I have to go on social welfare. I'm embarrassed, ashamed and having suicidal thoughts

[SadSally]

I have to go on social welfare. Feeling suicidal, embarrassed and hopeless.
I was in college but now I can’t get a grant so I have to drop out. because I can’t afford it. I’m 19 and I have a massive fear of social interaction with authority figures. In my country, if you want social welfare, you have to go to the unemployment centre every week to sign on and then you must go to the post office and personally collect it from the clerk. All of this is going to be so overwhelming for me. I feel ashamed and I honestly don’t know how I’ll handle it. I haven’t even been able to purchase something at a store for years, now I’m basically going to have to beg.
I don’t really have any qualifications, besides a leaving cert, (Irish version of SATs) or experience. If I am able to get a job it will only be something dead end with low pay. I honestly can’t see myself struggling through life for the next 50 to 60 years. The thought of it just makes me want to die. I’m not actually suicidal but I really don’t want to live. I have no friends, no job, no social life, no fun. I can’t remember a time when I actually enjoyed myself. I just don’t see the point in living when it’s all so dull and hopeless.
I plan on being a writer and have submitted my wok to fifteen literary agents this week. It will take them one to four months to respond. I really don’t think I’ll get published but a part of me has a lot of hope. But another part says my writing isn’t good enough.
Either way, going on the dole (social welfare) is inevitable. I’ve tried to look up jobs but they all require degrees and experience. What on earth am I going to do I my writing career doesn’t work out?
Last night I stayed up crying about it. I've been living in denial that everything would be okay but now reality is catching up with me.:crying:

 

[AtTheGates]

i dont think your going to have a writing career as quickly as you want to have one...but its not like you need alot of overhead to keep writing...just keep doing it...you're only 19...you have alot of time.

I hope sooner or later you'll get used to the fact that life's a bitch but you have to be persistent sometimes to get what you REALLY want.

you should go out and do things, meet people, and have experiences even if its just to have something to write about.....you'll meet strange and unique people who do/say things that might influence your writing. ...you already view the world through a unique perspective of anxiety..so that might give you some kind of creative edge..

I think you should just go out and LIVE more, regardless of how difficult life gets or whether you have GOOD experiences or BAD experiences, everything you experience will become a part of who you are and ultimately will broaden your creativity when it comes to writing.



and dont forget to drink coffee....and you should try doing some "people watching" . just sit back and watch the theater of life.

 

[Diend]

You don't have to feel ashamed. It is beyond your ability to make ends meet and there are services to assist you. Nobody should berate you because if it's impossible, it's simply impossible.

 

[NaomiV]

Try not to focus too much on the difficulties and stresses of life and just try to take it one step/day at a time. I have also found that just talking about it with other people helps to relieve some of the stress/anxiety.