I'm too reserved - never fully relax with my friends.

[Alex_1]

I've always been someone who's had a small group of close friends, rather than a large number or friends/acquaintances - and I'm fine with that. That's the way I like it.

However, I've noticed that the friendships I have now are a bit less 'relaxed' than the ones I had when I was a kid.

I seem to have trouble being completely relaxed around my friends, even close and long-standing ones - there seems to be a certain level of 'formality' there that I can't seem to get rid of. While I'm perfectly capable of having good conversations with them, I've noticed that we very seldom joke with or tease each other. It's like a certain level of warmth, familiarity and real intimacy is just isn't there. I guess you might call it 'cordial' rather than 'intimate'.

Even when I see characters on a TV show joking, teasing, hugging or even arguing/fighting with each other, it often strikes me that I'm never quite that relaxed among my own friends. Something seems to be missing - I just can't put my finger on it.

(The problem largely disappears if I have a few drinks until my in-built 'formality' vanishes. However this obviously isn't a good long-term solution to the problem.)

When we're out in a group, I can't help noticing that my friends seem a lot more relaxed with each other than they are with me, so the problem is definitely me - it's not them. I'm still reasonably popular and I don't doubt that my friends genuinely like me - they seem to just make allowances for the fact that I'm much more reserved and introverted than they are, and they're cool with it. But I don't want to be like that, and it's frustrating to not be able to get rid of that very unwelcome 'formality' that seems to persist in my friendships.

I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this - that your friendships seem a bit more 'formal' (superficial?) than you'd like, and that your friends seem more relaxed around each other than they are with you...

 

[alex29]

ive experienced it too. in smaller groups i am much more included but if the group grows to four or five people even i get cast into the background.

i envy people who can open up to each other and feel comfortable doing it. its all i want, a true friendship. i feel like the friendships i have now are fake or underdeveloped

 

[Videotape]

i can completly relate. i havent felt comfortable with someone since i was i kid. in the end to make things easier on myself, i made friends with ppl i felt more superior than, but definatly not ppl the 'normal' me would have made friends with. unfortunatly now every single person in the world feels more superior than me.

 

[Alex_1]

ive experienced it too. in smaller groups i am much more included but if the group grows to four or five people even i get cast into the background. I envy people who can open up to each other and feel comfortable doing it. its all i want, a true friendship.

i can completly relate. i havent felt comfortable with someone since i was i kid.

That sums it up pretty well for me. I'm usually OK in groups of 3-4 people, but when it's more than that, the conversation tends to flow around me and I'm left a bit 'on the sidelines.'

Because I'm so reserved/aloof/quiet/whatever - although I certainly don't want to be - I feel like there's a certain intimacy/closeness missing from my friendships, that my friends seem to have with each other.

Someone once defined a "best friend" as "the first (non-family) person you'd call if you'd been busted for drunk-driving at 3am and needed someone to come bail you out." It got me thinking - by that definition, am I anyone's best friend? Would anyone call me in those circumstances? To be honest, probably not. I know my friends do like me, but I believe they all have a few 'closer friends' that they'd call first in an emergency before they got down the list to me.

I know my 'reservedness' (is that a word?) and inability to completely relax around my friends is putting up a barrier that prevents me from having really close, intimate friendships. It probably even stops me ever being anyone's best friend.

It's really frustrating... but it's good to know I'm not alone.

 

[Azahara]

answer

I feel the same like you, but I think my case is stronger.
If this fact makes you feel very bad and will increase. Perhaps you should wonder yourself what´s is about with your thoughts and your feelings, before, along, and after this situations. I think all is in our heads and the way we face things.
ASk questions yourself? ; for instance: That´s happens to me in all social situations? with people of any age? with girls or with boys, or both?

Good luck! :wink:

 

[ichiban]

I know my friends do like me, but I believe they all have a few 'closer friends' that they'd call first in an emergency before they got down the list to me.

yup. now i have a few friends that i really do feel close to - i don't know if it's a closeness that will last a few years down the line when we're all grown up and settled down, but definitely closer than a lot of my other friendships in the past. still, i wouldn't really be a "best friend" to any of them.

and i definitely feel the formality thing. i can be in a somewhat large group, or even just 3-4 people, and we can all be relaxed and joking and stuff. but if for some reason i end up with just one of them by themselves, the mood just turns weirdly serious and formal. awkward!

 

[alex29]

That sums it up pretty well for me. I'm usually OK in groups of 3-4 people, but when it's more than that, the conversation tends to flow around me and I'm left a bit 'on the sidelines.'

Because I'm so reserved/aloof/quiet/whatever - although I certainly don't want to be - I feel like there's a certain intimacy/closeness missing from my friendships, that my friends seem to have with each other.

Someone once defined a "best friend" as "the first (non-family) person you'd call if you'd been busted for drunk-driving at 3am and needed someone to come bail you out." It got me thinking - by that definition, am I anyone's best friend? Would anyone call me in those circumstances? To be honest, probably not. I know my friends do like me, but I believe they all have a few 'closer friends' that they'd call first in an emergency before they got down the list to me.

I know my 'reservedness' (is that a word?) and inability to completely relax around my friends is putting up a barrier that prevents me from having really close, intimate friendships. It probably even stops me ever being anyone's best friend.

It's really frustrating... but it's good to know I'm not alone.

intimacy is all i want from a friendship. just to be able to feel 100% comfortable with someone, not have to worry what they're thinking about you because you know they're enjoying spending time with you and everything. god what i would give for just one friend like that

 

[proudmummy]

Can totally relate to this thread. Lets hope we'll be able to remove that "barrier"...mine is quite a thick barrier!!!! :evil: