i just need an answer/opinion. URGENT.

[alison18]

I think my main problem with my life is the fact that I can NOT open up/be myself around people. I have been through traumatic experiences with people where I was teased, like everyone has been in their life, but I took it extremely personal and little by little, changed myself so I wouldn't feel the embarassment, hurt feelings and anxiety that putting yourself out there can bring. One of my best friends and I had a horrible argument one time about 4 or 5 years ago. I thought we were never going to be friends again, but we made up a week later like 16 year old girls tend to do. Ever since then, I have been a people pleaser with this particular friend and walked on eggshells around them to avoid some kind of confrontation. I people please everyone I meet; in fact I even find myself practicing what I'm going to say before I say anything. I found that when I stopped thinking about everything, I was able to be myself and able to be more candid with people and this made me happy. But it is SO hard to get to the point where I can do that, because it's second nature to me now to think "PEOPLE PLEASE" and to practice what I say all the time. I also have intrusive thoughts (which I've written about on this forum before), but they only appear because I'm miserable/depressed due to the fact that I can't have a normal relationship with anyone because of this people-pleasing mentality that I have. Will cognitive therapy help this? I need answers, anyone, please, I'm absolutely miserable.

 

[emmdee]

I am exactly like you....and yes. It should. =]
Find somewhere good though. There's a place in Phoenix, Arizona that's amazing, or so i've heard from their website. Probably the best you could find. I don't know where you live, but here's the website: http://www.socialanxietyinstitute.org/

 

[alison18]

thanks a lot, emmdee. is this a form of ocd? i just thought social anxiety happened for no reason, just a chemical imbalance in your brain. but it can happen because of traumatic experiences in your life, as well? i appreciate your fast response

 

[emmdee]

Thanks alison. Yeah, traumatic experiences are usually what causes it. If you think back, you can probably pin the experience. It is not a form of OCD but usually conditions come with social anxiety as a result, like OCD and/or depression, hyperhydrosis or other conditions depending on your experiences.

 

[alison18]

thank you so so so much. i looked up a ton of stuff on social anxiety, and it fits me to a T. if this is what i have for sure, and cognitive therapy helps me, than you pretty much just saved my life.

 

[emmdee]

You're welcome. I like saving lives xD

I wish you the best of luck!

 

[monsieurb56]

This sounds so so similar to how I feel just about everyday. I'm a 20-year old male in college and I feel like I have a different personality around different people because, like you said, I have to "people please"...as a matter of fact that's the first time I've heard a term be used like that. I was teased, made fun of, made to feel extremely awkward and different, etc, from about 5th grade all the way through my junior year of high school (at that point, I moved out of state to a new high school for senior year). Now I feel extremely anxious all the time. I have very strong social anxiety and I just feel completely alienated from most people, and yet this couldn't be noticed by anyone if you asked them (at least according to some people I've mentioned my problems to). It's just a daily war inside my own head. One of the worst feelings involving my social anxiety and "alienation" feelings is that I have a huge crush on a friend of one of my female friends. My friend had her over to a party at her house to give me a chance to talk to her and try to become more of her acquaintance, but not only did I barely have any chances to talk to her, but I was so overwhelmed with anxiety at this party that I probably wouldn't have been able to function anyways. I have these overwhelming feelings of frustration because I feel that even if I had a chance with her, I'm scared I wouldn't be "cool" or "fun" enough...I've seen some of her ex-boyfriend and he's all the outgoingness and carefreeness that I am deep down inside, UNDERNEATH the layers of social anxiety and alienation caused by years of being ostracized and made fun of by many of my peers.

In addition to my problems of being made fun of at school and such, I am coming to terms with the fact now that I grew up in a dysfunctional family with a parentified father and an overprotective and neurotic mother whom I feel wants to live our her failed dreams of her and her deceased brother through me and my sisters. There's been "emotional incest" and other stuff between my mom and me as well as my sisters that has contributed to my problems too, and the environment I grew up in (my parents are basically social isolates) also basically set me up for a world of alienation and social anxiety.

Anyways, I sort of drifted off at the end there, but I definitely relate to the way you feel. Keep your chin up and know you're not alone. Hope adding my two-cents helped.

 

[sabbath92001]

ACT is better than CBT, imho

I am exactly like you....and yes. It should. =]
Find somewhere good though. There's a place in Phoenix, Arizona that's amazing, or so i've heard from their website. Probably the best you could find. I don't know where you live, but here's the website: http://www.socialanxietyinstitute.org/

If you don't want to pay $400+ for Dr. Richards CBT, which may or may not help (it made me worse), you can buy an ACT self-help workbook for under $20. Just do a search on amazon.com for Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). There's an ACT book for depression coming out in December and one for anxiety in January. The ones that are available now are pretty good too.

 

[Infected_Malignity]

I used to do that exact same thing! I would go with the 'make no waves' mentality and just never speak up. Why? Because, everytime I did, my heart would start pounding, I might even start to tremble a little bit. It was scary.

But little by little, the one thing that's helping me so far in being able to stare somebody in the eyes and strongly disagree, is just allowing myself to feel the fear. One time I read that in panic attacks (this is just for example) that if you try your best to actually ENCOURAGE the fear instead of pushing it away, you actually can't get a panic attack. It's a weird control/fear thing.

Well anyway, I applied this way of thinking to this exact fear, I just didn't go as extreme. I realized that saying the wrong thing/having your heart pound/getting red in the face/or starting to tremble didn't outweigh the guilt I was feeling for suppressing myself inside. Weird part is, it actually worked.

All I have to say is hang in there. Search around and find the method that works best for you. Good luck, I believe in you!