Harleyq
Well-known member
Thank you to anyone who actually reads all of this.
I just got off my first waitress shift - I wanna cry, but I can't. I wanna get back into my cutting habit, but I'm controlling myself. I don't drink, but I really want to. I mean, I absolutely cannot STAND the smell of alcohol or the taste, and I'm sitting here jonesing for some shots of...something, I don't even care. The only reason I'm not out buying some liquor is because I know I'd get an addiction.
The night was a disaster. I literally don't even know what happened - it's like I wasn't there. All I know is I had 3 or 4 tables scattered throughout the building at once and I lost control due to my anxiety. A bunch of people from one table stiffed me, one girl walked out on her $12 check and I had to pay for it. If people pay in cash, we just keep the money instead of using a cash register and then we pay the sales amount at the end of the night. I actually lost $30 instead of making money. I don't even know how that happened. If all the checks were paid for, and nobody tipped, I'd have made $0.00. The only check I remember having to pay for is the $12.00 one so what the hell happened that made me pay out all the tips I did get and then some?
I don't know if I can do this job. I was afraid of being a complete failure and a f-ckup at work and tonight I was. And I went in thinking I was going to make a decent amount, too.
I only had 7 or 8 tables tonight and I couldn't handle it. I don't know what I'm going to do Friday on my first busy shift.
I don't know how to describe the way I feel right now, besides embarrassed. I don't want to die, but I don't want to move on with life, either. IDK...I want to vegetate? I jut want everything to stop and magically be ok - that's it. That's how I feel.
I should be extremely tired cause I haven't been sleeping and I've spent lots of time on my feet, but because of my anxiety levels, I'm wound up enough to run a marathon.
I just got off my first waitress shift - I wanna cry, but I can't. I wanna get back into my cutting habit, but I'm controlling myself. I don't drink, but I really want to. I mean, I absolutely cannot STAND the smell of alcohol or the taste, and I'm sitting here jonesing for some shots of...something, I don't even care. The only reason I'm not out buying some liquor is because I know I'd get an addiction.
The night was a disaster. I literally don't even know what happened - it's like I wasn't there. All I know is I had 3 or 4 tables scattered throughout the building at once and I lost control due to my anxiety. A bunch of people from one table stiffed me, one girl walked out on her $12 check and I had to pay for it. If people pay in cash, we just keep the money instead of using a cash register and then we pay the sales amount at the end of the night. I actually lost $30 instead of making money. I don't even know how that happened. If all the checks were paid for, and nobody tipped, I'd have made $0.00. The only check I remember having to pay for is the $12.00 one so what the hell happened that made me pay out all the tips I did get and then some?
I don't know if I can do this job. I was afraid of being a complete failure and a f-ckup at work and tonight I was. And I went in thinking I was going to make a decent amount, too.
I only had 7 or 8 tables tonight and I couldn't handle it. I don't know what I'm going to do Friday on my first busy shift.
I don't know how to describe the way I feel right now, besides embarrassed. I don't want to die, but I don't want to move on with life, either. IDK...I want to vegetate? I jut want everything to stop and magically be ok - that's it. That's how I feel.
I should be extremely tired cause I haven't been sleeping and I've spent lots of time on my feet, but because of my anxiety levels, I'm wound up enough to run a marathon.
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