I want to change but I'm ashamed of the past

[milo2020]

Sorry if this is long and I know I probably sound pathetic but I cant stop thinking about what I did in the past..each time I think about it I feel low and angry at myself, I just like advice on what to do..


Firstly, about 4 years ago after leaving college I was feeling low, angry and jealous , I had this huge self hatred towards myself, people thought I was wierd, I couldn't make any friends, because no matter how hard I try people were two faced, scamming me and annoying me, I did silly things in college, like try to get drunk (but people thought I was an idiot, especially when I went sick in front of dutch students who were visiting our college...
my brother always called me cut lip and a wierdo, my dad who is very old fasioned would always moan everytime I did something wrong on the farm, as if I'm meant to know everything after leaving college,..

I acted like a total wimp and a loser in highschool and that's the image I given to people.
.I never knew what was wrong with me or why some people thought it was fun to make fun of me..maybe it was the cleft lip and wierd nose I don't know, or maybe it was the habit of being quiet..
I kept getting prank calls by someone who keeps telling me he's been seing my mom, and making fun of me, pretending to be the college head,that started after giving my number to someone who I thought was my friend but a big mouth two faced person...

Anyway...

There was this time, this boy who knew me from school, he was a "chav" he kept annoying me, going in front of the car and just staring at me in the middle of the road like I was inferior..days later I hacked he's Bebo account and said horrible things about him and to he's friends and classmates who treated me like a reject in school, including my profile I wrote things that certain people would tell me in the past (that I'm stupid wierdo useless etc. that I don't deserve to live etc.) I know I shouldn't have done that, I just wanted them to feel pain because I fealt they were all better than me and that the whole world was against me

I don't know if they knew it was me, but I think I may have made it obvious, I copied someones profile into mine and it says that that person hates chavs on the dislike section not sure if someone read it

Some guy who was a chav himself would always write to ask how am I, and wanted me to come down to town for a pint...(he's now a local hardman and has been to jail now and then) but because I was paranoid I replied to he's text talking about being sued by Vodafone, (guilty concience) since then he never contacts me...did he know? ...

since I did thoes things, people who never talked to me would add me on Facebook, many of them much younger or older than me, and some would laugh at me or just look funny at me in the streets,
I also acted a snob to some people especially some girls who thought I was a losser in school...and not just them a few people who I thought dislike me...it wasn't because I thought I was better than them, but because I thought I was inferior to them

I don't know why I did it, it was just a moment in life I can never explain properly,
I wished someone could kill me etc. just jealous and angry at society and myself....I was childish and immature...

I met one of my classmates in town yesterday, he was usually jolly before, we used to be close friends, but he just passed he did say hi, and fake smile and rushed off....do people now think I'm mental?


I cant stop thinking about what I did, and I feel like an idiot, and that everyone hates me....would it be a good idea to go down to the pub on Saturday night and tell them...it was me and apologise? or is it too late now?
But it's not just that either....just moments in my life I look back and I damn myself wishing I never did that wishing I never said this etc. wishing I could have proven people differently...even now, when I was on holiday with my mom I nearly got scammed, even here when I talk to people I always say silly things, or just look like I'm thick...

I'm 23 and I just feel scared of one day being alone for ever..

Is it possible to change my life around and just go out there and talk to the locals or do people still remember (or know) what I did? or who I was? because I remember sending that text (which took two meassages) writing those stuff all the silly things I said and done in school and college and after that..

 

[Foxface]

I thought about changing myself a few times, I tried but it never worked out. Don't forget, I live with a curse that runs my life and is in complete control. It can do things, that is out of my hands.

I think about God, sometimes I tell the curse to go away in the name of Jesus Christ, and it works for a little while. I want to beleive in God, I try, but the curse has me cut off from God and the world. I tried praying and asking God for forgiveness and acceptance. I don't see or feel anything different.

 

[Nathália]

You're not a total wimp or loser. People in highschool are just really mean and write off those who are not like them.

You were frustrated and most of us have done or said things we may in the moments we're stressed. It's part of growing up and looking at those things as a lesson to grow. It does seem out of your character right now because you're expressing your emotions of regret for hacking that persons account.


I totally understand, I feel the pain. I used to be picked on so bad and when I stood up for myself I would be ganged up on etc. They're not important. Really they are not. You're a wonderful human being and sorry you're being treated this way. Leave those people in the past unless they're willing to accept you.

If no one is willing to sit down and know you without making mean judgment's about you, that's their issue. Sorry your old "friend" did that, that seems very painful. It's okay, people just don't like people and their does not need to be a specific reason, i'm sure you know that we can't make everyone happy. Just putting it out there.

I hope you find a good way to not let the past get to you and I know it's a really hard thing to do.

 

[weberriver]

Beleza is right. I'm sure every one of us has stories of when we've overreacted to other people's behavior, or the flip-side, didn't stand up for ourselves at all. It's all rooted in self-defense, and though you may feel bad about these things now and think you were being "childish", just remember that at the time you were only trying to protect yourself. Maybe you didn't choose the right method, but like any mistake, take it as a lesson for the future. And most importantly, forgive yourself. It's not easy to know the "right" way for dealing with someone else's cruelty.

As for apologizing to people, that's up to you. Truthfully, even though these events are burned brightly into your mind, others might not really remember them as much. And yet your apprehension might be causing you to project your own emotions onto their behavior, thus making you believe that they still hold a grudge. Is it important to you to have these individuals in your life, or is it more because you feel like you were "bad" and you want to clear that up? If it's the latter -- hey, don't forget that they've got some apologizing to do themselves! In your shoes I guess I would just attempt to be more approachable to these people, give them a chance. And if things got on better footing, and I was willing to forgive them for their actions against me, then maybe I'd consider drudging up old events and do my own apologizing.