I'm new here, my story...

[sweet4certain]

I'm a 20 year old female and i'm currently attending college. I've been what you would call "Shy", as far back as i can remember. It wasnt until recently that i thought i may actually have social anxiety disorder. All through elementary school I was very shy, i had friends, but i would feel very very uncomfortable in certain situations with certain people, to the point where i would avoid alot of things so i wouldnt have to experience these intense feelings. I didnt have a terrible high school experience either. I have had one best friend since middle school who I am completely myself with and we are still best friends to this day. I thank god for her because she is very outgoing and was always the one who made plans for us and really is the reason i had a social life in high school. We talk at least once everyday. Another reason my high school llfe wasnt so terrible was because i guess you could say im attractive. I dont mean that to sound conceited so please dont take it that way! I did do some teen print modeling in nyc with an agency for a little while, but of course that ended cuz i couldn't really interact with photographers or agents and stuff and i was far to self conscious. I was always known as the really quiet pretty girl. And it just turned into a role that i played because thats what everyone expected of me. I really kept most of my feelings bottled up, but it would make me sad when i would hear people refer to me as being 'sooooo quiet'. I've had lots of male suitors but most usually give up on me after a while because i'm too insecure with myself to begin any sort of romantic relationship, although i desperately want a boyfriend! I feel that my social anxiety is worst with people i feel for whatever reason, inferior to. Whether it be people i view as popular, or people who have authority over me, like teachers, i get sooooooo awkward and it becomes a very uncomfortable situation. Its like I am 2 different people. Some people know me as this painfully shy and meek girl and some see me as i truly am, a fun person with alot to say. I went to college about 6 hours away from my home because i thought i would be able to start over in a way, or "find myself". But that backfired, the first 3 months I was hysterical crying on the phone with my parents everyday, wanting to come home cuz i felt so isolated. and despite my best efforts, i fell back into the roll of the 'quiet' girl i know so well. Somehow i managed to make a good friend that i still talk to, but after a year, i decided to transfer home. Now i have been at my new school for about 3 semesters, which is only 45 min away from my home, and i have felt so completely lost. I come home every weekend because the thought of going to a bar or a party makes me nauseous. Alcohol doesnt help me much either. I feel like such a loser that i cant build my own life seperate from my parents. I am scared that i will never be able to make it on my own and find a husband and have children which i so desperately want to do. I dont want to be alone my whole life. And i'm scared thats where i'm headed. Thankfully, i have a great family. My mom is like my other best friend and she totally supports me. My dad on the other hand thinks i need to get a grip. I don't know about you guys, but i feel like i can only become friends with a certain type of person. LIke i can sense if i will be able to be normal around them or not, i dunno its hard to explain. I started seeing a psychologist recently and it hasnt been long enough to tell if its helping or not. Anyway...sometimes i wish i could be someone else...cuz i hate where i'm at right now, and i feel like i'm going nowhere fast.

 

[renegade]

I feel very sorry 4 u. I know how it is 2 have nobody, and , most painfully, to not be able 2 make a boyfiend and have a normal family life and raise kids... :?

U see, SP sucks not because the fact that it gives you irational shyness, but of the concequences. :x

I for instance, fucked up this college semester, I failed so many exams cause I wasn't able to learn cause of depression and to think that I was a grade A student 2 years ago and I also managed to get a scholarship in the 1st semester at college.

U are heading in the rong direction allright, if u look at it that way. Think of it as a unleasant moment in your life. The weels spins, sometimes you're up, sometimes down. Now you're down and the will is still spinning, so....good luck. :wink:

I said the same about me at my 20 years old anyversary, that I will never be able to get a GF due to my extreme shyness and akwarness, but now I'm at my second GF and depressions comes only as a repercusion of last summer severe one. Having someone that loves u means a lot, belive me.

I got to admit the meds helped me a lot, and if u want 2 get a BF, use online dating, that's the way it was 4 me. You can't be the quiet girl on chat, so.....and one more advice....try 2 find a boy in your city cause that is where I fucked up my 1st relashionship.

We're here to help you, so you can ask anything

 

[Danfalc]

I dont really know what to say apart from welcome to the forums.And i can relate to how your feeling (specialy the heading no where fast ) as probaly does everyone in this forum.

Its painfull to live life with sa/sp, but as you say you recently thought that you may have social anxiety disorder, least now you know what the problem could be and can start working on beating it which can be done.

So yeah.. welcome and hope you feel like you can be your real self here.. as you wont be judged.as were all in the same boat more or less.

 

[Falcon]

Welcome to the forums. I can definitely relate to a lot of your anxieties and fears, especially the one about being anxious around people with authority over you and people you feel inferior to. As well as the whole going to a college away from home to try to re-make yourself (backfired for me too, lol).

