I think I GOT IT. I know why we are stuck?

[Livingwithoutlivin]

I've come to this realization here, from studying Psychology and a few other sources:

We are reservoirs of life experiences, the contents; the interpretations of these life experiences, the opinions of other people-that we have internalized, and the various groups of people we have surrounded ourselves with have shaped our viewpoint of who we are.

There is a time in your life, when you are a clean slate, though you might have a few issues as a child, such as being considered too fussy, or told that you talk too much, or are too quiet, that people need to really shut the hell up, about what they say to you. Probably the biggest differences between the reasons that some people turn out great, and some turn out absolutely dismal, is the crap you've been fed at this most crucial time in your life- the foundation upon which you build upon, at a time when nobody has a right impose upon you that you are this, that or the other. Children don't know what they are doing, they haven't developed abstract thinking, they mostly seek to have their basic needs met, they aren't playing the strategic game of pleasing people, and making goals that lead more friends and big paychecks, and contracts and what not. They are barely starting to learn what is considered good or bad by their society, through the affirmations that their parents, family, babysitters, and other people give them.

Knowing what I know now, I would absolutely warn adults against imposing identities on children, by telling them that they are " stupid, bad-kid, idiot, can't do anything right, slow,retarded etc." children build upon what you say to them. They are coming into a social world, they internalize these things, there is a point in their lives when they are being shaped by what other people tell them.

By this I dont' mean to lie to kids and let them that they are good when they are bad, I'm saying that when children or people do things right, to let them know, and to compliment them on the things they do right, and when they do things wrong, tell them why it's unnaceptable, but don't impose on them, that they are " the bad kid, stupid, can't do anything right" these words say YOU ARE, not YOU ARE BEING or YOU ARE DOING. Those words that say YOU ARE, are a permanent label, to tell somebody they ARE BEING, says, that's not you, but that's who who you are being right now, which i consider the lesser evil, yet still probably not as positive as telling them, that so and so... is unnacceptable, and then telling them the WHY?

 

[Livingwithoutlivin]

This does not mean that, wether we will be successful and capable or not, is only contingent up on what we are told in childhood. It's constantly being built by what we are told our whole lives.

Now, there are people who will tell you that you are stupid and worthless because of

1. They have a baseless reason to dislike you- they don't need a reason to dislike you- these people have their logic jacked up.

2. Sometimes in our society, we use words losely, like calling somebody stupid, over something trivial

3. Sometimes people are mad at something that was done to them, and take it out on a person who is easily approachable, who they can't predict any unfavorable consequence or unpalatable retalliation from.

4. Other times this world will be used very losely, you can attack somebody, who you dont' predict will bite you back, you can say such words to your parents or your little brother, everything you've learned about them, tells you that if you are mad and use such a world, that you won't suffer a consequence that you would fear... and it goes on.

and so on...

 

[Slothrop]

Great post.

I would add that the things we internalize as children (and to a lesser extent as adults) aren't always so obviously spiteful. Sometimes we internalize things said to us in jest. Sometimes we internalize things that we misunderstood. Sometimes it isn't what is said to you, but what isn't. Sometimes it's our interpretations of people's actions, which may or may not be accurate. We're constantly learning from our interactions with the world, which is a good thing, but sometimes we learn things which aren't exactly true. As children we're particularly susceptible to this because we don't yet understand subtle distinctions or exceptions.

Moreover, these internalized beliefs only become a problem when they cause behavior patterns that keep us from living the life we want. That is, when the pattern is so ingrained that habit overpowers logic and we can't turn it off. Most of the people here have patterns like retreating and avoiding the things that make them feel uncomfortable, assuming they are inferior to people around them, assuming that people are watching them and judging them harshly, or assuming that they will make a dreadful mistake. And every time we behave according to those patterns and beliefs, we reinforce them, effectively creating a new life experience to learn the wrong thing from.

Which raises the question: if your present condition is a product of accumulated life experiences, what happens if you go out and get some new ones?

 

[mimi1988]

I've come to this realization here, from studying Psychology and a few other sources:

We are reservoirs of life experiences, the contents; the interpretations of these life experiences, the opinions of other people-that we have internalized, and the various groups of people we have surrounded ourselves with have shaped our viewpoint of who we are.

There is a time in your life, when you are a clean slate, though you might have a few issues as a child, such as being considered too fussy, or told that you talk too much, or are too quiet, that people need to really shut the hell up, about what they say to you. Probably the biggest differences between the reasons that some people turn out great, and some turn out absolutely dismal, is the crap you've been fed at this most crucial time in your life- the foundation upon which you build upon, at a time when nobody has a right impose upon you that you are this, that or the other. Children don't know what they are doing, they haven't developed abstract thinking, they mostly seek to have their basic needs met, they aren't playing the strategic game of pleasing people, and making goals that lead more friends and big paychecks, and contracts and what not. They are barely starting to learn what is considered good or bad by their society, through the affirmations that their parents, family, babysitters, and other people give them.

Knowing what I know now, I would absolutely warn adults against imposing identities on children, by telling them that they are " stupid, bad-kid, idiot, can't do anything right, slow,retarded etc." children build upon what you say to them. They are coming into a social world, they internalize these things, there is a point in their lives when they are being shaped by what other people tell them.

By this I dont' mean to lie to kids and let them that they are good when they are bad, I'm saying that when children or people do things right, to let them know, and to compliment them on the things they do right, and when they do things wrong, tell them why it's unnaceptable, but don't impose on them, that they are " the bad kid, stupid, can't do anything right" these words say YOU ARE, not YOU ARE BEING or YOU ARE DOING. Those words that say YOU ARE, are a permanent label, to tell somebody they ARE BEING, says, that's not you, but that's who who you are being right now, which i consider the lesser evil, yet still probably not as positive as telling them, that so and so... is unnacceptable, and then telling them the WHY?

No, I just inherited it. I've been this way for as long as I could talk, Which was probably about 2.