amn0270
New member
I am a 36yo male living in the New York City suburbs. I suffer from various things related to Social Phobia. The elements may be both the cause and effect. They include shyness, being Introverted, facial blushing, BDD aka Body Dysmorphic Disorder and general negative feeling about myself and my life as its become. I have never dated a day in life or even been out with a girl and while I find girls attractive I do not find them sexually attractive. But I do desire an intimate relationship with them. I didn't talk to the girls in school really and most of girls were always sorta repulsed by me in and generally didn't even want to interact with me. Not sure if this somehow shaped my feelings for them. I have no sexual attraction to guys either. Whats weird though is I have messed around with a couple of guy friends sexually when I was younger, though I did not have an attraction to them. I enjoyed the activities but never had any desire for an intimate relationship with them. I still desire those activities with guys but to this day still have no physical attraction to guys. Not sure if my desire for these activities with them comes from the fact that my only sexual contact was with guys and somehow the that conditioned my mind to only think sexually about guys or if I am really gay. So not getting a chance to sample relationships with women makes it hard for me to make that determination. I mean if I messed around with girls when I was younger maybe desire for sexual actvity might be steered toward them. So because of all of this I never dated and as I get older people are questioning why I am single more and more. Not sure what to tell them so I try and avoid social situation where it could come up thus making my sociall phobia worse. I also mentioned my BDD wich adds to problem issue. While I have various elements that bother me about my appearance the primary ones are that I have one eye that is crossed. Its called Exotrophia. It makes me so self-conscious that I avoid looking people directly in the eye. Had two surgeries as a kid to correct it and they made improvements but not enough. Its still quite obvious and people have made it pretty clear at times that they see it when I talk to them since many times they actually think I am a looking over their shoulder at something else and will ask me if I am talking to them. This makes it hard to have one on one conversations with people such as in a dating situation or job interview. My Facial Blushing issue also contributes to this. The other elements that bother me are my large nose and my slightly crooked teeth. I had braces as a kid but for some reason over the years my teeth shifted again and I have a one or two that really bother me. I avoid big smiles for this reason and sorta try to cover my mouth when I do.
There are other elements as well but you get the jist of it all. All of these things though have all but crippled my existence. I still live at home because I cannot afford to live on my own. I am computer tech but good jobs are hard to get for me because I am so uncomfortable, especially getting through the interviewing process. And even when I get through that part, the positions I apply for don't pay alot because the money in my field is in supervisory and management related positions and I avoid them because that means being a leader which I could never do. I don't have the confidence. In the last two years I started my own onsite computer repair business which I had been doing on the side but since being fired from my last job I decided I would try to go it alone full-time. While I have picked up clients I don't have enough to sustain myself much longer and if I was not living at home I would have had to give up a year ago. Getting the clients I need requires networking and joining business groups and things like that. All of these require socializing with strangers and talking to people and being confident and I am just to uncomfortable with that. So you see my SP and my low self-esteem have stalled my life. I am getting more scared about my future, both financially and emotionally. I don't want to spend my life alone and even worse alone and struggling financially.
Oh and before you ask, I have a couple close guy friends (Not the ones I messed around with when I was younger) who know some but not all of what I told you here and I do spend time with them at least once a week but I want more than a movie buddy or someone to go out to eat with. They have their own lives. Once is married, the other was engaged but that fell apart. He is currently is getting back into the dating scene.
But me, here I sit on the sidelines, with my life at a standstill and with an uncertain future.
Adam
Oh, if their are any girls here in their 30's from the NY/NJ area who might want to get to know me better, I might be open to that. I would really like to get a sampling of what its like to go out with a girl and would love to find a girl that understands what I am going through beforehand. Who knows, maybe we will be destined for each other.
There are other elements as well but you get the jist of it all. All of these things though have all but crippled my existence. I still live at home because I cannot afford to live on my own. I am computer tech but good jobs are hard to get for me because I am so uncomfortable, especially getting through the interviewing process. And even when I get through that part, the positions I apply for don't pay alot because the money in my field is in supervisory and management related positions and I avoid them because that means being a leader which I could never do. I don't have the confidence. In the last two years I started my own onsite computer repair business which I had been doing on the side but since being fired from my last job I decided I would try to go it alone full-time. While I have picked up clients I don't have enough to sustain myself much longer and if I was not living at home I would have had to give up a year ago. Getting the clients I need requires networking and joining business groups and things like that. All of these require socializing with strangers and talking to people and being confident and I am just to uncomfortable with that. So you see my SP and my low self-esteem have stalled my life. I am getting more scared about my future, both financially and emotionally. I don't want to spend my life alone and even worse alone and struggling financially.
Oh and before you ask, I have a couple close guy friends (Not the ones I messed around with when I was younger) who know some but not all of what I told you here and I do spend time with them at least once a week but I want more than a movie buddy or someone to go out to eat with. They have their own lives. Once is married, the other was engaged but that fell apart. He is currently is getting back into the dating scene.
But me, here I sit on the sidelines, with my life at a standstill and with an uncertain future.
Adam
Oh, if their are any girls here in their 30's from the NY/NJ area who might want to get to know me better, I might be open to that. I would really like to get a sampling of what its like to go out with a girl and would love to find a girl that understands what I am going through beforehand. Who knows, maybe we will be destined for each other.