What's great about your post is that you sound like you know at least partially what you want out of life (husband and children). That's a very positive thing.

I believe that all shyness starts with lack of self esteem. We fear other people because they judge us, and we feel they'll judge us negatively, and we can't deal with that because of our low confidence.

What has helped me greatly, recently, is doing affirmations and reinforcing positive thinking. I wrote down a paragraph or so of affirmations - things that I do well, things I'm good at, attributes about myself that I like. I read it many times each day (or repeat it in my mind, because I've memorized it now). It has defintely helped my confidence.

Also, I've tried to eliminate all negative thinking from my life. Every time I have a negative thought, I rephrase it as a positive thought. For instance, instead of "I look ugly" I'll change it to "I'm tall and have a great smile".

Even if it's not about me at all, but about other people, I fix the thoughts. I believe this is important, because if you think badly about others, you'll be more likely to believe that they'll think badly about you. Just the other day I was looking at this person and thinking "Man, what the heck kind of clothes is he wearing, that looks so ghetto". I caught myself and change it to "Hey, that's kind of a cool fashion. Variety is the spice of life. I'm glad he's confident enough to wear what's obviously outside the norm for this area".

If you become proficient at this, it will help a lot. It has definitely helped me.

But first, you must want to change and get better. I'm 27. I was trapped in a cycle of hating my social anxiety but not being able to do anything about it for 10 years. Sometimes, it's easier to just complain and feel depressed, because you don't have to DO anything about it. If you want to change and get better, write down your commitment to doing so, and read it with your affirmations.

Good luck & feel free to send me a PM

 

[DemonDayz]

You sound a lot like myself. I moved from a big town where I only had a few close friends (who are pretty social) and they've basically been my friends forever. Then I moved and told myself how I was going to be talkative, social , and makes shit loads of new friends... didn't work out well. After one year I didn't talk to anyone~ and this year I'm basically just now am, and have even met up with a few people outside of school (although I absolutely hated it.) Really sux, especially cuz I'm at the age (16) where your supposed to be socializing and dating, and as much as I want to, it just never works right. Definately feels like I'm goin' no where fast also :S

Guess all I can say is I hope things work out better for ya, and welcome to the forum. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or w/e~

 

[jayfan]

well welcome here - im pretty new here too. i just signed up last month . i was ignorant for awhile and i never thought women or attractive people could have sa but then i looked at the photo album and basically found out how wrong i was .


im quite sure nearly everyone in here can relate to your situation.
hopefully you can improve - me personally i always feel like im running in place.

 

[Baseball07]

i can relate to pretty much everything you said. what you said about not changing when you moved away scares me though :? . im in high school now and my hopes for the future sound similar to what yours were. move somewhere else and become outgoing and forget what im like now

well, hope it works out.

 

[sweet4certain]

hey thanks for the positive responses guys, it feels good to know there are other people who feel the same way i actually am about to leave my apartment for my painting class... but i will definately continue posting on here in the future, talk to ya'll soon

and another thing i wanna add.. some people think because someone is pretty or handsome that they must be this confident, assertive person, so when they come across someone who is quiet, they think that they are arrogant, stuck up and unfreindly rather then shy. And i am anything BUT those things. I wish people wouldnt be so quick to judge sometimes...

 

[rko74]

Hi

Hi Sweets , i can really relate to your feelings.I have had this problem for ages, i know what you mean about feeling comfortable and "normal" with your parents.Then feeling that "shy" person with people outside of the family.Im exactly the same way, i get quite fearful at times when speaking to people.At home with my parents on my normal jovial fun loving self, but when im outside i clam up and cant show my funny side.Its awfully frustrating to feel this way , isnt it? What has the physcologist been saying? {sorry for spelling lol }

 

[sweet4certain]

hey rko! well the psychologist is actually a Liscensed clinical social worker... haha i dont know what the difference is, but she was reccomended by family friends. I dont even really think she knows that much about social anxiety, but she is real easy to talk to and although sometimes i dont know what to say, for the most part i leave the session feeling better about myself. I have also recently started having an insomnia problem, so shes been a real help with that. She thinks i have a generalized anxiety problem because i tend to worry alot about things that are apparently irrational. She doesnt use CBT or anything like that, I basically just talk to her about how my week has been and tell her about anything that has caused me anxiety throughout the week, which is usually socially related. She also gave me homework, which was, as silly as it sounds, just to smile and make eye contact with people when i walk by them. Which seems like such a joke to regular people but to me its difficult! So i've been working on that. She says i need to take more personal risks, and she will help me to become more assertive in all aspects of my life.

