I WANT to be sad

[qipuqipu]

I know this might not make sense from the off, it's late and I'm tired and so... but anyway.

I've decided that the thing that really kills me is having to be friendly all the time... it feels so awful to be raging inside, and yet having to put on a happy face to stand a hope of escaping it. I can't keep up the charade for very long, and cherish being at home where no one is looking, where I can feel what I want to feel without being judged. My parents are trying to be helpful, by being extra happy and friendly... but this just raises my stress levels yet higher, and I spend as little time as possible with them as a consequence. I know that they're worried about me, and it only makes me feel worse.

I was thinking that maybe I could break out of the pain by expressing it... even by doing stupid things like wearing black and listening to emo music I can't seem to push myself over the edge though. I still feel pressured into this uneasy but 'safe' existance. I need a way out... a way to feel how I feel and not hate myself for it. I'm not sure what direction, but anywhere but here.

 

[Disconnected]

I understand completely. And believe me, the more you hold in you're feelings and the more you pretend to be a happy go lucky person, the worse you will feel. This doesn't mean that you have to become a Goth and walk around in black pretending to be a vampire. But some sort of emotional outlet will help immensely. I don't have many outlets and the result of this is a sort of forced outlet: depression, panic attacks, anger, etc. Try to find a way to let these feelings out in a more positive manner. If dressing differently helps then try that. Try to be yourself, or if you don't know who you are (like me), then try to find out who you are by experimenting. I hope you feel better.

 

[qipuqipu]

I'm not sure if I'll seriously turn into a big goth, I was just clutching at straws.... but yeah, some kind of emotional outlet would really help.

-
try to find out who you are by experimenting
-

Interesting advice... it'll be a good way of figuring out how to stop worrying what other people think.

Thanks for the sympathy, it's really appreciated.

 

[allanboy]

Play with fire, push yourself when jogging and exercising, cut yourself, try doing parkour. I really donno, there were the first things that came into mind.

edit: oh, and get drunk. Best meditation there is.

come to think of it, you look like alot like me.

 

[Toad]

Yeah...I know how you feel...i hate being fake, and overly happy people really piss me off. I don't really have any outlets for all my emotions...i just am constantly wearing a mask.

Play with fire, push yourself when jogging and exercising, cut yourself, try doing parkour. I really donno, there were the first things that came into mind.

edit: oh, and get drunk. Best meditation there is.

Although these solutions do work...I wouldn't recommend trying them...they aren't exactly healthy...although I can't say I'm perfect...every time i exercise i push myself beyond what i should. I would probably try doing that before the others though if you can't come up with anything else.

 

[redlady]

I don't like having to wear the 'Happy Face' all the time either - sometimes it just gets itchy and i have to take it off and just be in a bad fucking mood - well a silent, don't talk to me don't come near me mood.
You shouldn't have to apologise for being the way you are - as long as you're not out there really hurting people. Not being able to be yourself is painful.
Do you write ? Perhaps just writing it all out will be of some help until you find your real path. You don't have to write a novel just what ever comes to mind, whenever, however ??

 

[Danfalc]

cut yourself

Thats really good advice to give someone isnt it... :?

 

[chav]

i also understand wot ur saying! i feel i have to put on a happy face all the time just to please everyone. i have taken 2 overdoses, the 2nd 1 quite recently, and everyone was so shocked, but i think they were more shocked because im putting on a happy face all the time.
I feel so ashamed of taking the overdose, even more so that ive been putting on a face because i feel like ive been lying.

 

[allanboy]

try doing parkour

whas that??

kinda hard to explain, it´s like complete moviment freedom. As i see it, using your environment to express yourself, make acrobatics, see paths in a different way.

Tough to explain, here check these out http://www.urbanfreeflow.com/ and http://www.screwgravity.com/, go for techniques and movies

Also, blackmamba knows something about this.[/url]

 

[Limey]

Its normal to feel sad and pissy sometimes and i totally agree that the more you try to push it down it gets stronger. Have you ever tried meditation? i find that it can help my social worry because its all about being in the moment. If you think about it at this moment i have nothing to worry about. the trouble starts when you get regrets about the past and worries about the future in the way. NO one is happy all the time. I agree w/allenboy about the jogging, dont kill yourself though. endorphins ya kno? they make you feel good, really. also maybe try painting or dancing. i like to have a good dance session in my room when i feel shitty. its not like anyone is watching!! ahah

 

[qipuqipu]

I don't like having to wear the 'Happy Face' all the time either - sometimes it just gets itchy and i have to take it off and just be in a bad fucking mood - well a silent, don't talk to me don't come near me mood.

Yeah - I know that feeling. People always act as if I've suddenly become irrational because of it... but I guess at the time it doesn't matter, because you don't care. I could do with some of that fearlessness in everyday life.

Do you write ? Perhaps just writing it all out will be of some help until you find your real path. You don't have to write a novel just what ever comes to mind, whenever, however ??

Writing? I used to aaages ago. I think I might have stopped, or at least, not started again, because I kept finding flaws in whatever I did. I might give it another go now - I hope it helps.

Oh, and thanks for all the suggestions from others too ^^

 

[chav]

Play with fire, push yourself when jogging and exercising, cut yourself, try doing parkour. I really donno, there were the first things that came into mind.

edit: oh, and get drunk. Best meditation there is.

come to think of it, you look like alot like me.

Good advice to give to people like us eh :?: :evil: :roll: :x :? 8O

 

[chav]

LOL thats a good idea taws i do that sumtimes

 

[carebear]

reply

oh my god! you have it on the nose. that is totally how i feel.
i try to be friendly but when i do its so fake that people notice that i'm not being genuine.
one thing to remember. it r eally does take energy to be friendly. if we were all unfriendly though, there would be no lasting relationships in the world.
imaybe social anxiety is just social laziness? i don't know...

 

[Disconnected]

Actually I'm very lazy and self-absorbed. I still consider myself to have some degree of social anxiety. I avoid people, however, out of the strong feeling that it is not possible for me to connect with a human being. I don't know if I ever truely had the capacity to do so, other than with my family.

 

[chav]

i try very hard to do things, but i know i cant and i know its going to get me upset, so now im about 3-4/5 lazy! so its kind of a mixture of what you 2 r saying!(worrydoll & disconnected)