i talked but...

[NothingElseMatters]

For 2 weeks some friends have been sending me msgs and called and i wasnt answering cause i was too depressed to bother.so they came at my apartment and and they were knocking on the door and ringing the bell but i wasnt answering.they were hitting the door hard cause they wanted to brake it so i had to open....and then i talked to them about my depression problems.i didn say anything about SA cause it was too damn hard to form words to describe exactly how i was feeling.i dont think they understand completely but they got the point.i never imagined talking to them about this cause they r just ppl i hung out with.but the fact that they came to see what was happening...well they have my respect

now i have so many weird feelings.guilt,shame,fear that they 'll talk to other ppl,and even a feeling of worry that if i dont get well they will judge me.i feel more pressured now

i thought talking to ppl would make things better but i dont feel anything like this.anything similar happened to anyone?

 

[market.garden]

I kinda know what you mean. I missed my graduation last year on purpose, after repeatedly telling my parents that I would "find out" when it was. They got mad, and so I was forced to tell them why I'd missed it (The alternative of leaving them upset and thinking I was just a selfish bastard wasn't a good option).

So I sat them down and told them, about depression mainly, and how I freak out in crowds. They don't know *why* it is I hate being around people, but they knew about years of depression which I'd previously hid.

Whilst on one hand I felt it was a better option than them just thinking I was selfish and ungrateful for them putting me through university, I felt, and still feel, like I've been violated some how. The most personal, secretive thing about me was forced in the open for all to see. So I felt embarrassed and weak in front of them, and still do.

So I know what you mean when you say shame, but I suppose it's one of those things that you can't hide from forever, as you yourself experienced.

 

[NothingElseMatters]

These "ppl u just hung out with" must actually really care about u! Isn't that an awesome (& scary) feeling.

tnx! and yes if there was a one word to describe my feelings it would be 'scary' but in a good way if there is such thing

I kinda know what you mean. I missed my graduation last year on purpose, after repeatedly telling my parents that I would "find out" when it was. They got mad, and so I was forced to tell them why I'd missed it (The alternative of leaving them upset and thinking I was just a selfish bastard wasn't a good option).

So I sat them down and told them, about depression mainly, and how I freak out in crowds. They don't know *why* it is I hate being around people, but they knew about years of depression which I'd previously hid.

Whilst on one hand I felt it was a better option than them just thinking I was selfish and ungrateful for them putting me through university, I felt, and still feel, like I've been violated some how. The most personal, secretive thing about me was forced in the open for all to see. So I felt embarrassed and weak in front of them, and still do.

So I know what you mean when you say shame, but I suppose it's one of those things that you can't hide from forever, as you yourself experienced.

i am sorry about the graduation.And i can totally understand what u mean by your parents seeing u as selfish before u talked to them.it sucks sometimes cause instead of giving the 'give me some support' vibe we give the 'i am not friendly i am selfish leave me alone'.
but i want to believe that we did the right thing though.at least now they know what is happening in our heads

 

[dtrotter]

now i have so many weird feelings.guilt,shame,fear that they 'll talk to other ppl,and even a feeling of worry that if i dont get well they will judge me.i feel more pressured now

i thought talking to ppl would make things better but i dont feel anything like this.anything similar happened to anyone?

Well, it is always hard to expose the ugly side of you to the other person, it's always hard. It's even harder to admit and accept that you have problem/depression TO YOURSELF. It's not surprise that we have a very high tendency to avoid showing people our ugly side.

I used to avoid crowd because i had problem socializing. In fact, i don't even dare to tell anyone about it. There's a man pursuing me, *now my husband*, and we somehow got quite close, and i told him about it.

I felt rather good because he was so understandable I mean, during that time, it was like "finally someone understands how i feel". Oh well... having a trust able friend/person to tell your problem is a good thing actually