Over the last few months i've been doing alot of soul searching. I've become very self-aware and think i've figured out the reasons behind most of the feelings i get. I had a realization the other day... what i realized is that, THIS IS MY LIFE!! This is it..right now, in this moment. I've been waiting 20 years for something better to start, and it hasnt! SO WHAT AM I WAITING FOR? no knight in shining armor is going to come and rescue me from myself. As much as i wish and hope for that, its not gonna happen. Who the fuck cares about what other people think. I am somebody and i am worth something. I cannot sit around waiting for things to happen to me. I have to start taking action and get on with my life, because if I continue to keep doing what i've always done, i'll always get what i've always gotton, which is nothing. In order for things to change, I have to do some work. I cannot remain a passive passenger in my own life. I have to be the driver, and hopefully, i'll end up where i wanna be. We only get one chance on this planet, so why are we letting our fears and inhibitions overcome us. We all deserve to be happy. Now the hard part is, taking this realization and actually making use of it in my life! lol

 

[rko74]

nice going

Well you got the right attitude about things , what things do you find difficult during the week? Is it ok if i ask what kind of job you do etc? I think im just fearful in talking to people, which sucks cause you cant be yourself with people you meet being so anxious etc.I have missed out on alot in life.Girlfriends, friends, graduation, parties etc.Maybe i can make up for lost time.

 

[sweet4certain]

well i'm a college student right now, I'm an art major. During the week i live at school in an apartment with a friend. But i find myself going home every weekend because i feel so uncomfortable going out to bars and parties.. so i ruin my chances of ever meeting a guy or making more friends, except for those in my classes. I guess the anxiety I feel during the week has to do with little individual social situations, for example, in my studio art classes we have these things called critiques. A critique is when everybody puts their artwork on display and each person has to pick another persons work that they like and talk in depth about it in front of the entire class. As you can imagine, this is a nightmarish task for someone with social anxiety. The night before i know we are going to have a critique i cant sleep because of the anxiety about what i'm gonna have to do, and people judging my work. This makes the actual critique a thousand times worse because i am so exhausted. I turn red and get flustered alot and it just makes it more embarrising. My teacher took me aside already and pointed out the fact that I am quiet and need to speak up more which makes me even more insecure so...ughh..yeah thats just one example of the anxiety i get during the week

 

[Falcon]

Over the last few months i've been doing alot of soul searching. I've become very self-aware and think i've figured out the reasons behind most of the feelings i get. I had a realization the other day... what i realized is that, THIS IS MY LIFE!! This is it..right now, in this moment. I've been waiting 20 years for something better to start, and it hasnt! SO WHAT AM I WAITING FOR? no knight in shining armor is going to come and rescue me from myself. As much as i wish and hope for that, its not gonna happen. Who the fuck cares about what other people think. I am somebody and i am worth something. I cannot sit around waiting for things to happen to me. I have to start taking action and get on with my life, because if I continue to keep doing what i've always done, i'll always get what i've always gotton, which is nothing. In order for things to change, I have to do some work. I cannot remain a passive passenger in my own life. I have to be the driver, and hopefully, i'll end up where i wanna be. We only get one chance on this planet, so why are we letting our fears and inhibitions overcome us. We all deserve to be happy. Now the hard part is, taking this realization and actually making use of it in my life! lol

This is a GREAT attitude. You will go far!

Can you tell me a little about the social interactions you have during the week? For instance, do you ever start conversations? Do people start them with you (say in class before it begins)? Do you have conversations with guys? Do you hold a job? Are there certain types of casual conversations you find more difficult than other types?

I think with a little bit of effort you can make some great strides. I've made strides myself in the last 2 months, and I'd like to help point you in the right direction.

 

[sweet4certain]

Hey falcon...thanks for wanting to help me figure things out... well as far as the social interactions go... yes I'm able to start conversations, but only with certain people. For some reason, there are certain people i feel more comfortable around then others. Whether its because i feel they are on my level, or as bad as this sounds, lesser then me for some reason, i feel sooooo much more comfortable with them. If i feel inferior in a situation, then forget it, i'm silent and awkward. Guys who i'm attracted to, i find it VERY difficult to communicate with. I can't show my true personality. Guys who i am not interested in, i have no problem talking to cuz i dont care how i come off to them...as a result of this, the ones i dont like tend to be the ones that pursue me...Sometimess with SA, it feels as though i'm walking around in a concrete suit. Meaning i feel like it is impossible for me to be open to people and really show my true self. Maybe it has to do with being afriad of being rejected for who i really am. If i don't allow people in, and they reject me, then i can't get hurt because they didnt get to know the real me. And sometimes, i feel i reject people before they can get a chance to reject me. Like i think to myself, "HAHA! i beat you to it, i pushed you away before you got a chance to reject me" ...its such a terrible way to be.

