I'm falling into a hole again.

[Plissken]

I haven't had a job for a year now. And my whole thing right now is that I was going to weekly therapy sessions and all of that. I have to be doing something or my mom would kick me out. This kind of fills the void of not working or going to school. The sad thing is that I was mainly going just to placate my mom. I never got used to going to therapy and I always hated it. Well about a month ago, the receptionists had already left and I was supposed to call in an appointment but I never did. The anxiety of having to call in beat out me scheduling another one while I was there. I keep putting it off. It's been a month now, I don't even know if I could call back there and pick up where I left off. Now I've become incredibly anxious all the time because I'm worried about my mom finding out. And if I do this long enough she IS going to find out, but I still can't pick up the phone and call. Not to mention after all the time I'm just embarrassed about going back there. It's just embarrassing that I haven't made any real progress at all, I don't know if I can face my counselor. Not to mention the prescription I had I missed taking for a week and now it doesn't even work anymore. Was it just a placebo? I'm too embarrassed to tell my doctor it wasn't even working. I haven't left the house for a month except where I pretend to go and I just drive around places.

It's like when I dropped out of community college and never told my mom and kept pretending like I was going and I was a nervous wreck the whole time. Eventually she found out and exploded at me and forced me to get a job. Even then I sucked shit and only really got one because she had a friend and pretty much got it for me. Then I stopped going to that and then another job and spent nearly a year doing nothing until she set up these therapy sessions. But now I've betrayed her again. I stopped going and I'm lying to her about it. I'm a horrible person. I wish I could stop doing these awful things to her.

I've thought a lot about suicide, but after all the terrible things I've put my family through, this would be even worse.

I'm a failure. I wish I never had to be this huge burden on my mother. I wish I could have a place of my own and never have to work or see anyone. I wish I could truly step out of society and live by myself. I don't care about having friends or having a normal life any more, I just hate what I do to my mom, I want to be gone and stop messing up her life.

Then I come to this forum that I only post things in when I feel bad and cry for sympathy and never help anyone else with their problems. I'm the worst.

 

[NothingElseMatters]

i don't think that you are the worst, cause i am the worst and i want my title back 8) i really understand how you feel cause i used to feel like a burden to other ppl too and i felt so bad sometimes that i couldn see the reason why i should continue to be one! but the thing is that it's not your fault that u are how u are or you act how you act,it's the anxiety and if it wasn't for anxiety you would help lots of ppl in here..there is a diffrerence beetween you and the anxiety! and i think anxiety is what is making u see that there is no hope.so you should do everything that you can before giving up.i think therapy is one of the most important things and you should do it not for your mom but for yourself.and while u become better you will see that u do not only helpyourself but your mom too!maybe you should be honest with her and tell her the truth.it would be much better than just finding out.i am sure that if you talked and tell her exactly how u feel she would understand. ppl usually suck 8) but they can be very understanding too sometimes

 

[villacjs]

I kind of know how you feel. My advice would be to tell your mum you have SA/SP and that is the reason why you can't make the call. Think about seeing another mental health worker if you don't think the therapy is working. I went to a psychologist for around 1 year the therapy worked only while is was in therapy nothing in the real world. Going on meds for me was a step in the right direction, so try going to your doctor for advice. Don't think your mother is angry at you all she wants is for the best thats why she wants you to go to college and/or get a job as this benefits you, its logical.

If I were in your shoes I would print out what you wrote on this thread and hand it to your mother. Secondly, the therapy doesn't seem to be working so I would go to the local doc and get meds, you should go with your mother so you can establish a plan to set in play. Finally educate your mother about social phobia by directing her to mental health websites, there are plenty of government websites that can help.

 

[Slothrop]

The problem you have in front of you, no matter how hard it feels, is a simple one: making an appointment.

All that other stuff is your anxiety giving you reasons to put that off, avoid it, ignore it, and further shrink your comfort zone. Don't let all that weight rest on what is at it's root a very uncomplicated (if difficult) task. It's hard enough to do without all that pressure: it isn't going to get any easier if you're adding more anxiety to the situation.

First you want to remove the pressure and focus on the task, then you want to find ways to reduce the anxiety about the task itself enough that you can get it taken care of.

If calling in is too hard, would it be easier for you to just walk in and schedule a new appointment? You've been there before, you've done that before. Even if it's still a little uncomfortable, you've managed fine in the past. Why should this be any different?

Or would it be easier to ask your mom to call for you? She ought to want to help with something that for her probably isn't much trouble. Even if it means admitting that you've gotten off track, it would also be a great time to show how committed you are to actually improving. I mean, the reason you want to even go to therapy is so that stuff like this won't be so hard and that you won't have to depend on her anymore, right? You should be proud of that, not embarrassed.

Consider also that your therapist and the receptionists are used to dealing with "crazy" people that might have trouble calling or showing up. You may be embarrassed, but they aren't going to be offended or berate you for it. A therapist may ask you about it, but the point of that is to acknowledge that that is part of the problem and help you deal with that, not to make you feel bad about it.

The point is to get the thing you need to do done. Solving everything else is not something you can do in a day, but making this appointment can be.