Idealistic

[danisky]

I've been told several times that I tend to have an idealistic perspective on love. I always end up having a crush on someone and putting them on a pedestal; in my eyes they have no flaws. I've only had two crushes in my life; I'm not the kind of girl who likes a guy just because they have a nice body, actually, the two men that I've had a crush on didn't attract me at first. It mas getting to know them that suddenly changed my impression of them. In the end, I always end up liking them in every possible aspect, to me they're perfect.

The problem is, I like guys who I'm sure (and I'm talking 100%) that I can't get. so, I might think about them, try to envision myself with them, and just be happy with my perfect fantasy. I'm comfortable with that because I'm sure that I will never have to deal with them, it's not like they'll ever like me back, and so...it's safe. There's no rejection, no trying just to fail in the end, nothing.

The thing is, I'm so used to living in a world where I don't have to deal with someone liking me back that I didn't know how to react to a guy asking me out once. He was a nice guy, but I wasn't sure if he wanted to go out as friends or as something else. Suddenly I wasn't in my perfect "fantasy bubble" where I imagined myself as a perfect girl with the perfect guy. I saw myself as inadequate and even though I actually could have had a nice time with him I started to avoid him just so he wouldn't ask again (which he did, online, several times).

In the end, I was a total bitch (even I accept that and regret it so much) and just eliminated him from my contact list and made sure not to answer the phone when he called. He can find a girl a million times better than me; if I had gone out with him he would have realized that I'm not who he expected me to be, and I just couldn't handle that.

Anyways, sometimes I just think that I'll always be stuck in that fantasy bubble where I don't have to deal with anyone's feelings towards me...and it's starting to get to me, but I just can't see myself as worth it.


sorry for any grammar mistakes, english is not my native language.

 

[SickeningJoke]

A huge key to happiness is the act of accepting reality. Denying reality leads to ultimate suffering (trust me, I've been there). You can't change anything until you first accept that "it is, the way it is". Living in a fantasy world might be fun for a while, but it won't change reality.

So once you've accepted your situation, you can decide to make changes. You see yourself as inadequate. Okay, what would you be like if you were adequate? Make a list of the qualities that you would have if you saw yourself as adequate. These are your goals. Some might be (hypothetically) to be in good shape or to be confident.

Then do some research and figure out how you can reach these goals. Arrange them from short term to long term, and make a specific course of action that will let you reach your goals. Stay strong and keep us posted.

 

[Riiya]

[Gone for good.]

 

[danisky]

You remind me a lot of myself.

I wish there was some way to skip the dating process and go straight to the wedding day. It's terrifying as hell, the uncertainty of a happy ending.

Ahh please yes. The whole idea of dating sucks. No one go on dates in my country...I mean, if you go out with someone, no friends involved, you're probably GF/BF already. That's how it works there!! There's no going on a date to see if maybe I like the person.

That cultural difference summed with my own insecurities will condemned me to be eternally single.

Obviously, I also need to read that book.

 

[danstelter]

I saw myself as inadequate and even though I actually could have had a nice time with him I started to avoid him just so he wouldn't ask again

It sounds like you have low self-esteem. I would begin working on that by improving the parts of your life that you think are inadequate. Most of all, change your thinking. Everyone has something wonderful they can do or contribute to society, but many people don't realize it.

Living in a fantasy world means that you are too scared to live in a real one. The next time a guy asks you out, go out with him just for the experience. If you don't like him after the first date, that's fine; nothing requires you to continue to see him. I used to do the same thing where I felt more comfortable with my fantasies than the reality. The cure for me was experience. Some dates were horrible (but funny after the fact), and some were quite fun, and now I am with a great girlfriend!

So, work hard on living in the now and on earth, not in your fantasy world. Although it may be uncomfortable at first, you will be much happier in the long run if you choose to live a real life!

 

[danisky]

Giving up my fantasy world might probably be the hardest part. I live literally es a hermit, so there's not much to look forward to each day and, consequently, I rely on fantasy to fill the nothingness that my life has become.

And the low self-esteem issue has always been a constant in my life. I've just never been the "best" at anything. There's always someone smarter, prettier and funnier than me. I just have to look at my relatives and I'll find someone who surpasses me in every level. It's hard for me to comprehend why someone would choose ME especifically, having so many other girls to choose from.

It's hard to just change the way I think; I really want to, but the pessimist in me always prevails. Plus, the life I'm leading is hindering me from seeing the positive parts of me. It sound depressing, but that's how it is for me.

 

[danstelter]

This might sound weird, but I would to tell you "good job" because you really know and understand yourself and why your life is the way it is. The hard part is actually changing it.

Giving up my fantasy world might probably be the hardest part. I live literally es a hermit, so there's not much to look forward to each day and, consequently, I rely on fantasy to fill the nothingness that my life has become.

The escape into fantasy therefore makes sense. I'm not saying that all fantasy is bad. A certain amount of fantasy is very normal and very good to have in your life, but your level of fantasy has come to the point where you would rather have fantasy relationships than real ones, which is not good.

And the low self-esteem issue has always been a constant in my life. I've just never been the "best" at anything. There's always someone smarter, prettier and funnier than me. I just have to look at my relatives and I'll find someone who surpasses me in every level. It's hard for me to comprehend why someone would choose ME especifically, having so many other girls to choose from.

The nature of life is that rarely is anyone ever the "best" at anything. There are billions of people in the world all working and competing to do their best, and it is difficult for any person to be the "best," like Michael Jordan at basketball, for example. I had a hard time with not being the "best" too. But, what I did, was I kept working hard at different things that were interesting and fun to me like sports, recovering from anxiety, videogames, and managing money, and eventually I found, after very many failures that I was pretty damned good at what it was that I was doing. I may not be the best in any area, but I feel good about my personal skill level. I would recommend that you identify things that you find fun/interesting and devote lots of time to them. Like, if you enjoy writing, write a lot and enter contests. If you enjoy reading, read lots of different books and then show off your knowledge to your family and friends so that you become the expert! So, take whatever it is that you enjoy and work hard at it and eventually you will look like an expert, and the "best" in your family! Don't expect success right away; it will take a couple years or so to really finely hone your skills and knowledge.

It's hard to just change the way I think; I really want to, but the pessimist in me always prevails. Plus, the life I'm leading is hindering me from seeing the positive parts of me. It sound depressing, but that's how it is for me.

This is very hard, but you can do it! If you need someone to talk to talk to people on this forum when you are having a hard time. Or, make new supportive friends who will talk about this stuff. If that is not possible or too difficult at this point, try to find a counselor (I used counseling once for 3 months and it helped a ton!!!) because counselors are skilled and experienced with this type of situation. You can change your thinking and it will change as you gain skill and expertise at whatever hobbies it is that you choose to pursue. The key is commitment, dedication, and patience because it will take some time to get things to change and head in the right direction again!

Send me PM's/posts if you need further assistance!