cawny
Member
I do have a great sense of humor and conversation with my parents though, yet I can't tell them about my shyness/social phobia. Whenever they had any idea about my internet life, I would get mad at them and yell. No matter how much love they show me, I still yell at them once in a while and criticize them. I never talk about my friends, my marijuana usage with them. I always want to tell them everything about myself, but I never do because I'm scared to, and I'm afraid they would think I just need to stop being lazy and go out more with people. I would always say no to that, and not talk about the reason why. Sometimes I would make things up to avoid going out and I would always lie to my parents. I would never apologize to them or say I love you. Even though I always have fun and smile with them.
Everyday while I'm at home, I just sit on the computer, going back and forth on stickam, facebook, gmail, youtube, lolcat, newegg, stickam. I check to see if my stickam friends are online, so I can sit in the chatrooms and stare at people, and then make weird comments every once in a while in the room. I used to go on cam back 5 years ago when I was 16 on a program called eyeball chat, and I started there trying to look for girls mostly but talk to random people also. I was young and perverted and whenever I flirted with a girl there, I would assume they like me. I also thought that I could show. I did start there and met many cool people but mostly talked to the girls. I'm not a bad looking kid, but I always felt self-conscious and had to look perfect. I would constantly look in the mirror and fix my hair if it was slightly or very messed up. I would randomly go to the bathroom to make sure it looked perfect. I even did it for stickam, because I was always scared of their first impression, but they don't know me, so I eventually gave in and showed them myself. If girls didn't approve or compliment me, I would always feel bad inside. I was more immature and perverted back then, but it still continues today. Everytime I go on stickam, I make sure I look perfect and hope that girls would compliment me, then I would start becoming friendly with them, if they never complimented me, I would have trouble trying to start a conversation with them, usually only with the attractive ones. I like to look at myself constantly to make sure I look cute and make different facial expressions.
Sorry for skipping the story around so much, but I'll continue. So in real life, while I'm at home from school and college, I would only want to stay home and not go out. I would only want to stay on my computer to see who's online or flipping through websites and going on stickam. My parents would sometimes ask me to come to work with them and I would always say no, because I don't want to go out and see people that know me there and I'm also very lazy. I would constantly look at people's profiles on AIM that I know in person but not talk to any of them, instead I would constantly talk to the people I know from stickam. I would not want anybody I know in person to know about my stickam life. So sunday comes, and I go to church. Sometimes I try to avoid going, just so I wouldn't have to be around people and have to think about what to say. I grew up with these people my whole life and once they got to know me too much, I would sort of stop talking to them. I do have a couple people that I talk to a little bit, but only one-on-one with them. I could never say a word while I'm in a group. I always look at girls and hope they say something to me, but at the same time get nervous and don't know what to say back besides hello. I would always try to stand with a group of people or sit with a group of people so people won't think I'm so awkward or quiet. Then I would sit there either chuckling at their conversations and staring at everybody around me. But if there's a girl there, I wouldn't look at her if she looks at me. I would always look away. Then I would just drive my car back home and think to myself the things that I should've said. But that chance never happens, and if it happens later, it would end the same way. Whenever I see someone I know, it's usually only a hi or hey what's up, but nothing much else. I just constantly think about what I should've said in the group or said to the girl I look at.
When I'm back at college, I usually get high with my roommate everyday. I've recently been smoking weed for 4 months straight everyday. It first became a way to become closer with people, but then it turned into an escape from reality and I would smoke by myself and continue with my online world. He's only a little shy, so I can usually have 1on1 conversations with him, but still can't talk about my internet life. It's still hard for me to talk to my other 2 house mates but I still have fun with them once in a while. I always want to meet girls and go out and drink around them or get high but I never want to mention it. when I do go to parties, I don't really like to drunk too often anymore, but I just like to get high and hopefully a girl will talk to me and think I'm cute, which never happens because I always feel unapproachable or become so awkward when they're nearby or looking at me. I always go back unsatisfied and wish I could go back and change anything I've done or had a conversation with a certain girl. I usually them go back and continue my online life or watching porn when no one's around or watching, then go to sleep. I would always watch porn when no one is around or watching until I get bored of it which is very quickly. I would also do it before sleeping thinking about girls I know in person that I think looks attractive. When I go to class, I would usually never talk to my classmates unless I needed something from them like a homework assignment or help. I would constantly cheat and depend on people for help. I can never concentrate on reading because thoughts are always running through my head, so I have a lot of trouble studying. I then always like to look at myself in the mirror a lot and make facial expressions to myself.
