Glumlock
Well-known member
I wasn't sure if this was the best forum to post this, but i went ahead with it anyway.
Here's the deal - i told a lie (not a huge lie, but a lie nontheless) to somebody i truly, deeply care about. She's a friend of mine - the fact that I'm head over heels for her is irrelevant. We've been close friends for a while, and I've slowly developed deep affections for her that have been eating away at me for a while. I came clean to one of her friends a couple of months back - I'm not in love with the girl, but I do really like her (as more than just a close friend, which is what we are).
Our friendship has developed slowly into something of a "cute couple" ever since she cried in my arms at a party; she'd been quite upset and I may even go as far as to say "mildly depressed" for a few weeks leading up to it, and then she just let it go (probably alcohol fuelled) over me that night. She started crying at this party and ran upstairs to a bedroom. I followed her up and knocked on the door, asked if i was allowed to come in. When i was invited inside i found her crying violent sobs. So i just went to her and comforted her. I made no move on her or anything (though i would have liked to), all i did was hug her closely and comfort her until she stopped crying and then for an hour or so afterwards we just talked while hugging each other.
Since then... we've became a lot more close. Texting a lot more than we ever did. That night she confided in me, above all of her other close friends. It was several days afterwards before she let anyone else in on the details surrounding her depression in the previous weeks.
Now here's the nasty party.
About a year and a half ago when i turned 17, i started learning to drive. It was going fine up until this time last year, when suddenly my beloved grandmother died. My grandmother was essentially, my mother as she basically brought me up (my parents didnt look after me much when i was a child, and i spent most of my time with my grandmother). She was the center of my world, and the person i loved more than anything or anyone else.
On March 17th 2009, she died of lung cancer, she was 69. It was totally unexpected. None of us knew it was going to happen. She'd had a really bad cold over Christmas which she seemed to have recovered from and in February, she went to hospital to have some fluid drained from her lungs. They thought she was going to be okay - she wasn't.
Her health rapidly declined after the operation, and within 3 weeks she was dead. She died on Monday the 17th of March - it wasn't until exactly a week before that where she was brought home that i had any idea how serious the situation was. The realization that i could lose the woman who had brought me up finally kicked in.
The last real conversation i had with her was on the wednesday before that, where she told me to look after my mum and my sisters. I swore to her that I would do that. She went to sleep and i left the room. I sat by her bed two days before she died... but she was so doped up on morphine that i doubt she even knew who i was.
As well as my grandmother dying, I was sacked from work because I'd called in sick too many times (the second job i've ever been sacked from). Combined with the death of my grandmother, this was one of the saddest moments of my life. I plunged into a despairing sense of loss, which i can only describe as being like some sort of dark jaw that refuses to let go of you, pulling you into somewhere that you know you will never escape from. And it reflected in my exams - sure, my grades were by anyone's standards good (i got ABCC in my AS level exams, which is good, but i could have probably done better had i not been too depressed to study properly) i still did a lot better than 95% of my year (only two people beat me in terms of marks).
More relevant to this post, it affected my driving test. I took my test 4 days after she had died. This was a stupid thing to do, and i failed miserably... by sheer chance we drove through the estate where my grandmother lived... i just broke down crying at the wheel. Failed for something ridiculous like not checking over my shoulder.. but i didn't care, it could have been anything.
I didn't drive for a while (well i used my stepfather's car, but only with him in it) and i put off doing another test till next year after i had acquired some more money by working through summer. I took my driving test again (recently) and failed again. It just brought back so many feelings about my grandmother that I couldn't focus.
The point of this is, at some point, I had told people that I'd passed my driving test when I in fact hadn't. I'd then foolishly kept that going for a while before news of me failing again came to light. Eventually, this girl found out and I had some explaining to do.
I told her (vaguely) over a text message the details, and she seemed astonishly alright with it.
This is the scary part. She seems PERFECTLY fine with the fact that i lied to her. i LIED to her, and yet she doesn't seem to care. She's acting like it didn't happen. She's not mad with me, she's not disappointed, she's just the same. She just said she hopes that I pass soon.
Now this worries me, because I have just lied to her. She probably feels she can't trust me, she's probably lost a lot of respect for me, she's probably thinking i'm an arsehole and a lot of other stuff. So why is she acting like there's nothing wrong.
I haven't had a chance to talk to her face to face yet, just through texts, but my gut feeling tells me something is wrong, and she's not telling me. Normally she would tell me anything - I'm worried she's decided that I'm not worth telling anything to because i lied to her about something stupid like that.
I expected her to be mad and to probably forgive me in time, because ultimately we're too close to fall out for any length of time over something stupid like that... but this i did not expect.
