Hi. I'm new on this board. Firstly I must say I come from a small country in middle Europe so my english may be not perfect. And if you think that this topic doesn't fit here (despite I've included some info about my anxiety or rather reluctancy to people) don't hesitate to move it away from here. I will be 23 soon, but last 20 years was a torment for me. So maybe I begin from the moment when I was born (despite of fact that real problems started when I was 3 YO). As a little child I had some strange phobias such as water, sponges (!), and coccolino bear (!!). But I don't think that affected my later life. The only thing that is a link between that period and my present life is a thing which I had for my not-related-by-blood godmother's feet (then in her mid twenties). At 3 YO I had a serious (now I know it really was) car accident. I broke my leg, and what is crucial in this I hurt my head, with brain damage. I spend some time in hospital, and through the following years I had a series of visiting many doctors (orthopedists, neurologists etc).
There are two important references to the present: firstly, after the accident, my family fed me with a lot of food. Before the accident I used to be a plump toddler, but after the accident I started gaining weight, what was continuing till I was 13 (to 220 pounds at 5'10''). Despite I dropped lot of weight (mostly because of stress during my secondary school only aided with gym workout) and now some people (mostly women of 35+ age) say that I'm very handsome i still consider myself as a fat disgusting guy (about 178 pounds at 6'1'') and keep on training 5 to 6 times a week (for two hours). The second thing what is connected with my accident is that we all wanted to forget about it. My parents' lose me for a while out of their field of view, and then it all happened, so they felt very guilty of that. So they were very glad when all the doctors were saying that my accident don't affect my life. But the medicine wasn't on very advanced level at that time, especially in my country. Despite positive diagnosis, I had some strange behaviours - being aggressive to family and other children (as an answer to bullying because of my fat) in the kindergarten and primary school, phobias such as disabled people, and underground train sound. Then during the later classes of primary school I started to have difficulties to speak with other children and I found it very hard to concentrate when I was trying to learn anything, and spend most of my time at playing the computer games (of course: no-friends or other interests). Despite Im not intelectually disabled (i will come back to that) during breaks I was spending most of my time with people with such problems, just because I wasn't feel that I'am worse or inferior to them. While my "normal" colleagues was starting to have a life of teenagers: girlfriends, parties etc. No, at that time I was laughing of it (probably to hide that In fact I also wanted to have such life) and thought that partygoing and kissing girls at the age of 13-14 is just stupid. So I hadn't so******e myself at that time.
When I started my secondary school there were no intelectually disabled, and because I didn't know 'the normal life of teenager' i found it really difficult to hang around with my new colleagues. I thought that they were laughing (partially truth) of me, and become very tense and uncomfortable when they were around. So I was spending my time alone: walking along the coridors or just sitting. It was hard to me to say a sentence to anyone of them, and avoided any encounters (eg. school trips). I think that could be a symptom of kind of phobia. I met some outsiders, but also didn't have much contact with them (because they also wasn't too outgoing). My results was rather slightly above average, but I felt dumber than everyone. I started to diagnose myself (only basing on reading articles about it) with asperger's (fact: when I had any interest it was ONLY one: at 10-15 I was interested at computers, mostly gaming, but also hardware, then started to interest at music, which lasts to this day. I know a lot of bands and even compose music, with a lot of appreciation from other people. Oh, I'm also interested at sexual paraphilias, but mostly those ones which i suffer from. There was a period I really wanted to get rid of my FF.) But I'm able to see other people's feelings and catch what they mean...) or intelectual disability. There were also rumors with my family life: when I was 8 my father started a parallel life with another woman (while still married to my mother) and for next years my mother was seriously ill, physically and psychically. It had really strong influence on my life.
There was (and still is) one 'common' thing in my life: Interest in girls. Yes, there were a lot of girls which i was finding attractive, but always I had real problem with talking to them. I just knew that I don't have anything to offer, other guys are 'better' than me - beacuse I knew I wouldn't had topics with girl after 5 minutes. The second problem was my fetish for female feet. Since ~8 years it is still getting more and more intensive, due to foot fetish porn movies which I've been watching since i was 15. It's ridiculosu, but I'm more into girl who wears long jeans and jacket BUT has bare feet than completely naked but with socks/heels/any kind of shoes on. Since some time the first thing which i think about when meeting a nice girl is 'Oh, i'd like grab her feet and do some creepy things with them". It's idiotic but now, (I still don't have any gf) I have kind of phobia - when I see an attractive girl the first thing which comes to my mind is "no, she is taken for sure, I have nothing to do with her" and give up before even starting. I keep on feeding my fetish, just because I recognize it as a kind of revenge to a girls which aren't interested in me now, and When i find one, i'd like to say 'you could interest in me earlier, when i was normal" (i assume i'm not able to have a normal sex, but it's only theoretician).