I'll continue the rest of my story later, since I'm really high and tired. It's probably the only reason why I felt so bad about myself and had to find people similar to myself. I came on this website and read some people's stories and saw a resemblance of myself. So I needed to share my story with you all.
please reply if you can and tell me what you think
Everyday while I'm at home, I just sit on the computer, going back and forth on stickam, facebook, gmail, youtube, lolcat, newegg, stickam. I check to see if my stickam friends are online, so I can sit in the chatrooms and stare at people, and then make weird comments every once in a while in the room. I used to go on cam back 5 years ago when I was 16 on a program called eyeball chat, and I started there trying to look for girls mostly but talk to random people also. I was young and perverted and whenever I flirted with a girl there, I would assume they like me. I also thought that I could show. I did start there and met many cool people but mostly talked to the girls. I'm not a bad looking kid, but I always felt self-conscious and had to look perfect. I would constantly look in the mirror and fix my hair if it was slightly or very messed up. I would randomly go to the bathroom to make sure it looked perfect. I even did it for stickam, because I was always scared of their first impression, but they don't know me, so I eventually gave in and showed them myself. If girls didn't approve or compliment me, I would always feel bad inside. I was more immature and perverted back then, but it still continues today. Everytime I go on stickam, I make sure I look perfect and hope that girls would compliment me, then I would start becoming friendly with them, if they never complimented me, I would have trouble trying to start a conversation with them, usually only with the attractive ones. I like to look at myself constantly to make sure I look cute and make different facial expressions.
Sorry for skipping the story around so much, but I'll continue. So in real life, while I'm at home from school and college, I would only want to stay home and not go out. I would only want to stay on my computer to see who's online or flipping through websites and going on stickam. My parents would sometimes ask me to come to work with them and I would always say no, because I don't want to go out and see people that know me there and I'm also very lazy. I would constantly look at people's profiles on AIM that I know in person but not talk to any of them, instead I would constantly talk to the people I know from stickam. I would not want anybody I know in person to know about my stickam life. So sunday comes, and I go to church. Sometimes I try to avoid going, just so I wouldn't have to be around people and have to think about what to say. I grew up with these people my whole life and once they got to know me too much, I would sort of stop talking to them. I do have a couple people that I talk to a little bit, but only one-on-one with them. I could never say a word while I'm in a group. I always look at girls and hope they say something to me, but at the same time get nervous and don't know what to say back besides hello. I would always try to stand with a group of people or sit with a group of people so people won't think I'm so awkward or quiet. Then I would sit there either chuckling at their conversations and staring at everybody around me. But if there's a girl there, I wouldn't look at her if she looks at me. I would always look away. Then I would just drive my car back home and think to myself the things that I should've said. But that chance never happens, and if it happens later, it would end the same way. Whenever I see someone I know, it's usually only a hi or hey what's up, but nothing much else. I just constantly think about what I should've said in the group or said to the girl I look at.
When I'm back at college, I usually get high with my roommate everyday. I've recently been smoking weed for 4 months straight everyday. It first became a way to become closer with people, but then it turned into an escape from reality and I would smoke by myself and continue with my online world. He's only a little shy, so I can usually have 1on1 conversations with him, but still can't talk about my internet life. It's still hard for me to talk to my other 2 house mates but I still have fun with them once in a while. I always want to meet girls and go out and drink around them or get high but I never want to mention it. when I do go to parties, I don't really like to drunk too often anymore, but I just like to get high and hopefully a girl will talk to me and think I'm cute, which never happens because I always feel unapproachable or become so awkward when they're nearby or looking at me. I always go back unsatisfied and wish I could go back and change anything I've done or had a conversation with a certain girl. I usually them go back and continue my online life or watching porn when no one's around or watching, then go to sleep. I would always watch porn when no one is around or watching until I get bored of it which is very quickly. I would also do it before sleeping thinking about girls I know in person that I think looks attractive. When I go to class, I would usually never talk to my classmates unless I needed something from them like a homework assignment or help. I would constantly cheat and depend on people for help. I can never concentrate on reading because thoughts are always running through my head, so I have a lot of trouble studying. I then always like to look at myself in the mirror a lot and make facial expressions to myself.
I'll continue the rest of my story later, since I'm really high and tired. It's probably the only reason why I felt so bad about myself and had to find people similar to myself. I came on this website and read some people's stories and saw a resemblance of myself. So I needed to share my story with you all.
please reply if you can and tell me what you think