I absolutely HATe runnning into people i know when i'm out. Like in some instances, if i see someone i know, i'll hide or quickly turn and go the other way just to avoid having to talk to them. And if that person sees me avoid them then it makes me feel even worse about myself. And to answer your question, some people start converstaions with me, and i can hold a converstaion for the most part. BUt i feel as htough i come off as being cold, or uninterested and people are intimidated or afraid to appraoch me. And i have gotten fired from a couple of jobs. My father owns a business, so i can work there without feeling like i have to be miss social butterfly so i dont get fired. I have been a camp counselor for about 5 years. I seem to be good at working with kids, but i dont want to become a teacher because i fear I wont be able to communicate well with parents and other teachers and i will be fired. I am an art major now, because thats where my talent lies, but honestly i have no idea what the hell im gonna do with my life. I'm scared that i wont be able to hold down a real career because i cant communicate well. its so frusterating!

 

[Evanescent1980]

I am an art major now, because thats where my talent lies, but honestly i have no idea what the hell im gonna do with my life. I'm scared that i wont be able to hold down a real career because i cant communicate well.

Ever considered graphic (web) design?

 

[rko74]

reply

God i know how you feel, like the concrete block thing you mentioned.Do you find when your anxious you cant conentrate on what aperson is saying? I hate that feeling like you just want to crawl away into a hole lol.What ever happened with the modeling thing? I guess it would be difficult and you would feel extra self concious doing that kind of thing.You should post a picture of yourself, curious to see what you look like

But i really know how your feeling, i feel the exact same way.Perhaps these things are sent to challenge our character.Personally i have lived a real sheltered existance for a number of years, since like 20 or so.All i have done is stay at home and was too anxious and when i did try something i didnt stay long.But now i may have changed some, this class i am trying im attending ever day, albiet its only an hour in length.The class ends tomorrow so i will have to find something else to do, perhaps some kind of job training or something.But i feel really embarassed that i havent done anything with my life and situation with the SP for alot of years.

Funny im interested in art too, one time i wanted to be a comic book artist hehe.But i love everything pop culture related.

 

[Reholla]

Guys who i'm attracted to, i find it VERY difficult to communicate with. I can't show my true personality. Guys who i am not interested in, i have no problem talking to cuz i dont care how i come off to them...as a result of this, the ones i dont like tend to be the ones that pursue me...

welcome to my life! WHat you described is exactly my problem.

Happy people, people inferior to me, and guys im attracted to are all people I can't be myself around. It's so aggrivating, because in any other circumstance I would be drawn to those types of people and be compatible with them. That why Im hating my life right now. I'm choosing to surround myself with people I dont have much in common/not compatible with because I choose to. In my mind i dont really have a choice. I guess its because (like you said) I dont care, and I'm like I have nothing to loose, so I'll be myself.

Biggest fear: not having a husband....not having a successful job.

It's different if you choose to be a stay at home mom. Because in the back of your mind you know you could go out there and be successful, but youd rather stay home with your kids. But I actually want a career, so if I dont have one, it will be one more disappointment.

I know thats a long way down the road, I have no realy reason to worry about it now. Its just part of my anxiety...

by the way, I sent you a message about your other post. hope all the best for you.

 

[MrAnonymous]

sweet4certain:

Wow, so many things you have said apply to what I'm going through. Running into people I know when I'm out somewhere is probably my biggest problem. If it's a close friend, or as you said someone I feel isn't "superior" to me, I don't have a problem. But if it's someone I know who I'm not close to, ESPECIALLY a girl who I'm attracted to, I lose it. I'll try to avoid them if they don't see me, but if they spot me I'll feel like I have to say something to them so they won't think I'm "shady." The conversation is usually so ackward, and I feel like I have to be the initiator of questions so it doesn't become too ackward. I always end up saying I gotta go after a short time though.

As you also said, one of my biggest fears is not finding a wife. One of life's great pleasures is having someone to share your life with, and I'm scared I'll never be able to experience it. You only get one life, and I don't want mine to be lived alone.

I'm also scared that I won't be able to find a career. At 22, I still have plenty of time to find a career, but I'm always thinking about it because a few of my friends have good jobs already. I went to school for pharmacy and like you, i came home every single weekend because I didn't fit in socially. I didn't have any friends in college, only a few people I occasionally talked to. Now I'm going to a local college and my SA is worse than ever. I don't say anything in class and I really would like to have a conversation with a girl that I'm attracted to but I don't want to say anything stupid. As with your art critiques, part of a journalism class I had was to present your writings to the class a few times in the semester. I dropped the class before the first one because I would have been terrified.

Also like yourself I just started going to a counselor. He has given me some homework to work on. He told me that it doesn't matter what people think (Duh! I wish it were that easy to understand) and to advert my attention to something else when i feel anxiety in class. I have a positive outlook on counseling and hope it helps, but it's gonna take a lot of hard work too!

Anyway sorry for the long message. Hope everything works out and remember that all of us in this forum understand what's going on and are here to help. Feel free to PM!