But continuing chronogically - I passed my school with a bad result (but enough for attend a university) of mature exam, so I hadn't gone to university, spending most of my time at home learning, and attended it next year, with almost 100% result of maths. Then i started computer science studies at one of the best universities in my country, but a) i found it very hard, and again felt dumber that people who understood this subject b) my social problems caused that I again wasn't able to talk with most of people (except one of the students from my secondary school and another girl again who I felt in love with). I get really depressed and visited psychiatrist. I dropped my studies, and spend another six months at home, recovering by taking anti-depression pills, which I think was a bulls-eye. Not close enough. I still had agressive behaviours, get stressed with daily situations such as visiting - for example - a post office or a doctor (my worst phobia since childhood). When i attended next faculty, psychology, for first months i felt very well because i thought that people like me. But they only were interested at my notes, because i was really good student. Again - they excluded me from life outside the university. Then I again got depressed, and even doubled agressive (i mean mostly verbal agression) behaviours at home. After one of them I was really sad, because i knew i can't control it. I also noticed that I have short (miliseconds) loses of my consciousness, for example during a talk, or classes. My parents for all my teenage period thought i was a bad tempered, egocentric guy, who doesn't accept when things don't go how he wants them to. I finally come with idea of visiting neurologist once again. My mother also thought about it, but we ALL WANTED TO CLOSE THE CHAPTER CALLED "ACCIDENT" and live normally, so that's why we all wanted to think that it was only my character, not a disability.
Tests of my brain showed that i have damage in one area. Neurologist prescribed me an epilepsy treatment, lamotriginum (in my country it has been since 2009), and despite he didn't say "it's epilepsy" i think I can call it like that. But what now: i'm at second year of not very forward-looking faculty, no friends, no girl (it's the biggest problem to me) and what is connected with that, a bunch of paraphilias - my fetish is now supported with two new: masochism (being trample by girl, worshipping and massaging her feet etc.). and to make it all 'realistic' I'm interested mostly in at least 6' (or even more, the best option is girl who would be taller than me) girls, of athletic (rather fit than muscular)build and strong enough to overpower me (It would be slave-mistress relationship). I consider paying for such service. I also think that my 'thing' for tall, strong girls may be connected with fact that all my life I've been feeling insecure - and such girl would give me sense of security... I think I don't need other people, just a girl to love and spend the rest of life with her. The worst is that i still think that this medicine is another misguided, because i don't see if i get better (according to my psychiatrist and neurologist almost ALL of my problems should disappear) despite people from my environment (family, psychiatrist) say that I'm getting better. I'm increasing my dose but still afraid that's not it. I'm less nervous than ago, I can name my feelings and emotions now, because it was one of my biggest problems - naming emotions and dealing with it. On the other hand I started to hate most of people from my university (apart from 3 girls who I started to hang around with during the first year), and really get angry when i must spend time with them. And i still can't deal with 20 years which i lost. I was imprisoned in my mind, without any idea what was going on.
There are two important references to the present: firstly, after the accident, my family fed me with a lot of food. Before the accident I used to be a plump toddler, but after the accident I started gaining weight, what was continuing till I was 13 (to 220 pounds at 5'10''). Despite I dropped lot of weight (mostly because of stress during my secondary school only aided with gym workout) and now some people (mostly women of 35+ age) say that I'm very handsome i still consider myself as a fat disgusting guy (about 178 pounds at 6'1'') and keep on training 5 to 6 times a week (for two hours). The second thing what is connected with my accident is that we all wanted to forget about it. My parents' lose me for a while out of their field of view, and then it all happened, so they felt very guilty of that. So they were very glad when all the doctors were saying that my accident don't affect my life. But the medicine wasn't on very advanced level at that time, especially in my country. Despite positive diagnosis, I had some strange behaviours - being aggressive to family and other children (as an answer to bullying because of my fat) in the kindergarten and primary school, phobias such as disabled people, and underground train sound. Then during the later classes of primary school I started to have difficulties to speak with other children and I found it very hard to concentrate when I was trying to learn anything, and spend most of my time at playing the computer games (of course: no-friends or other interests). Despite Im not intelectually disabled (i will come back to that) during breaks I was spending most of my time with people with such problems, just because I wasn't feel that I'am worse or inferior to them. While my "normal" colleagues was starting to have a life of teenagers: girlfriends, parties etc. No, at that time I was laughing of it (probably to hide that In fact I also wanted to have such life) and thought that partygoing and kissing girls at the age of 13-14 is just stupid. So I hadn't so******e myself at that time.
