). My long-term goal is to eventually have and support a family. (It doesn't have to be with specifically with Melyssa but how can I support a family if I don't show/tell other girls that I like them in the first place.) Flurting is going to be an important part of my future if I am going to know what kind of woman I am most compatible with/ if other women will know if I am compatible with them.


Yiiieee! I'm so stupid sometimes because I get so logical, intellectual.

I understand what you mean. I want to 'keep the peace too." But I have to risk being called a flurt, if I am going to continue friends with women. Like you said, "You just may be talking to another man...and the woman becomes jealous." So I guess the same will happen to me also. I usually don't talk to women I'm attracted to (even if I don't want to date them) because I fear that people will think that I am only talking to them to have sex with them. (That's just nuts!) If I continue to think that way, I'll limit all my female friends to people who I dislike (That's just nuts?!?) Isn't that like reverse discrimination? (That's just nuts?!?)

Maybe I'm frightened being associated with the connotation of being a flurt. I feel like a flurt is a reckless person who hurts others for their own sexual gradification. I know that is not what I want. Like you said, I can't worry about proving that to other people (they are going to think whatever they want). I know what is in my heart....That should be enough.

I have a lot to think about.

 

[RagingBull]

There is nothing wrong with flirting. To me flirting is just being playful and getting to know the other person. My friends call me a flirt because I like to talk to people. It took me years of practice to get over of my anxiousness of flirting with people.

At some point you gotta stop worrying about other people´s feelings because flirting is fun. Don't worry about if she thinks you like her or not. When you flirt with a girl you are adding enjoyment to her life. If you don't flirt with a girl she'll may think you're being cold and unfriendly to her.

At the same time you don´t want to flirt in a way to lead someone on who may be attracted to you. A number of women, mostly single women, whom I flirted with thought I was interested in them when I was only interested in being friends. They ended up hating me for that and don't like talking to me anymore. I guess that's the price I pay for being an flirt, although it's something I stopped caring too much about.

I'm still to anxious to get too "involved" with people I'm flirting with. All my interactions with people are shallow. That's something I need to work on. Perhaps, I'll eventually get into a relationship.

 

[monica]

hey guys

one time i was being friendly with a guy on the net ,he was 27 year old and he wanted to come here and meet me,he said ; I will go to ur city but if we like each other ...what will you do for me?u will move to my city ?u dont need to study cause i cant give u anything u want
he wanted a serious relationship......

i wasnt flirting and he was creating his machista posesive love history!!!
he was angry cause i said No come on i never saw u in person before,crazy!

crazy........!

 

[Orlando]

Monica,

That is a very scary story. It's good that you didn't go!

 

[SomeGuy]

I can't flirt and I hate it. To flirt, you need to communicate by hints and clues, but I don't get hints and clues - only straightforward stuff. The difference between flirting and being harassing is essentially a matter of being able to tell when the other person is responding well or not.

At least, given my inability to pick up hints and clues, I can fantasise that women are trying to flirt with me all the time and I just don't notice. I don't honestly think that is what is going on, though.

My highest ambition with women is to be invisible rather than being irritating. I think I mostly succeed.

 

[Horatio]

The difference between flirting and being harassing is essentially a matter of being able to tell when the other person is responding well or not.

the difference between flirting and sexual harrassment is how good looking you are

I have seen "hot guys" flirt with girls in a manner that would result in me being slapped, abused or taken to court if I attempted it. yet because they are good looking they can get away with it and probably get laid

lol

 

[Fredscars]

The difference between flirting and being harassing is essentially a matter of being able to tell when the other person is responding well or not.

the difference between flirting and sexual harrassment is how good looking you are

I have seen "hot guys" flirt with girls in a manner that would result in me being slapped, abused or taken to court if I attempted it. yet because they are good looking they can get away with it and probably get laid

lol

thats probably because their image will imediately give them the stereotype of 'stud' and 'studs' are acknowldged to behave in a certain way and so their over indulgent behaviour is not taken badly. someone who does not fit 'stud' qualities will not be as understood clearly and so girls are more likely to be suspicious of your motives.