I pushed her away because I was afraid... why?

[NotCreepy]

I just had this lovely young (perfect) lady enter my life and actually act interested in me. She stayed with me for a couple of weeks but I have a problem with intimacy issues so I pushed her away (out of my life) to spare myself the embarasment (I think?) Anyways, I'm missing her and I really feel bad about letting her feel that "it was her" -- will I ever learn... Anyone relate? I make a good living at home, I think I'm ok looking, but I don't feel worthy of love. Please help me figure this out. now when i call her then she "just wants to be friends", and we are (I think?) I've been here/done this too many times. I'm getting old and bitter because of this. help. I can't take her out because I don't like it out there and there is too much competition to worry about. I'm not a jealous a**hole, am I? She like to stay home as well (which i like about her.)

 

[ThatOneGirl]

I do the same. my friends joke that when it comes 2 relationships im like a guy (they dont kno about my SA) cuz i wont answer their calls or diff stuff. like last wkend this amazingly cute guy asked me 2 b his gf and i said yah but my number 1 turn off w/ guys is when their clingy and he was ehh and i feel rlly bad bout what i did but the next night i was w/ his cousin me and my best friend r total opposites, when she finds a guy she likes she thinks n talks bout him all the time, gets jelous n clingy, calls alot wants it 2 b just him n her (idk how 2 tell her but i think thats what pushes alotta the guys away) and im just awful at sticking w/ 1 guy, y idk but i am mabye i think if they get 2 kno me 2 good they wont like me or get bored w/ me or im scared of getting hurt idk- sry, im rambling now so point is i mostly stay single cuz of all that lol oh and now the guy my best friend likes oh so much (lol) is tryin 2 get w/ me n i like him but could never do that 2 her i need 2 just find 1 guy and stick w/ him she said shed help me do that next wkend lmao.

 

[Masamune]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

 

[arghhh]

I can totally understand you. I have pushed away someone very close to me. I just kept pushing limits .. Why? I do not know.

 

[Tori86]

It's tragic, I think..That we keep pushing away people we actually wants to be with..

 

[loserinamailbox]

I'm like that too. I dated a guy a few years back and he ended it after a few months and it really hurt. All of last year he kept trying to get back with me but I ignored him completely so nothing ever happened. But I wanted it all along. I didn't realize what what I was doing was from SAD because I didn't know I had it then. Now, I think it's too late. I hurt every day because of what I've done. I'm happy when I imagine him with me, but then I realize it's not real and I get even more sad.

 

[NotCreepy]

Great news, she called me out of the blue yeterday !?! (after about 4 months of silence.)

Now I'll have to muster up enough will power to make it happen.

 

[loserinamailbox]

Great news, she called me out of the blue yeterday !?! (after about 4 months of silence.)

Now I'll have to muster up enough will power to make it happen.

Wow! Congrats! I'm sure you'll be able to do it, especially since it's obvious that she is interested. Good luck!

 

[lyn]

i really wish i understood that because my last boyfriend pushed me away so many times but could neevr explain to me why.. and now he saying he loves me and wants to be with me again but i am having weird trust isses and i think he is just going to do it gaian

 

[YankeeBob]

Ground Rules For Relationships

I had similar issues to those shared on this theme for many years.

As I look back on it now there seems to be some clarity.

First of all I had low self esteem. Skinny, wore glasses, had no close friends.

So when it came to girls I was anxious, afraid.

In high school I would decide at a dance to ask a girl for a dance. No big deal right.

Well I would start to walk across the floor to the girls, then half way across make a diversion to get a soft drink. Then go back to sit by myself.

30 minutes later I would work up the courage to try again. Only to get half way there and then go to the toilet instead.

What was this about: fear of rejection. Fear of not others.

Had I joined a club and learned what I was good at, had I learned to like myself, had I come to see the qualities in myself that others admired ( I could never accept a compliment ) maybe things would have been different.

Have I stopped my shyness and social anxiety? Yes.

When did I start - when I was 53. How long did it take : about 4 years.

Is it worth it to change. YES. 1000 % yes.

 

[rado31]

Re: Ground Rules For Relationships

I had similar issues to those shared on this theme for many years.

As I look back on it now there seems to be some clarity.

First of all I had low self esteem. Skinny, wore glasses, had no close friends.

So when it came to girls I was anxious, afraid.

In high school I would decide at a dance to ask a girl for a dance. No big deal right.

Well I would start to walk across the floor to the girls, then half way across make a diversion to get a soft drink. Then go back to sit by myself.

30 minutes later I would work up the courage to try again. Only to get half way there and then go to the toilet instead.

What was this about: fear of rejection. Fear of not others.

Had I joined a club and learned what I was good at, had I learned to like myself, had I come to see the qualities in myself that others admired ( I could never accept a compliment ) maybe things would have been different.

Have I stopped my shyness and social anxiety? Yes.

When did I start - when I was 53. How long did it take : about 4 years.

Is it worth it to change. YES. 1000 % yes.

This is kinda mysterious. What did u do in those 4 years?

edit : AA group you think? I went thru a 4 different personality tests that happened to be at anti-dependancy department at local hospital . It is said that i m 'normal' but inmature. They told me that i can go to their support group or directly to them if i have some problem. So , i dony know. My symphatic nerve system is on fire and i m higly depressed maybe i give them a try(AA group or whatever exists. I Have social insurance till january). Dont know if this could help, though. There was a guy that claimed that it helped him a lot with 'sp' issues in my national depression forum. Till now i thought he was lying .

 

[Emma]

......is it ok if I ask how old you are yankeebob?

 

[YankeeBob]

Questions from each of you

A. What did I do for 4 years.

No....I didn't go to AA meetings as I am not an alcoholic. But I did realise from Al Anon meetings that others with problems ( unresolved feelings and thoughts ) talked about them.

Since I had lived a life for so many years keeping things to myself I realised I needed to start talking to other men.

So I would talk at Al Anon meetings once a week.

Then I bought a book called "Courage to Change" from the Al Anon community. It had a daily reading in it. This I started reading every night to my fiancee, now my wife.

It has readings on anger. On loneliness. On self piety. On many interesting topics that I have never looked at.

Each night we would talk about what was going on now or in the past that dealt with that issue.

Another thing I did in those 4 years was to look at getting some role models. That is healthy people who had habits that brought people into their lives ( instead of pushing them away ).

My fiancee had many of these qualities. One of them was to buy a card for no reason and give it to others with some words in it.

Well the first time I decided to do that for her there was so much RESISTANCE to this concept. It was like fighting my way through wet concrete. Yet her reaction, her delight in such a simple thing was immense.

This card giving behaviour has continued with several cards each year.

About a year ago I was in a card shop buying her a card - and saw a card on male friendships. I said to myself, "I will get this card for Peter." Then I saw a 2nd card. Not being sure which one was best I decided, "I will get one for Peter an one for Tim". Well I walked out of that card shop with 4 cards for male friends and one for Terri.

Again the resistance (anxiety) of giving those cards was immense. What would these men think of me.

Let me know if you are interested in the results.

B. HOW OLD IS BOB

Well I am chronologically 58 in September. However emotionally I have a sense I am about 17 or 18. But I am getting more mature, for these days I strive to learn from my mistakes.

Take care.