When I started my secondary school there were no intelectually disabled, and because I didn't know 'the normal life of teenager' i found it really difficult to hang around with my new colleagues. I thought that they were laughing (partially truth) of me, and become very tense and uncomfortable when they were around. So I was spending my time alone: walking along the coridors or just sitting. It was hard to me to say a sentence to anyone of them, and avoided any encounters (eg. school trips). I think that could be a symptom of kind of phobia. I met some outsiders, but also didn't have much contact with them (because they also wasn't too outgoing). My results was rather slightly above average, but I felt dumber than everyone. I started to diagnose myself (only basing on reading articles about it) with asperger's (fact: when I had any interest it was ONLY one: at 10-15 I was interested at computers, mostly gaming, but also hardware, then started to interest at music, which lasts to this day. I know a lot of bands and even compose music, with a lot of appreciation from other people. Oh, I'm also interested at sexual paraphilias, but mostly those ones which i suffer from. There was a period I really wanted to get rid of my FF.) But I'm able to see other people's feelings and catch what they mean...) or intelectual disability. There were also rumors with my family life: when I was 8 my father started a parallel life with another woman (while still married to my mother) and for next years my mother was seriously ill, physically and psychically. It had really strong influence on my life.
There was (and still is) one 'common' thing in my life: Interest in girls. Yes, there were a lot of girls which i was finding attractive, but always I had real problem with talking to them. I just knew that I don't have anything to offer, other guys are 'better' than me - beacuse I knew I wouldn't had topics with girl after 5 minutes. The second problem was my fetish for female feet. Since ~8 years it is still getting more and more intensive, due to foot fetish porn movies which I've been watching since i was 15. It's ridiculosu, but I'm more into girl who wears long jeans and jacket BUT has bare feet than completely naked but with socks/heels/any kind of shoes on. Since some time the first thing which i think about when meeting a nice girl is 'Oh, i'd like grab her feet and do some creepy things with them". It's idiotic but now, (I still don't have any gf) I have kind of phobia - when I see an attractive girl the first thing which comes to my mind is "no, she is taken for sure, I have nothing to do with her" and give up before even starting. I keep on feeding my fetish, just because I recognize it as a kind of revenge to a girls which aren't interested in me now, and When i find one, i'd like to say 'you could interest in me earlier, when i was normal" (i assume i'm not able to have a normal sex, but it's only theoretician).
But continuing chronogically - I passed my school with a bad result (but enough for attend a university) of mature exam, so I hadn't gone to university, spending most of my time at home learning, and attended it next year, with almost 100% result of maths. Then i started computer science studies at one of the best universities in my country, but a) i found it very hard, and again felt dumber that people who understood this subject b) my social problems caused that I again wasn't able to talk with most of people (except one of the students from my secondary school and another girl again who I felt in love with). I get really depressed and visited psychiatrist. I dropped my studies, and spend another six months at home, recovering by taking anti-depression pills, which I think was a bulls-eye. Not close enough. I still had agressive behaviours, get stressed with daily situations such as visiting - for example - a post office or a doctor (my worst phobia since childhood). When i attended next faculty, psychology, for first months i felt very well because i thought that people like me. But they only were interested at my notes, because i was really good student. Again - they excluded me from life outside the university. Then I again got depressed, and even doubled agressive (i mean mostly verbal agression) behaviours at home. After one of them I was really sad, because i knew i can't control it. I also noticed that I have short (miliseconds) loses of my consciousness, for example during a talk, or classes. My parents for all my teenage period thought i was a bad tempered, egocentric guy, who doesn't accept when things don't go how he wants them to. I finally come with idea of visiting neurologist once again. My mother also thought about it, but we ALL WANTED TO CLOSE THE CHAPTER CALLED "ACCIDENT" and live normally, so that's why we all wanted to think that it was only my character, not a disability.
Tests of my brain showed that i have damage in one area. Neurologist prescribed me an epilepsy treatment, lamotriginum (in my country it has been since 2009), and despite he didn't say "it's epilepsy" i think I can call it like that. But what now: i'm at second year of not very forward-looking faculty, no friends, no girl (it's the biggest problem to me) and what is connected with that, a bunch of paraphilias - my fetish is now supported with two new: masochism (being trample by girl, worshipping and massaging her feet etc.). and to make it all 'realistic' I'm interested mostly in at least 6' (or even more, the best option is girl who would be taller than me) girls, of athletic (rather fit than muscular)build and strong enough to overpower me (It would be slave-mistress relationship). I consider paying for such service. I also think that my 'thing' for tall, strong girls may be connected with fact that all my life I've been feeling insecure - and such girl would give me sense of security... I think I don't need other people, just a girl to love and spend the rest of life with her. The worst is that i still think that this medicine is another misguided, because i don't see if i get better (according to my psychiatrist and neurologist almost ALL of my problems should disappear) despite people from my environment (family, psychiatrist) say that I'm getting better. I'm increasing my dose but still afraid that's not it. I'm less nervous than ago, I can name my feelings and emotions now, because it was one of my biggest problems - naming emotions and dealing with it. On the other hand I started to hate most of people from my university (apart from 3 girls who I started to hang around with during the first year), and really get angry when i must spend time with them. And i still can't deal with 20 years which i lost. I was imprisoned in my mind, without any idea what was going on.
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