I'm scared of dating

[froghat]

I'm 27 and I've never been on a date in my life. I started having severe anxiety and panic attacks around puberty, so I've always had zero confidence when it comes to women. I really want a girlfriend, but I just don't think I could go out with someone without them understanding my anxiety problems. Especially now that I'm getting older. I think most women would probably run as fast as they could once they saw how awkward I was on the first date. I mean, maybe I'm unfairly putting everyone in the same box, but whenever I read or hear women talk about what they want in a guy, it's always "confidence" as the #1 answer. It kind of bums me out. I totally regret not dating in high school when I had a few chances to. For those of you who have girlfriends/boyfriends: How did you meet them? I just get the feeling most girls will be more understanding if a guy is an alcoholic than a guy who has social anxiety.

 

[dottie]

perhaps you would be more comfortable dating someone else who has anxiety, too. have you ever met someone from the internet? i'm not saying to look for a date on these forums but if you talk to a girl online, are honest about your anxieties, honest about yourself and who you are, THEN meet, then they will know about your anxiety ahead of time. you can weed out if they are going to be so superficial.

speaking as a female, although confidence can be attractive it isn't at the top of every girl's list. there are other qualities that are just as important such as honesty, kindness, loyalty, a good listener... things like that. don't give up.

 

[littleneko]

I think it really depends on the woman. Some people have little to no experience of self-doubt, despair or any kind of mental illness. Some others also don't but are open minded enough not to just dismiss you as crazy. Generally it's probably better to keep really personal stuff to yourself until you get to know the person and can gauge their reaction to any "weirdness" And I mean that in the best possible way.

It's true that women like confidence in a man, but if you fake it for a couple minutes when you first meet her she will pretty much always have that impression of you. I know that can be almost impossible for somebody with SA but the only way to get a girl is to put yourself out there. I'm sorry if all my advice (and i use that term loosely) is sounding totally obvious, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you take a few risks - eventually you will get a payoff and that will boost your confidence 100%

You are young and you certainly write well and come of as an intelligent human being. Don't feel like you've missed out on anything, as you are just at the age where many women are looking for something more serious, and will overlook the extroverted fools they dated in their teens and early twenties for someone who will treat them well and be a partner to them. I guess I don't really know anything about you and so I don't really know what kind of women you are interested in, so sorry if this is all just off base and useless to you..

I met my current bf at a bus stop. We were checking each other out then he came up to me and was very direct. We've been together for just over a year and as I've gotten to know him better I've discovered that he's not as self-confident as I first assumed. He took a gamble cuz he.. liked the look of me and it payed off. I am way too scared to ever approach somebody I'm interested in, so most of the people I've been with have been VERY confident, extroverted types. My first shy boy is awesome though, he's not as introverted as me and he has to be quite outgoing for the kind of work he does - but he's definitely not the frat boy type

Sorry for the long post, just wanted to write you a quick note and it turned into a gd novel.

Take care..

 

[Victor]

Hey, we are the same age. The mere thought of asking a woman for a date scares the hell out of me. I've tried in the past and I've only collected no's and bad experiences, so I try no more. If a girl asks me out (it actually happened once, but I made a moron of myself and I have never seen her again), I will go; else, I will sit alone in my corner. I'm not even angry about this any more.

 

[bleach]

froghat,

"There's a thousand things that have to happen, in order. We are on number eight. You're talking about number six hundred and ninety-two.."

You will just have to work yourself up to it. Read up on exposure therapy if you haven't already. You must make progress by gradually expanding your comfort zone. The situations you are worrying about are scary to you (and myself, I'll admit) because they are way beyond what yo are capable of now. Try to focus on the baby steps you need to take now, because you are in no shape to run yet.

 

[chris87]

I feel your frustration. I would be so awkward in a dating situation.

 

[froghat]

bleach, I agree. My first step is getting a job, so I get back into a daily routine again. I think once I start taking little steps towards a normal social life, stuff like this won't seem so scary. I guess it's because I'm way at the the bottom and just starting to pull myself up. It's depressing.

 

[madeup]

EVERYONE is scared to date on some level. I mean you're putting yourself out there for better or worse, it's scary.

The question is.... is it worth it? And I think it is.

... and I know everyone is scared because the last date I went on was with this BEAUTIFUL blond ballet/modern dancer and even though she came across as very confident when we first met... on our first date she was talking fast and fidgeting and acting really nervous. I loved it because it used to be me who was full of nervous energy so it was nice to be on the other side of it so I completely sympathized with her.