What does it mean? How does she really feel about this? What can I do?
Here's the deal - i told a lie (not a huge lie, but a lie nontheless) to somebody i truly, deeply care about. She's a friend of mine - the fact that I'm head over heels for her is irrelevant. We've been close friends for a while, and I've slowly developed deep affections for her that have been eating away at me for a while. I came clean to one of her friends a couple of months back - I'm not in love with the girl, but I do really like her (as more than just a close friend, which is what we are).
Our friendship has developed slowly into something of a "cute couple" ever since she cried in my arms at a party; she'd been quite upset and I may even go as far as to say "mildly depressed" for a few weeks leading up to it, and then she just let it go (probably alcohol fuelled) over me that night. She started crying at this party and ran upstairs to a bedroom. I followed her up and knocked on the door, asked if i was allowed to come in. When i was invited inside i found her crying violent sobs. So i just went to her and comforted her. I made no move on her or anything (though i would have liked to), all i did was hug her closely and comfort her until she stopped crying and then for an hour or so afterwards we just talked while hugging each other.
Since then... we've became a lot more close. Texting a lot more than we ever did. That night she confided in me, above all of her other close friends. It was several days afterwards before she let anyone else in on the details surrounding her depression in the previous weeks.
Now here's the nasty party.
About a year and a half ago when i turned 17, i started learning to drive. It was going fine up until this time last year, when suddenly my beloved grandmother died. My grandmother was essentially, my mother as she basically brought me up (my parents didnt look after me much when i was a child, and i spent most of my time with my grandmother). She was the center of my world, and the person i loved more than anything or anyone else.
On March 17th 2009, she died of lung cancer, she was 69. It was totally unexpected. None of us knew it was going to happen. She'd had a really bad cold over Christmas which she seemed to have recovered from and in February, she went to hospital to have some fluid drained from her lungs. They thought she was going to be okay - she wasn't.
Her health rapidly declined after the operation, and within 3 weeks she was dead. She died on Monday the 17th of March - it wasn't until exactly a week before that where she was brought home that i had any idea how serious the situation was. The realization that i could lose the woman who had brought me up finally kicked in.
The last real conversation i had with her was on the wednesday before that, where she told me to look after my mum and my sisters. I swore to her that I would do that. She went to sleep and i left the room. I sat by her bed two days before she died... but she was so doped up on morphine that i doubt she even knew who i was.
As well as my grandmother dying, I was sacked from work because I'd called in sick too many times (the second job i've ever been sacked from). Combined with the death of my grandmother, this was one of the saddest moments of my life. I plunged into a despairing sense of loss, which i can only describe as being like some sort of dark jaw that refuses to let go of you, pulling you into somewhere that you know you will never escape from. And it reflected in my exams - sure, my grades were by anyone's standards good (i got ABCC in my AS level exams, which is good, but i could have probably done better had i not been too depressed to study properly) i still did a lot better than 95% of my year (only two people beat me in terms of marks).
More relevant to this post, it affected my driving test. I took my test 4 days after she had died. This was a stupid thing to do, and i failed miserably... by sheer chance we drove through the estate where my grandmother lived... i just broke down crying at the wheel. Failed for something ridiculous like not checking over my shoulder.. but i didn't care, it could have been anything.
I didn't drive for a while (well i used my stepfather's car, but only with him in it) and i put off doing another test till next year after i had acquired some more money by working through summer. I took my driving test again (recently) and failed again. It just brought back so many feelings about my grandmother that I couldn't focus.
The point of this is, at some point, I had told people that I'd passed my driving test when I in fact hadn't. I'd then foolishly kept that going for a while before news of me failing again came to light. Eventually, this girl found out and I had some explaining to do.
I told her (vaguely) over a text message the details, and she seemed astonishly alright with it.
This is the scary part. She seems PERFECTLY fine with the fact that i lied to her. i LIED to her, and yet she doesn't seem to care. She's acting like it didn't happen. She's not mad with me, she's not disappointed, she's just the same. She just said she hopes that I pass soon.
Now this worries me, because I have just lied to her. She probably feels she can't trust me, she's probably lost a lot of respect for me, she's probably thinking i'm an arsehole and a lot of other stuff. So why is she acting like there's nothing wrong.
I haven't had a chance to talk to her face to face yet, just through texts, but my gut feeling tells me something is wrong, and she's not telling me. Normally she would tell me anything - I'm worried she's decided that I'm not worth telling anything to because i lied to her about something stupid like that.
I expected her to be mad and to probably forgive me in time, because ultimately we're too close to fall out for any length of time over something stupid like that... but this i did not expect.
What does it mean? How does she really feel about this? What can I do?
"