I need to vent.

Harleyq

Well-known member
Thank you to anyone who actually reads all of this.

I just got off my first waitress shift - I wanna cry, but I can't. I wanna get back into my cutting habit, but I'm controlling myself. I don't drink, but I really want to. I mean, I absolutely cannot STAND the smell of alcohol or the taste, and I'm sitting here jonesing for some shots of...something, I don't even care. The only reason I'm not out buying some liquor is because I know I'd get an addiction.

The night was a disaster. I literally don't even know what happened - it's like I wasn't there. All I know is I had 3 or 4 tables scattered throughout the building at once and I lost control due to my anxiety. A bunch of people from one table stiffed me, one girl walked out on her $12 check and I had to pay for it. If people pay in cash, we just keep the money instead of using a cash register and then we pay the sales amount at the end of the night. I actually lost $30 instead of making money. I don't even know how that happened. If all the checks were paid for, and nobody tipped, I'd have made $0.00. The only check I remember having to pay for is the $12.00 one so what the hell happened that made me pay out all the tips I did get and then some?

I don't know if I can do this job. I was afraid of being a complete failure and a f-ckup at work and tonight I was. And I went in thinking I was going to make a decent amount, too.

I only had 7 or 8 tables tonight and I couldn't handle it. I don't know what I'm going to do Friday on my first busy shift.

I don't know how to describe the way I feel right now, besides embarrassed. I don't want to die, but I don't want to move on with life, either. IDK...I want to vegetate? I jut want everything to stop and magically be ok - that's it. That's how I feel.

I should be extremely tired cause I haven't been sleeping and I've spent lots of time on my feet, but because of my anxiety levels, I'm wound up enough to run a marathon.
 
Last edited:

Harleyq

Well-known member
Thanks for the feedback!

I haven't cut in, I'd like to say, over a year because of my SA. I started it to get rid of the built up anxiety I harbored all the time and I quit because the scars were becoming more visible once they healed and I was afraid of marking myself up so badly that I'd be ashamed to be in public - so my SA both started and stopped it. It's still hard sometimes, though.

I know I'm exaggerating over the way my night went. Waiting tables is a double-edged sword to me. When I do it right, it really does help with my SA and it forces me to interact and overcome my fears. But when my nights go like this, it worsens my anxiety a lot, because I worry about what the chefs will think, what my coworkers and bosses think, what future employers will think, and what the customers will think, especially when their opinion of me determines if I'll make any money.

I know it's selfish, but I don't get upset over making mistakes. I get upset over what I think others will think of me because of those mistakes
 

Rheves

Well-known member
Its really cool that you are waiting tables! I've been a bus boy for a year and a half now. I need to get server training, but my boss seems to not want me to do it. Guess I'm just to bad ass at bussing tables lol. I bet it does help with the SA. Carrying those large trays of food can be very scary though.
 

Harleyq

Well-known member
Its really cool that you are waiting tables! I've been a bus boy for a year and a half now. I need to get server training, but my boss seems to not want me to do it. Guess I'm just to bad ass at bussing tables lol. I bet it does help with the SA. Carrying those large trays of food can be very scary though.
It's only scary once you drop them but then you realize you're not the only one. Maybe your boss thinks your the best busser and he doesn't want to lose you? Or else your boss has too many servers. I don't understand why you can't do both.

Is there the opportunity to look for a different job? Waiting tables seems like an anxiety prone occupation to begin with, but it sounds very hard what you have to do. Maybe it's different there compared to England. If someone here walked out without paying they would get arrested!
I could look for a different job but SA makes it so difficult. I'm kind of afraid of how long it'll take me to find another one. Plus, I JUST got this one...Idk, I'd feel like a major b-tch if I quit so soon

Oh yeah, and good news! My boss called me and told me one of my tickets got lost or something so she overcharged me $22.00 so I was only short of about $8.00, not $30.00. Obviously, I still have no idea what happened and technically I was still short more than $8.00 because I had to give back all my tips in addition to the sales, but still - nice to know it's $22.00 less than I thought it was.
 
Top