shrinkingviolet
Member
I hate myself so much right now.
I work for my dad, taking care of the payroll and payments and other admin duties for his business. Today, I made a bunch of mistakes on a few employee payslips (the paper we give to employees telling them how much their salaries are) and a few employees were livid and in turn dad was angry at me. This is not the first time I made a mistake like this. A few weeks ago I paid someone waaay too much by mistake, luckily the person gave it back but it was a terrifying experience that was just sooooo stupid and unnecessary.
In my defence, I didn't study bookkeeping or anything like that and the only reason I'm doing this job is because I lost my job as a writer. The truth is, though, that the job is not that hard and everything could have been avoided by simply double checking. But doing a job I hate combined with dealing with depression and anxiety is taking a toll on me. I'm overpaid for doing a job I suck at which only makes me shittier about myself. I spend all my spare time trying to start this side business and, in hindsight, that's why I'm such a scatterbrain. I just want to nothing all day, everyday.
This whole thing is made worse because I have so much anxiety around my father. I NEED his approval. I hate making mistakes under the best of circumstances and thats extra worse when its with my father.
I feel like such an idiot. For making those mistakes. For being in a situation where I have to live with my parents (I could've made some wiser decisions). I just hate everything about myself - the way I don't follow through on my plans, how I keep making the same mistakes, ALL the poor decisions in my past, because I'm so stupid and lazy, being spineless. God, I feel like such a waste of space.
Anyways, I don't have anyone else to vent to so I decided to put it out here.
I work for my dad, taking care of the payroll and payments and other admin duties for his business. Today, I made a bunch of mistakes on a few employee payslips (the paper we give to employees telling them how much their salaries are) and a few employees were livid and in turn dad was angry at me. This is not the first time I made a mistake like this. A few weeks ago I paid someone waaay too much by mistake, luckily the person gave it back but it was a terrifying experience that was just sooooo stupid and unnecessary.
In my defence, I didn't study bookkeeping or anything like that and the only reason I'm doing this job is because I lost my job as a writer. The truth is, though, that the job is not that hard and everything could have been avoided by simply double checking. But doing a job I hate combined with dealing with depression and anxiety is taking a toll on me. I'm overpaid for doing a job I suck at which only makes me shittier about myself. I spend all my spare time trying to start this side business and, in hindsight, that's why I'm such a scatterbrain. I just want to nothing all day, everyday.
This whole thing is made worse because I have so much anxiety around my father. I NEED his approval. I hate making mistakes under the best of circumstances and thats extra worse when its with my father.
I feel like such an idiot. For making those mistakes. For being in a situation where I have to live with my parents (I could've made some wiser decisions). I just hate everything about myself - the way I don't follow through on my plans, how I keep making the same mistakes, ALL the poor decisions in my past, because I'm so stupid and lazy, being spineless. God, I feel like such a waste of space.
Anyways, I don't have anyone else to vent to so I decided to put it out here.
